EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Looking forward

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-13 at 8.41.18 PM

Her weekends were packed. With monthly regular agenda to starts her first day of the weekend, she realized that she had not enough sleep for the past two days. But for the love of running, she decided to take a short run around her house. Juuusssttt a short one, because she always believes that running pumps her energy up. She would not feel that exhausting even though she had tight schedules. And she will not feel that cranky as well because of the lack of sleep.

Yeah. She feels too much.

And whenever she feels the mood is going low, she goes for a run. It always refreshes her.

Don’t forbid her, okay? She needs that..

The sun was at the highest where she went for a simple lunch with the team nearby. She was confused of what should she does afterwards. Planned to continue her work somewhere, but somehow she felt too lazy to do it alone.

She longed for someone’s presence, even though she could not speak too much because of her introversion. But she just knew that she wished to be accompanied.

Presence. That’s all she needed.

A friend raised her voice and asker her during the lunch, “Where do you want to go next after this? Care to join me to accompany me finishing my work?”. Without further thinking, she accepted her offer.

“Are you willing to wait for me while I get my laptop and meet you at the cafe?”, she answered her.


She rushed back home to get her laptop. With a quick preparation, she went out to see where she was going to meet her friend at one of the mall between central and south area. While reaching her phone she put at the back of her jeans pocket, she found out that her friend had reach the place.

“Take your time. Let me get my lunch first, then we can go to the coffee shop to work”, said she on the text.

That was the place where she is going to see him for the next three days. Why it feels so long? Why she has this kind of curiosity that difficult for her to manage?

But she realized: it is something that she looks forward to.

She arrived at the restaurant her friend was having lunch at, talked for few minutes. And she just knew that this friend, is the best person to discuss something that she needed to talk for the past week. This friend is a trustworthy individual.

It took her a long time to be open with someone, because trust has been her personal issue.

Do you wonder why her friend joined her for the lunch but then she still having lunch at another place? Well, her friend did not have lunch together with the team. She wanted to eat a proper meal. There she was, meeting her friend at a restaurant that serves variety healthy menus on the plate.

The talk, was too deep, to the depth where she could not stop thinking what her friend had been saying.

“Just remember your values”, said she, her friend, before they left to the coffee shop where they planned to work. It was a great four hours companionship with her, with less talking, but she felt her presence in front of her.

They parted as the sun began to set.

And suddenly the fears revisited her mind for the rest of the night, making her had difficulties to get a quality sleep she desperately needed.

She closed her eyes, but she was never truly sleeps.

The room’s darkness had somehow brought her spirit to another world. Awake.

Since she needed to stay put for the rest of half day to be cheerful and hyperactive on the stage, in front of thousands people, she knew it’s going to be a tiring day. But she managed to fills herself with so much energies. Without being cranky. Without being too quiet. But being the best version of her.

As she walked down the lobby, racing with time, there was a glance of thought that she threw to herself. “Will I see him today?”. Will she bump into him like she bumped into him two weeks ago when she decided to walk pass by him without him noticing?

She recalled when she wished to meet someone she adored from afar few months back, and life was giving her the chance to bump into him. God listened her whispering heart. That’s where she realized that even a small and simple thing, God always listens.

And of course. She bumped into him. Which made her surprised that such a simple wish would be granted.

Could that mean something?

As she saw him from afar, binded between the decision to greet or not to greet, “But I think it would be polite if I just say a quick ‘HI’ to him even though we did not plan to meet”, she decided to: let’s just give it a shot, if there is a chance, she’ll greet him.

With her small steps, she called him because there was the chance .. the chance where he turned around and almost crash into each other, but she made her way out of him, and just said that quick line.

And he replied.

She never knew until this moment, whether he realized that it was her that called him.

Few hours later, she saw him again, without him noticing her and somehow she did not have any intention to greet him again even though he was sitting next to where she was sitting. As he departed, and the only thing she did just following his trail, leaving the place while looking at his phone.

