Blessings in Disguise · EN · Life Lesson

Hope without End – JPCC TWC 2017

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It never crossed my mind to attend any Church’s events which mostly held during weekends, because I was afraid that I will burn out as I have regular weekdays Church meetings. And never crossed my mind to attend Treassure Women Conference this year. I did not even have the intention to go this year. But today, as I am writing this post, I just got back from the two full days TWC.

On Monday 28th August 2017, two weeks before TWC 2017 would be held, I received a news that shattered my heart into pieces, and I knew, I just knew, how my days would start and end each day starting from that day. With tears heavily falling on my cheeks, I threw a question to God: “How should I get through this, God?”. As an HSP (Hyper-Sensitive Person), I can hear Him clearly replying my question: “Register for TWC 2017, and I will show you how”. Clearly.

Because I knew it was Him, I obeyed.

And I knew it was Him, because at this very second, after the conference done, I can confidently telling you that that Conference TRULY IS for me. Every message that has been shared in the conference, speaks JUST EXACTLY as what I’ve been struggling for the past two weeks.

All questions were answered.

Do you believe that God is that close? He is to me. I asked, He gave command, I obeyed, and all questions just simply answered like that.

Last year we, JPCC Choir got the chance to sing at TWC 2016. But I skipped the opportunity because I did not want to spend the whole day at Church during the weekends. While everybody were grateful to be involved in the event, I chose to ignore the calling and miss the opportunity to sing and sit and listen to the speakers. But God is never giving up on me. He tried it one more time this year.

So I obeyed.

And I want to share the blessings I received to you, Readers.

Because He is real, and there is Hope for the hopeless.

If He never gives up on us, why should we give up on the dreams God has put into our hearts in the first place?

So I came prepared, knowing that God will speaks right to my heart. I came prepared, knowing that God will touch my heart, aiming for my greatest pain. I came prepared, bringing all the broken pieces of my heart and asked Him to putting all the pieces together with me. I came prepared and asked Him to accompany me because I was too afraid to face the tide by my own. I came as how I am: fragile and vulnerable.

Because I believe that God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

It is in my pain that God is closest.

DAY 1 – Friday, 8 September 2017

Session 1 by Dawnchere Wilkerson : SAY IT AGAIN

Exodus 3:7-8. God is God who never forgets your situation. God is God who never giving up on you. God is God who never putting you aside. God is God who never ignoring your needs, your wishes, your dreams.

Exodus 3:4 wrote that God called Moses twice (“Moses, Moses!”). He wants us to listen to Him. When we take our position to listen on His calling, we can hear His voice clearly. Many of us, in times of troubles we tend to listen to our own voice, questioning God why things should turn bad, not as how we are expecting. But at moment of difficulties, hear God. Listen to God’s voice. Because He wants to tell us that He wants us to receive great things to happen in our lives.

He wants us, He wants to speak with us.

When Moses was called to deliver the Israelite to the promise land, God promised Moses to be with him. As he encountered problems by problems, Moses asked God to give him miracles. As the sea split into two, as the bread descended from the heaven, God promised Moses: “I will be with you” (Exodus 4:12). And if we are in doubt, when you feel like you want to give up on your devastating situation, call God, and ask Him to say it again, say the promise He once said, that He will always be with you. God be with Moses in every single step and journey he had to take to lead the Israelite.

Every season in our lives, God is faithful. In the season of waiting, God always encourage us to keep walking, because you are not on hold. His promise awaits you.

Know that God is enough for us.

Session 2 by Sari Simorangkir : ENDLESS HOPE

We know that David had encountered difficult times. He was weeping. But David never lost hope.

Psalm 23 telling us how much David depended on God during his darkest hours, how much hope he put in God.

  1. Being content in God – Psalm 23:1 “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack of nothing”
  2. Having conviction in profound assurance – Psalm 23:3 “He guides me along the right paths”
  3. Secure – Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk to the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me”
  4. Know where his future lies

We never lack of the good things God gives in our lives. “THE GOOD”, as measured by God for each of us. What good for one person’s life, is not necessarily good for the other person’s life. And God knows what “GOOD” means for every each of us.

It is IMPOSSIBLE for God to give us the wrong blessings.

God is never making a mistake.

Session 3 by Rick Wilkerson : GOD’S LOVE LANGUAGE

Each of us shows love through our own love language. But how God wants to be loved? What is God love language?

John 14 wrote “If you love me, you will obey Me”. God has one love language: obedience. But how do we love God if God does not “behave” (read: doing nothing, being silence).

God acts out of our timeline. His time is not our time, nor ours is not His.

John 11 tells us a story about Lazarus. Why did God had to wait two days while Martha and Mary came to Him asked for Lazarus to be healed? Why did God had to wait for four days before He resurrected Lazarus?

