The night where I promised myself to enjoy my own time was the weekend night where everybody was going out with their beloved ones. I bumped into several acquaintances and they asked me if I was with someone. “No. I’m all by myself”, I answered them confidently just to make them re-confirm whether they hear what they heard. But they heard correctly.
“Why?”. Did you ask why, my friends? Because this week I was overwhelmed by interacting with lots of people just to fulfill their needs. But i need to be fulfilled for the same reasons as well. But I answered differently.
“Just to enjoy myself”, said I. I could detect their confusions. But that was just me: sometimes I get lonely, but most of the time I need to be detached with the world.
So I decided to went for a movie (instead of walking around the mall with no purpose). I chose a theater where I spent the beginning with him. Yes, I did revisit the memories, but I didn’t tell anyone. Because it was too hard to explain, that I just wanted to make peace with the places we were spending time in.
God had given me the chance to see him one more time. From missing him to overflowing with satisfied feelings. I think it should be enough to let him go, forever.
I arrived at the theatre 30 minutes before the movie started. It was awkward seeing myself in front of the mirror with earphones on, while everybody around me had someone to throw a smile at. But I learned again that night: it is okay to be alone as long as you enjoy yourself.
As long as you make peace with your greatest fear: loneliness.
As I walked around the corners, I did smile. Because somehow I could see and feel him by my side while in fact I was completely alone. Especially inside a big dark room when the movie was played. He was there, sitting at my right side. Discussing scene after scene.
I did miss our quality moments 🙂
But do I wish that to be repeated? I did, and perhaps still do: seeing things work with you would be the best adventure ever. But it’s also okay if things don’t work as I hoped for.
Because I believe this is God who wanted me to settle with the one from Him. He loves me too much.
I met you again few times these couple days. Not as intensive as the last two weeks. But I realize now that everytime I go somewhere, I’d prefer to avoid you. It was enough, because you are my past now. A part of me that would never come back, a part of me I will always cherish. The first love that happened to me for the very first time in this beloved City.
And although this residual love is still exist somewhere in my heart, I’d rather accepting it as a part of my current life which one day would be faded away.
The movie was not really that great, but I enjoyed being by myself. I no longer be afraid of being alone: loneliness is a decision – whether to feel lonely or whether to recharge your own self by embracing who you really are that sometimes we need space to grow (especially for an introvert like me :p).
Maybe it is good if we were still together, so we can enjoy our weekend together. But maybe it’ll be greater if we were not be together so each of us can learn a valuable lessons for the future.