Friday “me” time

The night where I promised myself to enjoy my own time was the weekend night where everybody was going out with their beloved ones. I bumped into several acquaintances and they asked me if I was with someone. “No. I’m all by myself”, I answered them confidently just to make them re-confirm whether they hear what they heard. But they heard correctly. 

“Why?”. Did you ask why, my friends? Because this week I was overwhelmed by interacting with lots of people just to fulfill their needs. But i need to be fulfilled for the same reasons as well. But I answered differently.

“Just to enjoy myself”, said I. I could detect their confusions. But that was just me: sometimes I get lonely, but most of the time I need to be detached with the world. 

So I decided to went for a movie (instead of walking around the mall with no purpose). I chose a theater where I spent the beginning with him. Yes, I did revisit the memories, but I didn’t tell anyone. Because it was too hard to explain, that I just wanted to make peace with the places we were spending time in. 

God had given me the chance to see him one more time. From missing him to overflowing with satisfied feelings. I think it should be enough to let him go, forever.

I arrived at the theatre 30 minutes before the movie started. It was awkward seeing myself in front of the mirror with earphones on, while everybody around me had someone to throw a smile at. But I learned again that night: it is okay to be alone as long as you enjoy yourself. 

As long as you make peace with your greatest fear: loneliness.

 As I walked around the corners, I did smile. Because somehow I could see and feel him by my side while in fact I was completely alone. Especially inside a big dark room when the movie was played. He was there, sitting at my right side. Discussing scene after scene. 

I did miss our quality moments 🙂

But do I wish that to be repeated? I did, and perhaps still do: seeing things work with you would be the best adventure ever. But it’s also okay if things don’t work as I hoped for. 

Because I believe this is God who wanted me to settle with the one from Him. He loves me too much. 

I met you again few times these couple days. Not as intensive as the last two weeks. But I realize now that everytime I go somewhere, I’d prefer to avoid you. It was enough, because you are my past now. A part of me that would never come back, a part of me I will always cherish. The first love that happened to me for the very first time in this beloved City.

And although this residual love is still exist somewhere in my heart, I’d rather accepting it as a part of my current life which one day would be faded away.

The movie was not really that great, but I enjoyed being by myself. I no longer be afraid of being alone: loneliness is a decision – whether to feel lonely or whether to recharge your own self by embracing who you really are that sometimes we need space to grow (especially for an introvert like me :p).

Maybe it is good if we were still together, so we can enjoy our weekend together. But maybe it’ll be greater if we were not be together so each of us can learn a valuable lessons for the future.

Categories EN

Will I see you again?

Two weeks. 

Two weeks of constant meetings. I wonder if God is making a joke with me. 

I had my darkest moments after losing him. And in those moments, i craved for his presence. I wished hard to bump into him. I tried to create moments to meet him accidentally, but it was never succeed. I stalked his social media profiles only to find how he is been doing, but i ended up getting hurt because i am not a part of his life anymore. Until i had to asked myself, why i do what i do. Why i seeked him. Why i cried for his absence. Why i missed him so much and our small talks. I didn’t even love him, did i? I just (thought) i cared for him. Until one of my bestfriend came to me and told me: “it’s love, my dear, it is love”.

Shocked, as well as relieved at the same time. Like a caged bird which now free to fly.

I stopped denying the feelings and accepted it. Somehow, it became easier. I mean, the moving on and healing process became easier. Because from where i’ve been, from what i’ve learned, love doesn’t need to own each other. Seeing him from afar fulfills my emptiness. Even if love needs some time to grow, but it is so possible that little love touches the heart in the beginning of the journey. Do you believe that? I believe it now.. 

Is it wrong to love you in such way that no one could understand it?

So i lived my days, my own journey. He is no longer a shadow, but he was a part of me. I chose to embrace his memories in my heart.

Then it started.. When i kept seeing him until the next two weeks. I was overwhelmed as well as confused because i did not understand why he was suddenly everywhere. Though i came in hours where he was not supposed to be there: gym, canteen, office lounge, lift, office lobby. But i realized that my cup was abundantly fulfilled.

On the contrary, the saddest thing is that we were strangers to each other. I could feel the awkwardness when our eyes met. Do i prefer to meet him? Or do i prefer to avoid him? I can’t give the right answer. I just knew i missed him, but i also don’t want to put any of us in a hard position.

So i asked God every night before i go to bed: “will i see him again tomorrow?”.

Will I see you again, my love?

Because every day is always been a mystery for me, why things happen the way they they are. Like why do i have to meet you every day, in every given moments. Was it because we are working in the same office? No. This had never been happened before. Why should it happens now? 

Or maybe it is because i am no longer dwell in your shadow, but accepting the loss not as a failure, but as a room to grow.

But i learned to be grateful, of you. Maybe it is love, and the true one 🙂

Will i see you again? Only God knows.. 

My first own book #101 journey

 Last night I went out with my best friend. At first it was supposed to be a short meeting (or evening coffee), but then it turned out to be a casual dinner with a good, deep, meaningful talk. I handed him one copy of my booklet. The book that talk so much about him.