Because God wants us to show us that He is God: “If you believe, you will see the glory of God” (John 11:40).

Our waiting season does not have to be wasted. We tend to worry when God does not working on our wishes. We tend to doubt God when God seems to be silent. We tend to be hopeless when God does not answer our prayers over a long time.

Worry separate you from God. But worship draws us close to God.

Worship Him if we feel anxious, worry, doubtful, or hopeless. Because we need God during that moment. Don’t turn your face away from God.

God’s love is way much bigger than our faith. It is impossible God abandoned our wishes, our hopes, our dreams.

When we put our hope in God, we are expecting God is working on something. Even it seems to be so quiet, but God is working on something that we cannot see. Expect that God is working on something, because then we will be prepared to receive the blessings from Him. Get prepared, be prepared. When the time comes, you will receive the blessings and you have already equipped to handle the blessings.

If we think that God does not do anything, it does not mean God is delaying, it does not mean God is rejecting us. Never put a period, if God puts a comma.

If it is not okay, it is not the end. God has not finished yet.

If God always meets our expectations, He cannot show that He is more than the wishes we’ve ever asked, than the dreams we’ve ever build. How can He ever exceeds, if He always gives us what we ask.

If expectation does not line up with our situation, it’s always because God wants to reveal something that He has never been shown to us or we have ever known before.

DAY 2 – Saturday, 9 September 2017

Session 1 by Angela Rachmat : THE “RED SEA” IN OUR LIVES

Exodus 14:13-14 speaks four things to the Israelite when they were facing red sea in front of them.

  1. “Do not be afraid”. Fear steals strength. Fear steals hope. Fear stops us from moving forward. Fear is not a sin, but it can drag you into sin. Fear might bring you nowhere because you are too afraid to decide (or creating the possibility of the having best decision for life). God knows our weaknesses, as well as our strengths. But God wants us to focus on our strengths to fight our own fears, instead of focusing on our weakness and fall .
  2. “Stand firm” (be confident). Moving on means we look forward. But it is important to take a look in our past and see how much great things (or blessings) God had done for us in our past lives. How do we see ourselves? We will never win anything if we choose to be beaten up by the bad things happen in our lives.
  3. “You will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today”. God wants us to receive what’s best for our lives. If we don’t get what we ask for, we tend to be disappointed because we think God misses the point. In dart games, if we hit the point outside the bullseye, it doesn’t mean it’s nothing. It means God wants to settle on the “side things” that haven’t been settled before we receive the blessings we are asking.
  4. “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still”. God fight the battle for you when you be still. It will be so much difficult for us to listen to His voice when we are too busy to listen to our own voices.

“I am working on something in your life. Would you trust Me?”.

Session 2 by Englyn Mutty : CHANGE THE WAY YOU FIGHT

When we receive bad news, we tend to fall. Feeling devastated. Losing hope. Asking questions. But God is up to something because He actually is working behind the screen. Every each of us will go through the same season in life where we have done everything in, but things have not changed.

We often have the tendency not to be aware that something is actually change. Our attitudes, our responses, our characters, that have been shaped after all this time. We just need to see it from God’s perspective instead of our limited views.

Because God is God who cares for the process instead of the final result (answered prayers).

God is more interested for us to walking the process. Don’t run from it.

Walk like we have already received the blessing, it will change the way we walk, the way we fight. We will be confident. We will be patience waiting God to fulfill His promises.

Because patience brings hope.

Session 3 by Dawnchere Wilkerson : YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND 

When you are in a difficult situation, you need a friend. When you are feeling lonely, you need a friend.

Know that God never leaves us. He is our best of the very best Friend.

Loneliness is a battle inside of each of us. We might be surrounded by a lot of people, among thousands, but we will still be lonely. Because loneliness is the enemies’ lie. They try to trick us that God has left us, abandoned us, forgotten us. Enter His presence, and feel His presence. We will never feel lonely anymore.

God loves us that much so He wants us to receive what’s best for us, what we NEED and not what we want.


 

Wait on Him, because He has not done just yet. You will never lose hope in God.

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Blessings in Disguise · EN · Irin Active Journey · Life Lesson

Ironman 70.3 Bintan Journey

Long distance sports have taught me more into characters development rather than gaining physical strength. For me, becoming strong is just a reward. The real journey is when you becoming someone better from the inside. That is the most valuable lesson I will always picked.

Every time I finish a long distance race, I always come back home learning a precious life-lesson.

Most people would’ve imagined what it takes for someone (or me) to reach certain level of strength. Or endurance. They would think it takes waking up early when the sun has not shined, or spare at least an hour of your schedule each day just to train, or going extra miles – keep improving your distance over time – which will be resulting gaining your endurance level.