I think that’s the thing about someone whom love language is “quality time”. Even if she does not have the chance to spend some time with someone she picks to be with, seeing his form would be enough. Fills her energies. Recharges her exhausting spirit.

“I do not why this time is different. There is no so much eagerness to reach him. But all I wish for is to everything to go with how it should be gone. And be patient. Let only time tells what should be happened”, she said that to herself.

She did well enough to finish her responsibility for eight hours straight. But still got the chance to give her time to meet her closest friends who called her to join them. Spent the moments quiet, observing and listening to each others’ conversations, her energies’ tank had emptied out. But presence, she needed someone’s presence.

Few hours later, when she was going back home, her bestfriend texted her, asked for her time for a quick dinner.

“I’d love to, but I am so exhausted”, she replied him, her bestfriend. But she knew, she had to make time. And he knew, he needed her for some advice. So he decided to gave her the best option they could have ever had to meet in the middle.

He pick her up, and talked along the journey of sending her home. Turned out that the half an hour meeting – a super quick one – gave her some kind of releasing as well. She would call it: a blessing in disguise. Hearing herself telling him advice as a reminder for herself that love takes time to grow, so don’t rush love.

When you make time for someone, life gives you something back in return.

That’s how the “economy-cycle” in love works.

At least she knew tonight, that she will have a good night sleep.

Gotta be ready for the next super-packed week, girl! Be ready to how life is going to surprise you – your one and only wish for this year.

And something that you look forward to. Right? πŸ™‚

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Our space. And the distance.

Space is good. Space is needed. And it is not necessarily empty. It is not necessarily useless. It is not necessarily silent. But it is filled with the ticking clock. It is filled with time. And if someone is given you a space, that means he or she needs some time.

To think. To feel. To see.

She left the building early, as she had nothing much to do. She had to wait for one more hour to meet her appointment. Confused by what should she does to kill the time, she decided to take a 30 minutes walk to the place where she was going to meet her appointment.

She always finds herself during a good walk under a great weather.

The ground was wet. It was because of the rain earlier. She enjoyed the walk, it was mild and she never sees a 3 kilometers as a distance that is too difficult to travel. Because she is willing to go through any distance her life is given to her. No matter how difficult it might be, but she is willing to fight.

Do you? Willing to fight the same way as she does?

Because of her depth, she feels deeply enough to fight what she’s seen to be worth the fight.Β And if it’s love, she finds it worth it.

No relationship is worthy if there is nothing to fight.

No wonder there are some people in this world that is too protective to their own self and find it difficult to find someone that is so close to a match like them. And it is okay, it is okay to wait until you find one. And throw away all the fears you are feeling during the moment of wait.

Because everything beautiful in this world are worth the wait.

She asked a lot of questions to the blue sky above her during the walk. “Why does it fade?”. All the excitements become more outages. She is no longer looking forward to it, but she is more to throwing a lot of questions to herself. And to life. Trying to analyze everything she had heard and she had gone through for the past three weeks, and making sure that she is not living in her imaginative world.

The walk was worth a go. She always finds enlightenment in the middle of the journey she takes by walking. Blending with the nature, and let the wind itself whispers something to her.

It is because of the space he and she own with all the silence and curiosity that feed her off.Β And if we are about to be that beautiful, space is the only thing that could unite us.

If you’ve ever found her to be sorrowful, let her take her walk and see the nature as a part of her.

There are some time when she actually hates waiting. But there are some other time when she realizes that time is the only thing she has to make the best decision of her life.

You don’t make decision based on the current feelings.

Think it through before you reach an understanding of all the risks you are wiling to take. She knows that she is dealing with her own heart that is difficult for her to handle “Am I willing to take the chance of getting hurt one more time?”, the only question she could ask to herself.

No. I think that is not the right question. “Am I willing to travel on the journey I have seen of how things could go?”.

And maybe he is going through the same thing as she.

Who would know? Right?

EN · Journey of Love · Literature



A friend came to her with a small talks that evolved to be something more meaningful. With all the jokes he threw at her, he slipped a serious line in between, something that makes her wonder to the rest of her day. Something that triggered her hyperactive mind turn on. Β “Don’t think too much on him just yet”. Does she? Thinks too much of him?

