Two weeks of constant meetings. I wonder if God is making a joke with me.
I had my darkest moments after losing him. And in those moments, i craved for his presence. I wished hard to bump into him. I tried to create moments to meet him accidentally, but it was never succeed. I stalked his social media profiles only to find how he is been doing, but i ended up getting hurt because i am not a part of his life anymore. Until i had to asked myself, why i do what i do. Why i seeked him. Why i cried for his absence. Why i missed him so much and our small talks. I didn’t even love him, did i? I just (thought) i cared for him. Until one of my bestfriend came to me and told me: “it’s love, my dear, it is love”.
Shocked, as well as relieved at the same time. Like a caged bird which now free to fly.
I stopped denying the feelings and accepted it. Somehow, it became easier. I mean, the moving on and healing process became easier. Because from where i’ve been, from what i’ve learned, love doesn’t need to own each other. Seeing him from afar fulfills my emptiness. Even if love needs some time to grow, but it is so possible that little love touches the heart in the beginning of the journey. Do you believe that? I believe it now..
Is it wrong to love you in such way that no one could understand it?
So i lived my days, my own journey. He is no longer a shadow, but he was a part of me. I chose to embrace his memories in my heart.
Then it started.. When i kept seeing him until the next two weeks. I was overwhelmed as well as confused because i did not understand why he was suddenly everywhere. Though i came in hours where he was not supposed to be there: gym, canteen, office lounge, lift, office lobby. But i realized that my cup was abundantly fulfilled.
On the contrary, the saddest thing is that we were strangers to each other. I could feel the awkwardness when our eyes met. Do i prefer to meet him? Or do i prefer to avoid him? I can’t give the right answer. I just knew i missed him, but i also don’t want to put any of us in a hard position.
So i asked God every night before i go to bed: “will i see him again tomorrow?”.
Will I see you again, my love?
Because every day is always been a mystery for me, why things happen the way they they are. Like why do i have to meet you every day, in every given moments. Was it because we are working in the same office? No. This had never been happened before. Why should it happens now?
Or maybe it is because i am no longer dwell in your shadow, but accepting the loss not as a failure, but as a room to grow.
But i learned to be grateful, of you. Maybe it is love, and the true one 🙂
Will i see you again? Only God knows..