But for me, I see it from different perspective and found much deeper meanings by being a long distance athlete.

I am becoming the better me because I have the best moments with myself during those long hours of exercise.

I just completed my second 70.3 Triathlon Race in Bintan last Sunday. My first at four months ago was not an official Ironman race, but they had a Half Ironman distance. And my second was an official Ironman race from The State. I improved my timing from 8:20 hours to 7:50-ish hours, with less training because of some incidents happened during my peak training weeks. I don’t say that you will do just good with less training. Of course proper training and preparations have high contribution on the performance. But I realized that my own mental readiness has higher contribution on the performance.

It is what keep me going..

THE SWIM LEG

Swimming open water has many challenges. And risks as well (for sure). Learn to do sighting while you also need to keep your body straight to maintain the buoyancy so the swimming won’t feel too draggy, is one of many challenges we all are facing during the Triathlon race. Otherwise, you will swim out of the race course lane which will contributes to the longer timing and a risk of not being able to continue to the next leg.

Bintan’s ocean is one of the most beautiful sea I’ve ever swam. The wave is calm, the water is warm (about 29 degrees Celsius), the bottom is quite clear so I can see line of reefs, and some small fishes swam next to me.

I was never feel alone πŸ™‚

I knew I belong to the ocean, I did not need to take a while to blend with it. But not for some other participants. I can sensed their worries when it comes to swimming open water. And it is okay, it is okay to be scared of the water, of the ocean, of what it may happen.

The deeper the ocean, the cooler the temperature, the more we are formed to be stronger to conquer the roaring waves.

There were thousands participants were swimming on the same lane, even though we were divided by several waves, released every five minutes. But still, people were competing, and less likely we could find someone who can swim on the same pace as everybody else. They started kicking without caring whom would they hit around when people were trying to catch up with the front-liners.

But I cared.

At some point, I decided to look around, tried to find an empty spot where I could swim without hurting anybody. I might swam a little bit further because I was swimming almost at the outer lane line. But then again, I am here no to seek achievement, I am here to finish what I have started.

At that point, I learned to be less egocentric, thinking about other people than myself.

Maybe people were there to compete. But I realized I was there to find myself. They are not me, and I am not them.

I found my peace at the open water.

THE BIKE LEG

It was tough. The 90 kilometers distance was the toughest. And cycling has always been my weakest point. I heard that the bike course in Bintan is hilly. I never imagined how hilly Bintan was until I was sitting on the top of Aaron, conquering hills after hills.

It felt so long, it felt so far.Β “When will these hills end?”, as I looked down to see the road. I chose not to see how much further the hills I was facing.

At that point, I learned patience.

Because in the end, the hill itself has its limit, and we will reach at the peak of it eventually, within moments.

“Easy, Irene, easy. Go easy on yourself. Don’t push too hard. It’s a long journey, and you still have one more leg to finish”, I said that to myself every time I went into a hill that is too hard to climb.

“Don’t get off from Aaron. Just keep pedaling with your own pace. The hill(s) shall pass”, I said that to myself every time I saw a hill that is too far to pass.

At that point, I learned persistence.

Then I remember that most of the times I am being too hard on myself. I am an idealist. And a perfectionist. I would stress myself if things go sideways. I realize that I am being too hard on myself if I do that. In an ideal world of mine, everything does not come together with the things that we all are going through in the real world.

But I learned that each individuals are formed differently, and timing does not come the same between one and the others. It’s okay to take some time and go on with your own pace, my own pace ..

.. as long as you don’t stop.

I conquered hills after hills, without getting off from Aaron, survived the climb with extreme heat for about four hours.

THE RUN LEG

It was 11.30 AM when I started running, and it was extremely hot. I was too lazy to run. Both my legs were too heavy to run for another 21 kilometers, it was a long distance at this hour. Even it felt so long to run for just one kilometer.

The run was the longest journey.

But I kept running, slowly, with a small steps, and passed few people who started to walk in limps.Β When I was about to chose to walk along the run leg, I saw them and thought that I was not alone: everyone was in pain, everybody felt the same fatigue. So I kept my leaps small, and did not stop.

I learned that I am not alone in any kind of struggles ..

.. because everybody in this world are having the same struggles with their own capacities. The troubles I am facing right now, might seem easy or hard to someone else, and the troubles other people are facing right now, might seem easy or hard to me. I am not in the position to judge.

I learned to be more humble.

Because each of us are granted different kind of strength to face different kind of hardships and my existence around them are to be someone in times of need.