She drew herself to her own world. Stayed there for few moments to ask herself whether he was right. But he did not know that. He did not know that she was drawing herself out from the real world around her. She and her multi-tasking mind, and the ability to split herself to be two entities in one form.

“I did not. Just something came up, and his figure is the first thing that pops in my mind”, as she answered him, preventing him judging her. She trusts him, as a good friend, but she stills afraid to reveal her true self.

Because it is something she needs to handle on herself, and she is a working in progress in that particular area.

But the truth is, she might be thinking about him. Of how things might go. The future that nobody could have ever predicted. Even though she knew that it is not the time to think that far just yet. But perhaps, she just need something to occupy her mind, so all the stresses would go away, and she has something to look forward to. Something that excites her.

Love excites her. Because it is the most beautiful thing that could’ve ever happened in her life.

The risk is also there: the risk of falling in love on an imaginative figure. The problem is: is she willing to take that risk? Is she willing to invest on her feeling towards someone to figure out whether she is so close with her childhood dream – to create a simple and classic happy family?

You know right she loves classic things. Because classic means simplicity. Original. Authentic.

Just how she always order Egg Benedict with wheat toast and latte on the side for breakfast. Always, you know, always..

She already knew what she wanted that brunch.

“Want” is just a phase of knowing a “Need”.

She is thinking of the wonder for the uncommon process she is going through right now. Getting to know someone through someone else. Her first, actually. And she wonders on all the “whys”. Maybe she will ask that to him someday if he decides to open up to her.

She is answers seeker.

She understands that she could not get immediate answer. And the only thing I notice her different from the past is that she has changed. She is willing to wait. She is willing to adapt. She is willing to adjust. Patiently. And if she is not supposed to know the answer, she has a big heart to accept that there are some things in this world that do not require answers. It is where an individual gets the chance to grow.

“Maybe there’s nothing wrong anyway to put a little hope. Because every hope I put in something, will teach me something precious eventually. I lose nothing, because I gain a lesson”, said she inside.

A precious lesson can only be learned through pain.

She knew she made for love. To love. And be loved. It is all in her. And when she loves, she knew that she will give her all to someone she loves. That’s why she loves hard, and broken hard as well. Like how her past experiences had shaped her.

No. Not her. Her heart, to be precise.

Gentle enough to make a stand, but firm enough to decide someone for her to love, because she knew what she needs for her life.

Life can only give her series of people that come and go in her life, but God will only give her heart to the right one.

Oh man. She is indeed God’s beloved. God loves her too much for her to settle on the less.

A mature love is when we understand what we are seeking to complement our lives instead of getting what we want.

Of course she does think of him, even though she has not known him deep enough to decide whether to love or not to love. But she takes that risk, to consider him, whether he would be the one she needs after all these times she had gone through the pain and bitterness.

She’s got a few around her, and she just wants to make sure that nobody would distract her from what she truly needs.

That’s why she keeps her focus on what is in front of her. Him.

I can’t blame her either. I told her few times not to think of him too much. But I understand her and her world. It is just who she is.

And if her world falls apart one more time, I can only promise her to be there for her when she needs her own time to put up all the broken pieces.

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Her wondering


Bright afternoon. The sun smiled in his very brightest joy. He was sitting next to her. Driving her all the way around to her place. She chose him to sent her home. Because she knew that she needed to talk on some things she cannot tell her other best friends in the same group.

Few people only she chose to share the matter. She chose him among the other twos.

She has her own concerns.

The ones she keeps for herself, but at some point of time, she needs someone to listen on her own thoughts. Someone who won’t judge her like most people are. Someone she chooses.

As a matter of fact, she is very aware that she already has the answer within her. That is what make her strong. But she is just an ordinary girl who needs some kind of affirmative answers, like how most girls would be. The one that makes her believe in herself, that she stands on the correct path.

“You are on the right track”, as he, who was sitting next to her told her his opinion.

She always stands strong in front of everybody. But nobody knows how much she actually worries.

As she reached home, she was overwhelmed by the same feelings again. I knew she thinks too much: to the matters that you don’t even have to think at all. She just needed to understand the truth. But she could not get the truth out because of the timing has not yet to come.

She got prepared for her next meetings, and spent her evenings with her dearest ones. Friends after friends, companionships after companionships, and talked about great things in life. She laughed hard, she smiled often, but she tried to hide her deepest thought.

Will she meets him again over another meal? Will she gets the chance to know him further?

She now wonders why he did not eat his bread during the brunch they had. As she loves bread so much.

“I’ll ask him”, she said inside – then the thought came: will there be a chance?

It’s been so quiet for the past week, and she wonders whether the promise her good friend once mentioned would come true.

This is where she stands between imagination and real life: the one she cannot differentiate when she has too much thoughts on only one matter – whether the one he said that afternoon to see her again is something she wished for or something true. Which is, wrong by the way.. She knew it. But she also knew that it is beyond her control.

But a wise man told her that you don’t let worry controls you. You don’t let anything controls you. She tries. Really hard. She knew it is her biggest weakness.

How could you stand on your hope when you are not expecting?

How could she?

Nobody says it’s going to be easy..

She spent her evening with someone who needs to be listened. One of her (many) best friend. The one who also knew her story. But just at the surface. Few minutes before they left, he asked progress of her potential joy.

“Just wait”, she replied short as she did not want him to know the whole story.

He, her best friend, is a talkative individual. He started giving her some insights. He spoke on her concerns, although she did not share anything about them.

“I did not say it is something you need to consider. I believe you had already thought about that. But I just want to make sure that you are very aware on the possibilities I just mentioned”, said he.

“I know. And thank you for that”, as she replied him under the warm yellow light that filled the moment.

She spent her night in silence. Accompanied only by her thoughts. All the questions. All the wondering. All the curiosities. She chose to withdraw from the outside world. She chose to sign out from everything that connects her to the world. To make peace one more time with silence, to make peace with her own waiting time, where she could only pray this time: “Lord, hide my heart behind Yours so I won’t make a wrong decision again, so I don’t need to get hurt again”.

So she does not need to feel what should not be felt.

She needs protection.

Even though she knew that it is only dwell in her own mind. But her greatest battle lies within herself, that’s why she is very aware that her greatest fear is herself.

She found out her patterns: where there will always be one moment in her life in each month, where she is just cannot handle herself. And today is where the moment comes. She understands that, and since she is a deep learner, she needs to take some time for herself. To learn more about herself, why she feels the what she feels.

Will he understands this if he finds out about this? To give her the space she needs?

“I think it is not about who he is that gives me the joy, but I think it is about: I finally find someone, that I am looking forward to”, said she just after the car that sent her home made the last turn. And then she got out from the car, and said goodbye to each other.

EN · Journey of Love · Literature



There were nights where she couldn't make her brain stop working. The nights where she did not have quality sleeps she desperate to have. She knew of herself: even she thinks too much on small things. No wonder if she says that she needs someone to understand this situation. Many people are afraid of her. Or maybe tired of her. And even judge her so she makes some space to protect herself. Sometimes she withdraws for no reasons, not because she is angry, not because she locks her self off, or even pity herself. It is just a moment for her to deal with herself. And that's what she needs: someone to understand that she needs time, like everybody does.

She had any rights to choose to be cranky. Or moody, because of the lack of sleep. But somehow she trained herself to be more patient to herself. She realized that a reaction towards an uncomfortable is a decision. Everything we've done in life, is a decision. So for 10 days, she chose to dwell in her silence.

She loves to keep things by herself. She did not even share her feelings to her bestfriends.

It was a bright day on a one fine morning. Everybody in the city was out with their families. Some were meeting their beloved friends. She was all by herself when she traveled in a cozy car that would bring her to her future. The 30 minutes journey with a 3 kilometers distance was the shortest journey ever. Normally it will took 15 minutes, but she got stuck in an unexplained traffic. She did not have any idea whether she was excited, or nervous. She just knew what was inside of her mind: nothing.