I was at my first out of second loop, when it felt so hot, and passed one of my friend that demotivated me with his negative words, telling me that I was suck. Tired, dehydrated, I realized my emotional state was at my lowest. I was hoping to hear some motivational cheers, but instead I got insulted. When I heard those words, I had the option to get angry or just let go and ignore what he had been thrown at me.

But I learned self-control, and chose to dwell in silence.

I cried for the next 3 kilometers and suddenly lost my energy to keep running under the sun. I was almost losing my confidence to finish the running part.Β “Am I that suck because I was way behind him?”,Β I was doubting myself.

But I learned to believe in myself, that no one has the right to define you but yourself.

I chose to cheer myself up by cheering other people, especially for those whom I know. Accompanied one of my injured friend for 3 kilometers when the rain came down heavily and chose to leave him because he asked so.

It felt great when you are there for someone in need.

I managed to finish all the legs with no injuries or pain.

SUMMARY

I caught a light flu and a cough, I had my second day of period during the race day, I was not at my best physical condition, but I was able to finish the race, when the day before I almost gave up to start the race because I thought I could not bear everything. And every time I was about to give up, every several kilometers, I always remind myself why I do what I do: to finish what I have committed to begin.

At that point, I learned to be a person of my own words.

“Why I should I torture myself in this long distance race?” Should I give up? Can I finish the course?, I asked myself those questions every time I was going to put it an end.

But I am not the kind of person who would like to give up easily.

The thing to be a long distance race finisher is because I want to bring home a story to be told: nothing is impossible if you believe in yourself.

The greatest battle is not out there, on the course, but it is within you: yourself.

I could not thank God enough for His guidance in every seconds I was at each of the legs’ course. I can feel Him right next to me, giving me the energies I needed to keep my going, while He gently said: “You are not done yet, My child, keep going”.

I am not done yet, because I have not seen the finish line. The race is like a life-journey, you don’t give up just yet when things seem to be overwhelmed to handle. It makes you stronger, makes me stronger, creating a better you and I over time.

I found more of me.

And you will find more of you somewhere along the journey, just like how I found mine πŸ™‚

I went back to the villa where I stayed, took a quick shower and joined my friends who were still around the race village with a big smile. I might not be a winner in the stage, but I am a winner of my own demons: fear and worry.

And that’s all that matter .. That is all that matter πŸ™‚

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-23 at 2.45.20 PM

PS:

Thanks for the togetherness, TriDear! It was an awesome journey with you guys!

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WhatsApp Image 2017-08-23 at 2.45.55 PM

 

About Me · Blessings in Disguise · EN · Life Lesson

Fulfilled. Complete. Secure.

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If someone come to me and ask me a question: “How would you describe your life today?”. I would say: “I am fulfilled”.

For the first time in my life, I finally can understand and experience “the fullness of life”, to be complete. For the first time in my life, if I cry in the darkness, it is not because I mourn for the troubles I face, but because my heart is touched because I am loved. This heart feels nothing other than love itself. Love from and towards people around me, love from and towards my family, and most of all, love from and towards God. And if I ever feel forgotten by someone I appreciate his or her presence around, I might feel a little bit of sadness. But I will always survive, because God’s love never leave me.

A few years back when I got a “theory” that in order to find the love of your life and get into marriage, you must be fulfilled first. Complete. I had no idea at that point of time what was the meaning of “being complete”. I heard that an empty cup will never be able to give anything. And marriage is all about giving.

But how can I be complete? I was so broken and I never see myself as someone who is worthy enough to be loved by the others. I was scared that nobody would accept the true me. I was so logical and never really understand God’s love. I knew the theory, but I was never understand. I felt empty. Insecure.

But God never gave up on me. He is Faithful. And I am so grateful that God never miss me to put me into the right community and letting me meeting right people.

And most of all I am so grateful that God has given me this kind of “awareness” that He is always there. Even though I fell thousands times, but I always rise for another thousands times.

Sunday afternoon, when I had nothing to do and nowhere to go, I felt that “fear” to be on my own with these lots of energies inside of me. Lots energies mean lots of unnecessary thoughts. But I did not want to go exercise. I wanted to do something else. So I texted one of my good friend and asked her what was her plans for the afternoon. Turned out that she had not had her lunch, so I went for a light lunch with her and her future husband.

For me, every opportunity I spend with someone, will always be a quality one. So we talked on deep things about life.

And those moments will always give me a blessing, I will always learn something valuable from there.

We talked about their wedding plans. And each of them shared their experiences on relationships they had gone through for the past four years. Not easy, but they survived. Especially when I found the fact that they are almost 40s.

“There was some point where I was desperate to find someone to love. But that point had led me to another point where I told my Mom that even if I don’t find anyone, God’s love never leave me”, said she, “I am secure”, as she squeezed her handbag to her chest.

I replied her smile because there was nothing I could say further to reply her statement.