Nothing? How could it be nothing?

She reached the destination just on time. Met her appointment at the middle of the cafe they were meeting. It was filled with a warm ambiance with a yellow color on the background. They were still waiting for one more person to join them that morning, over a brunch.

While she and her friend talked over a conversation, he suddenly got up and threw a toss to him: "Hey you, bro! Come, join us!".

She finally met him for the very first time..

"Hi!", that's all she could say at first to him.. She stood up to introduce herself to him. It is just how she shows her respect towards new person she meets. Being polite, that is she.

That morning he was wearing her favorite t-shirt color when a guy wearing one: black. That was the first thing she noticed from his physical appearance. She never truly cares physical appearance, but she always appreciates someone who knows how to groom himself. Neat. Tidy. She looked around of himself at a glance, and noticed another thing she was really appreciate: the way he put his phone with screen facing the table. There's nothing in this world she could ever appreciate than someone's real presence on a quality time moment like that.

Actually she had no idea how the meeting would be going. She also had no idea what should be discussed during the meeting. No expectation, that was all she knew where she stands.

But maybe, those intrusive thoughts she had for the past 10 days – which made her having difficulties to sleep – were because the pressure she felt of meeting someone she is aware of, but now knowing that the real person could be so comfortable to talk to.

But as a multi-task thinker, while they were making conversation after conversations, she could only think nothing other than himself as an individual instead of a figure she saw like everybody does.

There were times where she thinks that she is a nerd, or weird (in a positive way) because she could not find a match to understand her world. She is a dreamer. And imagination is her very bestfriend. She loves classic things that few people only could appreciate an authenticity. She loves things that hidden in between the lines instead of clarity. She loves mystery and the adventure journey to discover a truth to pump out her adrenaline. She loves complicated things because her heart as deep as the ocean, and her dreams are as high as the sky above. She knows and understand a lot of things because she is a deep learner.

And she found out in him.

But she wondered, why was he the only one who did not drink coffee? She should've asked him, because until today she still wonders..

The meeting went well, if you wonder on the story πŸ™‚

She is very aware of herself, that she is someone who loves to remember memories. Because when she is alone, she turns herself as a dreamer – someone who creates the world based on her imagination.

That is why she wonders how her future might turns starting from that day, because she decided to let go on a tempting offer over an opportunity to chase her childhood dream – the one she always dreams to have, the one she never had since she was a kid and she is longing to create.

Dreams are made. We create our own future.

A week has gone by, and he is the one she could think of. No, it's not about she misses him. Or about she wishes or expects something from him. No. It is definitely not about that. It is about her own consideration of how things might go.

All the ifs..

There was a night, she had given the chance to get drown in her own thoughts and exploring herself deeper, why she felt what she feels. And then there was a Voice inside of her that tells her that we needs a space: a space to consider, a space to think, a space to feel.

She then remembered one question her friend asked her after the meeting: "Can you handle his tight schedule? Can you handle his life?".

"I had been thinking about that, and I can only say that I am totally understand. I only expect one committed schedule in a week. no need to be the whole day, but at least I see him", as she replied him. She listened to herself and realized that she is ready, comparing to her past ones, the one from many years ago she departed from.

Because before all these started, 16 days ago, she could only stared at her phone when her friend asked her: "Can I introduce you with someone?".

She stared at her phone because she was thinking whether she is ready after the past broken heart(s).

But now she knows, that she is. It is only a matter of time.

Whether it would be him or not him, she finally finds her answer: she is ready. Not because she is desperate.

And she knows, there is no need to be afraid to open up. There is no need to be afraid of loving. No matter who the person would be, she is now secure enough to understand that every journey she takes would only lead to the best one.

God knows she hates waiting. But God knows there is a room that could be improved in the waiting.

Wait. She is waiting of how the journey might go.

EN · Life Lesson



4.30 PM

The hour where everything starts to fade. I am still sitting in front of my laptop, struggling with my stomach-ache caused by the gastritis attack I am having Β for the past two weeks, chatting with my good friend telling her about my current condition, twisting my mind to find a solution for this uncomfortable condition.

Couldn’t find anything though…

People around are starting to go pack their things and go home. Yeah. It’s different here, in my office. You can tap in at any hour in the morning, and tap out whenever your work is done for the day. Especially in my Division, Finance, where people are normally will reach the office at 7.00 AM, and leave at 4.00 PM. So it’s only few person left here.

I have dinner plan for tonight. With couple friends, who need to get some advice from me. I don’t know myself whether I could enjoy my dinner.

Or maybe I should leave now, maybe it is the aircon?


At this critical hour, where I lie myself in between the thin line of never-ending-work or leaving-for-a-dinner, I lifted my phone which sitting next to my right hand. Opened my Instagram, and the first post I see is my friend who is finally in an official relationship with someone. I know a little bit of their story.

Jealous? No. Just until yesterday I wrote a post about “being secure”, why should I be jealous?

Happy, to be precise.

You know. Seeing a friend of mine feels that kind of happiness, makes me happy as well.

You agree right that beautiful people are happy people? Beauty is simple: just be happy with your life.

If you have ever seen yourself beautiful in front of the mirror, it is not necessarily because you are wearing your best clothes, or putting classy make ups, but it is because you are happy.

Like today (or maybe for the past 13 days), when I saw my own reflection: I see a jumping rabbit.

It is the heart that sees the world in beauty.

It is the heart full of hope that sees life has future.

It is the heart that falls in love with life that sees joy in everything.

When I had that dream few months ago, that spoke right through me how my 2017 would be so exciting, I always wonder how could it be?

Of course it could, because excitements do not coming from the outside, it is coming from the inside. You might face troubles, but see troubles as challenges. You may feel sadness, but see sadness as a moment to handle your emotions. You may experience disappointment, but see disappointment as a learning phase that nothing in this world would go as what we expected.

Especially when you are an idealist or perfectionist as me.

I learned a lot, you know πŸ™‚ Β So many things about life, about love, that might turn into thick book.

And this how I always tell my best friends, my closes friends, my good friends: the most important thing about life is not about your story with someone else (or people), but it is about knowing yourself even more.

Wait for my moment, will you? You’ll find a surprise there πŸ˜‰

About Me · Blessings in Disguise · EN · Life Lesson

Fulfilled. Complete. Secure.


If someone come to me and ask me a question: “How would you describe your life today?”. I would say: “I am fulfilled”.

For the first time in my life, I finally can understand and experience “the fullness of life”, to be complete. For the first time in my life, if I cry in the darkness, it is not because I mourn for the troubles I face, but because my heart is touched because I am loved. This heart feels nothing other than love itself. Love from and towards people around me, love from and towards my family, and most of all, love from and towards God. And if I ever feel forgotten by someone I appreciate his or her presence around, I might feel a little bit of sadness. But I will always survive, because God’s love never leave me.

A few years back when I got a “theory” that in order to find the love of your life and get into marriage, you must be fulfilled first. Complete. I had no idea at that point of time what was the meaning of “being complete”. I heard that an empty cup will never be able to give anything. And marriage is all about giving.

But how can I be complete? I was so broken and I never see myself as someone who is worthy enough to be loved by the others. I was scared that nobody would accept the true me. I was so logical and never really understand God’s love. I knew the theory, but I was never understand. I felt empty. Insecure.

But God never gave up on me. He is Faithful. And I am so grateful that God never miss me to put me into the right community and letting me meeting right people.

And most of all I am so grateful that God has given me this kind of “awareness” that He is always there. Even though I fell thousands times, but I always rise for another thousands times.

Sunday afternoon, when I had nothing to do and nowhere to go, I felt that “fear” to be on my own with these lots of energies inside of me. Lots energies mean lots of unnecessary thoughts. But I did not want to go exercise. I wanted to do something else. So I texted one of my good friend and asked her what was her plans for the afternoon. Turned out that she had not had her lunch, so I went for a light lunch with her and her future husband.