I continued my evening with my boy-friends, had what so called “dirty” dinner while I kept thinking of how these couple weeks I had been quite silence and did not write anything on my own blog.

You know I always vocal on a blog, right?

What did I feel? What did I think? I must’ve thought of something until I did not have any ideas to be poured into a writing.

Of course I faced something.

I liked a guy in my church that was too far away from my reach – as I wrote in my previous posts. And everybody around me somehow kept saying: “Just let him go, because you are far more too precious for a guy like him“. So I asked God: “What was the meaning of all that? Where the world defying back what I wished for just like how my four years ago relationship went. This must be something“.

Well.. I kinda have that kind of sensitivity..

I could not understand until one day God spoke right to me when I was in silence with my guitar: Don’t you be satisfied with the love I have for you? Why should you seek from the others?

Don’t you have that beautiful dream since you were a kid to have a kind of family you never had before?“.

I do, have that dream.

Isn’t it beautiful if you wait for My time?”.

I once wrote a quote and posted it in my Instagram: “What could be more beautiful than finding something when you are not seeking?”. This post I wrote when I was struggling with my moving on process a few months back and tried to seek for a runaway.

I always believe that beautiful things are worth the wait.

I am a writer. I need to live the words I am writing.

I knew that was God because after that night, suddenly I felt this deep feeling of peace. It felt like I was overwhelmed by God’s love, over and over again. I felt like the cup I left it half empty filled by a fresh water and somehow it is now full.

I recalled my love journey for the past one year, how I saw myself as someone who cannot be left alone because the problem is I was afraid of facing myself. But I learned a valuable lessons:

  1. When I thought I would never love somebody like how much I loved my four years ago boyfriend – I was in love with somebody I could never thought I would, and the sacrifices I made were more than I made for my ex, and I learned that the feeling I felt for him was far more beautiful than I felt towards my ex. I learned that you will never feel the same thing towards someone, it will just gets more beautiful.
  2. When I was having my struggles to accept that someone I love left for good, I was (almost) having a relationship with someone I never thought would turn my life – writing and publishing a book that has been delayed for a decade. He had been my inspiration for the work I am passionate about: writing, and I found myself again from the book I finished writing because I realized I defeated my own pain. I learned how to understand, listening, and handle myself and made peace with my own fears and loneliness. I came out not only as a survivor, but also a winner of my own weaknesses.
  3. When I was in the process of moving on, I got the chance to see everything that I had been through were actually God’s love to save me from the life or relationships He does not want me to get into. He loves me too much to see me settling down with someone that does not come from Him. He loves me too much to see me not to be the best of my life. He loves me too much as He is being protective to me.

I learned to accept me and facing my own fears: that even pain and fears are just temporary. But God’s love is endless.

Last night when I and my other three friends in my inner circle were joking around in a Whatsapp Group about how one of us was visiting the place his girlfriend once lived, “I’m just learning her past”, I mocked him – since he always mocks me and I finally get the chance to mock him :p. “Are you jealous, Irene, because you have not gotten the chance to have that kind of opportunity?“, said another one of us.

I replied him back: “No. My time will come”. I can see myself said that sentence confidently.

They all smiled πŸ™‚

Because I believe that God who loves me that much will lead me to be with someone that comes from Him because all He wants for me is just me being the best of me in life.

And I believe on His timing.

Fulfilled. Complete. Secure.Β That’s who I am right now πŸ™‚

About Me · Blessings in Disguise · IN · Life Lesson

The 30th – i am LOVED (by God)

Aku selalu mempunyai kebiasaan untuk menulis sesuatu di beberapa tanggal yang khusus. Natal, tahun baru, paskah, dan ulang tahunku sendiri. Tapi entah mengapa, tahun ini aku tidak terlalu ingin mengungkapkan apa pun di hari ulang tahunku.

Sudah sekian tahun aku menyembunyikan tanggal ulang tahunku dari beberapa info di Social Media, bermula dari tahun dimana hatiku hancur berkeping-keping oleh karena patah hati berat yang aku alami empat hingga lima tahun lalu. Aku hanya ingin sendiri.

Begitu pula tahun ini. Aku hanya ingin sendiri.

Namun kesendirian telah mengajarkan aku begitu banyak pelajaran berharga dalam hidup. Dan kini aku menikmatinya: kesendirian.

Ada kisah dimana kesendirian tersebut berevolusi menjadi kesepian. Tapi masalahnya bukan mengenai perasaan apa yang aku rasakan melalui kesendirian, melainkan bagaimana aku memeluknya menjadi satu momen dimana aku dapat bertumbuh lebih lagi melalui suatu pengenalan terhadap diri sendiri.