For me, every opportunity I spend with someone, will always be a quality one. So we talked on deep things about life.

And those moments will always give me a blessing, I will always learn something valuable from there.

We talked about their wedding plans. And each of them shared their experiences on relationships they had gone through for the past four years. Not easy, but they survived. Especially when I found the fact that they are almost 40s.

“There was some point where I was desperate to find someone to love. But that point had led me to another point where I told my Mom that even if I don’t find anyone, God’s love never leave me”, said she, “I am secure”, as she squeezed her handbag to her chest.

I replied her smile because there was nothing I could say further to reply her statement.

I continued my evening with my boy-friends, had what so called “dirty” dinner while I kept thinking of how these couple weeks I had been quite silence and did not write anything on my own blog.

You know I always vocal on a blog, right?

What did I feel? What did I think? I must’ve thought of something until I did not have any ideas to be poured into a writing.

Of course I faced something.

I liked a guy in my church that was too far away from my reach – as I wrote in my previous posts. And everybody around me somehow kept saying: “Just let him go, because you are far more too precious for a guy like him“. So I asked God: “What was the meaning of all that? Where the world defying back what I wished for just like how my four years ago relationship went. This must be something“.

Well.. I kinda have that kind of sensitivity..

I could not understand until one day God spoke right to me when I was in silence with my guitar: Don’t you be satisfied with the love I have for you? Why should you seek from the others?

Don’t you have that beautiful dream since you were a kid to have a kind of family you never had before?“.

I do, have that dream.

Isn’t it beautiful if you wait for My time?”.

I once wrote a quote and posted it in my Instagram: “What could be more beautiful than finding something when you are not seeking?”. This post I wrote when I was struggling with my moving on process a few months back and tried to seek for a runaway.

I always believe that beautiful things are worth the wait.

I am a writer. I need to live the words I am writing.

I knew that was God because after that night, suddenly I felt this deep feeling of peace. It felt like I was overwhelmed by God’s love, over and over again. I felt like the cup I left it half empty filled by a fresh water and somehow it is now full.

I recalled my love journey for the past one year, how I saw myself as someone who cannot be left alone because the problem is I was afraid of facing myself. But I learned a valuable lessons:

  1. When I thought I would never love somebody like how much I loved my four years ago boyfriend – I was in love with somebody I could never thought I would, and the sacrifices I made were more than I made for my ex, and I learned that the feeling I felt for him was far more beautiful than I felt towards my ex. I learned that you will never feel the same thing towards someone, it will just gets more beautiful.
  2. When I was having my struggles to accept that someone I love left for good, I was (almost) having a relationship with someone I never thought would turn my life – writing and publishing a book that has been delayed for a decade. He had been my inspiration for the work I am passionate about: writing, and I found myself again from the book I finished writing because I realized I defeated my own pain. I learned how to understand, listening, and handle myself and made peace with my own fears and loneliness. I came out not only as a survivor, but also a winner of my own weaknesses.
  3. When I was in the process of moving on, I got the chance to see everything that I had been through were actually God’s love to save me from the life or relationships He does not want me to get into. He loves me too much to see me settling down with someone that does not come from Him. He loves me too much to see me not to be the best of my life. He loves me too much as He is being protective to me.

I learned to accept me and facing my own fears: that even pain and fears are just temporary. But God’s love is endless.

Last night when I and my other three friends in my inner circle were joking around in a Whatsapp Group about how one of us was visiting the place his girlfriend once lived, “I’m just learning her past”, I mocked him – since he always mocks me and I finally get the chance to mock him :p. “Are you jealous, Irene, because you have not gotten the chance to have that kind of opportunity?“, said another one of us.

I replied him back: “No. My time will come”. I can see myself said that sentence confidently.

They all smiled πŸ™‚

Because I believe that God who loves me that much will lead me to be with someone that comes from Him because all He wants for me is just me being the best of me in life.

And I believe on His timing.

Fulfilled. Complete. Secure.Β That’s who I am right now πŸ™‚