Dan tentu saja, melalui kesendirian, aku menemukan Tuhan lebih lagi. Aku mendengar Tuhan lebih lagi.

Tidak. Aku menyendiri bukan untuk mengasihani diri sendiri. Aku menyendiri untuk bertanya kepada Tuhan apa yang Tuhan mau aku buat untuk hidup ke depanku. Sebagaimana di awal tahun 2017 Tuhan pernah berkata kepadaku untuk mengalokasikan sebagian waktuku untuk suatu tujuan lain selain berolahraga. Aku memakai hari ulang tahunku untuk bertanya kepadaNya kembali. “Apa yang Kamu mau aku buat, Tuhan?”.

I explored within. To find me.

Untuk mencari tujuan hidupku di dunia ini.

Tidak banyak orang di dunia ini yang cukup berani untuk berkaca dan menggali isi hati, isi pikiran sendiri. Aku pun takut. Takut mendapatkan fakta bahwa ternyata aku membangun kebahagiaan dan keceriaanku di suatu dasar yang fana: penyangkalan diri. Menyangkal diri bahwa semandiri apa pun aku, sebenarnya aku ini sangat membutuhkan seseorang. Menyangkal diri bahwa sekuat apa pun aku, sebenarnya aku ini sangat rapuh ketika malam menerpa. Menyangkal diri bahwa seberani apa pun aku, sebenarnya aku ini sangat ketakutan menghadapi sesuatu. Menyangkal diri bahwa sepercaya-diri apa pun aku, sebenarnya aku ini tidak percaya dengan diriku sendiri.

Tapi Tuhan memaksaku untuk berada dalam ruangNya, dan satu per satu Dia bukakan lembaran-lembaran isi hatiku yang paling dalam, yang ternyata aku sembunyikan bahkan dari diriku sendiri. Aku dipaksaNya untuk menerima diriku sendiri, tidak lagi menyangkal keberadaanku sebagai seseorang yang sangat hancur, jika tidak Dia selamatkan.

Tapi sesungguhnya Tuhan tidak pernah melewatkan seorang pun.

Seharusnya aku bisa lebih bersyukur..

Tapi tidak ada yang terlambat dari sebuah permulaan jika kita ingin memulainya kembali, bukan?

Jadi.. Aku memulai kembali perjalananku dengan Tuhan, seraya menerima diriku sendiri, bahwa seberapa keras dunia menolakku, sudah cukup bagiku jika Tuhan yang mengasihiku dan menerimaku.

Hampir dua minggu yang lalu, aku pada akhirnya menginjak permulaan umur 30. Tidak sedih akan usiaku, tidak kecewa akan masa laluku, dan tidak takut akan masa depanku. Aku hanya tahu Tuhan telah memberikan aku beberapa pencapaian yang tidak dapat tergantikan dengan apa pun:

  1. 2 Full Marathons in 2016
  2. 1 Half Ironman in 2017
  3. 2 Bike Race Podiums in 2017
  4. 1 self-writing book launching
  5. But most of all: I AM LOVED – aku dipenuhi oleh cinta kasihNya yang tidak terbatas

Ya. Bukuku yang pertama mengenai sebuah kisah cinta yang berakhir dengan kisah patah hati. Tapi melalui patah hati tersebut aku belajar bagaimana Tuhan sangat sayang kepadaku sehingga Dia hanya ingin aku mendapatkan yang terbaik dariNya, bukan yang terbaik dari bagaimana seseorang membuatku merasakan hati yang berbunga-bunga.

Jika aku tidak pernah dipertemukan dengannya, aku tidak akan mengerti seberapa jauh Tuhan ingin aku melahirkan karya-karya sastra yang akan menginspirasi dunia.

Jadi.. Aku bersyukur kepadamu, J, dipertemukan dan diijinkan menoreh kisah dalam buku kehidupanku walau aku dan kamu tidak untuk satu sama lain πŸ™‚ Aku pernah mengasihimu, dan aku tidak akan pernah melupakan bahwa rasa kasihku terhadapmu lah yang mendorongku untuk menciptakan sebuah karya.

Dan pada akhirnya aku mengerti maksud Tuhan menganugerahkan aku talenta dalam menulis. Tulisan-tulisanku tersebut pada akhirnya membawa berkat bagi diriku sendiri. Dan detik ini aku bisa bilang dengan yakin tujuan hidupku adalah untuk menulis.

Jika tulisanku memberkati orang lain, itu semua hanyalah bonus. Karena yang sesungguhnya merasa terberkati melalui karya tulisku adalah diriku sendiri.

Usai bukuku selesai ditulis, aku menemukan hatiku yang terkekang oleh kesedihan, pada akhirnya terlepas dari segala macam sakit dan rasa takut untuk mencintai. Pada akhirnya aku menyadari kata-kata Tuhan yang berkata: there is no fear in love. Berani mencintai, berani disakiti. Dan jika kita disakiti oleh cinta, sakit itu hanya akan membawa kita selangkah lebih dekat lagi terhadap seseorang yang tepat.

Melalui buku yang aku tulis sendiri, aku pulih.

Menulis merupakan caraku untuk menyembuhkan luka-luka yang terpendam lama. Dan jika kamu, Pembaca, yang sedang membaca tulisan ini memerlukan suatu pemulihan dalam hidupmu, telusurilah dirimu dan temukan sesuatu yang bisa kamu buat untuk kamu pulih dari luka-luka masa lalumu. Jangan lari atau sangkal dirimu.

I am so grateful of the beginning of my 30-ish life, and I am so excited of what God wants me to do to inspire people, to be a blessing for people around me.

Jadi… Tunggu aku dengan beberapa karya tulis berbentuk novel selanjutnya ya? πŸ™‚

Blessings in Disguise · EN · Journey of Love · Life Lesson · Random Things Found in Daily Life

A(nother) fulfillment

I never have the intention to test God. But I did ask Him if He will fulfill my little secret wish today.

Again. There is no wish that is too stupid or too impossible if we believe in it. If we turn it as a prayer.

Specific. I heard that God loves detail. And how He appreciates specific wishes. Or prayers.

So I learned to be specific with Him. I asked Him specifically if He is about to allow me meeting him. One more time. And hear his voice. Understand his way of talking as a part of who he is when he interacts with other people.

Maybe. Just maybe. I could visualize a kind of man he is.

Do you know that each night I bring your name to my night prayer before I surround myself with a warm blanket? Asking God if He would given me the chance of knowing you better. Asking God if your appearance lately means something.

While I am also teaching myself to accept when I wish for something that might not come true. Maybe most people called it “gamble”.

No expectation. Understand that if God wants it to happen, it will happen eventually.

I was amazed by God’s love.

So I met him. So he stood in front of me. So I heard his voice.

I believe that was God’s love that I was allowed to receive that kind of fulfillment. Just as like I asked, specifically to Him last night before I crawled into my bed and drown to sleep.

So I smiled, so he smiled. I don’t know about him, but I will never forget this moment. I will never forget the days when I met you because those days were the days where God showed me His grace by fulfilling my wishes.

I wonder if that means something. Of course, I asked Him. I asked God what does He want to teach from this.

But even if it does not mean anything, I understand that God wants me to witness and feel His love towards me: that everything we’ve asked for, will come true eventually, as long as we believe that it will happen.

At the perfect moment πŸ™‚

I learn it now.. I learn to believe..

Do you believe it now?

About Me · Blessings in Disguise · EN · Journey of Love · Literature

you

i have never found myself fascinated with a specific person. normally i would see him or her as someone i admire because he or she has become an inspiration to me. but what inspiration do i have when i see you? i don’t even know you, you don’t even know me, and we don’t even introduce ourselves to each other. but why your figure always visit my mind when i am at my weakest hour: the night.

it has always been the night that makes me believe that dreams really do come true..

so if i dream about you, will you allow me to wish it to come true? 

i know you and i believe you know me. but just to a limit of knowing each other that each of us exist somewhere in this city, and once seen somewhere on the corner of the stage that put us together. but no story built between us. 

will it be true? the story?

i told God that i am too afraid of myself, because i have this “unique” capability of falling in love with my own imagination. so if i am imagining you somewhere in the midnight, is it okay if i fear of myself to fall in love with you when i am standing in between the reality and the dream? because there is some fragile hours when i can’t differentiate where i am standing. 

that’s why, it is locked for a reason. i mean .. heart, my heart. because i understand if the world couldn’t understand this. and i always pray, i always ask, for someone to come in here, and understand that i am so vulnerable because i am easy to love. 

i am easy to love because i can accept someone’s weaknesses and love them (the weaknesses) easily. i deeply understand how imperfections can make my world to be so much perfect. 

wait.. is that something that needs to be embrace, or is it wrong? is it wrong to wish for a sun to shine at night, and the moon to light my path in the darkness? 

is it wrong to wish for something that is too impossible, or someone that is too far away? 

no. i never stop asking God for something that is too impossible. 

because i believe in the process. 

the result is just a reward.

i believe in the process, of praying about you, telling God (specifically) your name, even though you are so far away and too impossible, i believe that it will develop my Faith.

and knowing you is just a reward He gives to me πŸ™‚

Blessings in Disguise · Irin Active Journey · Journey of Love · Random Things Found in Daily Life

granted simple wish

Semalam aku bermimpi tentang kamu. Dan aku dapat merasakan mimpi itu seolah kenyataan. Aku dapat merasakan keberadaanmu begitu dekat.

Aku mengerti sekarang bahwa mimpi itu merupakan hasil dari segala sesuatu yang kita pikirkan tepat sebelum kita tertidur. Dan ya, aku memang sempat memikirkan dirimu sore hari, dan malam hari, hingga tepat sebelum tertidur. Terutama setelah kesempatan singkat dan sederhana bertemu denganmu pada tempat dan waktu yang tidak diduga.

Siang itu merupakan siang setelah kebaktian gereja usai, ada satu harapan sederhana di dalam hatiku, “seandainya saja aku dapat dipertemukan dengannya”. Mungkinkah? Atau harapan itu hanya sekedar impian semu belaka? Aku turun ke lantai bawah seraya berpikir restoran mana yang akan kupilih untuk aku menyantap makan siangku yang tertunda dari dua jam yang lalu. Entah bagaimana, ada sesuatu dalam hatiku yang menyarankan untuk mengunjungi restoran dimana aku dan dirinya pertama bertemu. Jadi aku pergi ke sana.

Tentu saja, dia tidak disana.

“Ah mungkin hanya harapan bodohku saja”. Tapi tidak ada satu pun harapan yang terlalu bodoh jika kamu mengubahnya menjadi doa sederhana.

Mungkin tanpa disadari aku ini sebenarnya berdoa kepada Tuhan untuk dipertemukan dengannya. Entah kenapa ada rindu melihat sosoknya, bukan hanya memandangnya dari sosial media yang menyatukan kita.

Aku memilih untuk duduk di sisi luar restoran yang berdampingan dengan jalan umum. Tadinya Ma, yang saat itu sedang bersamaku, memilih untuk duduk di sisi dalam restoran. Tapi entah mengapa, sesuatu dalam hatiku kembali berkata, “ada baiknya kamu duduk di sisi luar”.

“Duduk di luar saja yuk, Mam? Di dalam pengap”. Jadi aku duduk di sebelah lorong restoran tersebut.

Ternyata suara itu bukan sesuatu. Melainkan Seseorang.

Tiga puluh menit kemudian, pandanganku bertemu dengan sosoknya yang sedang berjalan dari hadapanku, menyelusuri lorong sisi luar restoran tempatku makan siang. Aku pikir aku berkhayal. Tapi aku tahu, bahwa itu dia. Dari jauh aku sudah dapat mengenal sosoknya yang belum lama ini baru menarik perhatianku.

Dia selalu mempesona dengan caranya tersendiri πŸ™‚

Detik itu aku mengerti, suara-suara itu merupakan suara Tuhan yang mendengar doaku dan mengabulkan doaku.

Lalu sepanjang sore hingga malam hari aku terus berpikir jika doa dan harapan sederhana yang sempat aku lantunkan itu mempunyai maksud tertentu. Aku bercerita kepada seorang teman baikku mengenai kejadian sederhana yang aku alami itu.

“Tidak ada yang kebetulan, bukan?”, ujarnya.

Mungkin saja. Mungkin saja tidak. Tapi aku selalu menganggap segala sesuatu yang terjadi dalam hidupku mempunyai maksud-maksud khusus yang tersembunyi. Jadi aku bertanya kepada Tuhan jika memang Tuhan ijinkan aku membuka diriku kepadanya.

Tapi pertanyaannya lebih ke: “siapkah aku?”. Siapkah aku terluka lagi, siapkah aku membuka diriku lagi, siapkah aku mencinta lagi?

Ah tidak. Mungkin tidak secepat itu untuk mencinta. Tidak lagi. Tapi tentu saja aku harus membuka diriku akan kesempatan untuk menemukan cinta kembali.

Dan sepanjang tiga hari aku menyendiri di perbatasan kota Jakarta dan Bogor, aku telah merenungkan banyak hal.Β Bahwa hanya orang berani saja yang bisa mencintai. Mungkin aku harus lebih memberanikan diri, karena jika aku mencintai, artinya aku membuka diriku akan kesempatan untuk terluka kembali.

Aku bangun di pagi hari dengan perasaan heran mengapa aku memimpikanmu begitu dekat, begitu nyata. Apakah pikiranku yang menguasai isi mimpiku? Atau memang alam bawah sadarku mengatakan bahwa sudah saatnya aku kembali membuka diriku? Ataukah mimpi tersebut merupakan caraku menyampaikan doa dan harapan, dan bagaimana Tuhan mengemasnya menjadi sebuah petunjuk?

Aku hanya tahu satu hal: Tuhan mendengar doa dan harapan kecil hati yang merindu.

Percayakah kamu? πŸ™‚