As I told him (my best friend) the story behind how the book was being written, I can feel the burden that had once existed was already gone.

Burden? How can it be a burden?

Few years ago I was called to write a book. But I did not want to commit. Writing a book means a commitment. I can’t commit to spend long hours of sitting in front of the computer and writing. I ignored the calling God was once tell me years ago.

Then I met him.

When I started a journey with him, I never intended to write anything about him. When I thought the relationship was being serious, unconsciously I wrote things I went through with him. Especially the things I learned about him. I wrote in a bullet points in my personal notes.

And then the relationship just ended.

I was devastated, because I had opened myself. And I chose to love him (although at that point of time, I never realized before that I had loved him in such mysterious way).

I had nowhere else to go and to escape from my own mind, except to write.

As how brokenhearted people would do, they will revisit all the memories that had been formed when the moments were created. So did I. I revisited the chats and the things I wrote about him in my blog as well as in personal notes, and decided to develop it to be a story to be told to the world. Not to embarrass anybody, but I realized that writing is my most effective way of getting healed. I think that is the most beautiful thing an Introvert can give to the world: their emotions through writing.

And I found out that there were so many things I wrote about him, day by day, from the day we started our journey to the day we ended the relationship.

I told some of my closest friends that I am writing a book, about him. Some were saying that it inspired them, while some others laughed at me while saying: “what do you want to achieve from there?”. Well at least I know who can you call a “true friend” – you just need them to embrace your talents.

But what did I want to achieve once the book is finished? I was never intended to give it to him or even letting him know that I am writing something precious called “literature” about him. I just wanted one: to be healed. Because I was so broken and lost my way. Even when my (other) best friend asked me the “what’s next?” question, I barely could answer him.

So this is the journey..

It was a painful journey, of writing the book. I cried, a lot, and can feel the pain went through my bones. Everything in my life seemed to be so blur, and me, the perfectionist and extremely organized individual, got so messed up in arranging things in life: when to sleep, when to wake up, when to exercise, and so many other things. I lost track of time.

I just wanted him to fill my days with small talks and midnight conversations.

Writing a book, you really need to dive into its world. Otherwise, you won’t pour out the emotions you were supposed to share to the readers. But I committed to finish the book. 

There were times when I wrote some part of the stories, I stopped. I stopped because I was shock. I was shock because I didn’t know before that I could be that all out. Putting my best effort to understand him, while I found out that he was not in the same page as me. I was so afraid in facing myself when I wrote that parts. Afraid of myself that got into a shock and turned to feel the pain, the sadness, the sorrows. 

The brokenhearted.

I just wanted to forget.

But I learned that moving on and getting healed is not about how much you forget about your own feelings. It doesn’t have to forgetting the person that hurt you. I don’t have to erase him from my heart, because he was a part of me.

It is about accepting that things are not going as you planned.

I never prepared that this relationship will end at such a short time. I thought it will last at least months if it’s not working, or years if it’s working. 

All the ups and downs I encountered by writing our journey, I finally understand why things couldn’t go as the way it should had. Everything became so clear like crystal, and I embraced his consideration, his decision.

But from the bright side, his presence in my life had brought out the things I had buried for years, and I expressed it in a form of a book. 

You bring changes 🙂

And I should be grateful that I’ve met you, and loving you in such way no one could understand.

Well, I had plans of making this official. Still looking a way to find a publisher. It’s okay. I won’t stop. Won’t stop looking, won’t stop writing. 

Found my passion now…

Greeted you

I’ve got myself a stength to greet you when you was standing 0.5 meters in front of me, while you were not realizing my presence.

You always never be aware of my presence, but i always know you were there – as far as my eyes could see your appearance.

The book i had written about you, had completely done. I had printed it out as a booklet last weekend. I had my ups and downs during the days (or weeks, or months) of writing those detailed stories. Writing about you, about us, hurting me (will write on the details in the next post). But i knew it was my healing process. And after i finished everything, those writings really healed me. 

Why?

Because today, when i bumped into you, i could say your name while i greeted you.

I was alone, walked through the aisle of the canteen. Looked around, and found out that your friends were there. One of them spotted me. But i didn’t understand why he didn’t smile at me though he saw me. 

Then you came along. I can tell it was you even i saw you from your behind.

Why?

Because i knew, and realized, that i had loved you. 

I guess it is one of the most beautiful thing about love that you can tell it is the man you love from his voice, his back, his way of walk, to his breath as well.

As you stood in front of me, not knowing that i was there, i greeted you: “Hey, Mr.J!”, said i tried to be as friendly as possible. But did it come from the heart? Or was i faking? I guess it was, purely coming from the heart.

Why?

Because i had loved you, and perhaps i still do.

Love doesn’t need to be a form of having you by my side. Love just need to be embraced even though you are so far away. 

I thank God for giving me so much love for you. Even though we are no longer “us” 🙂 

side by side

I took some time to ask myself about why do I dwell in our memories lately. I had moved on. I knew I had. I had accepted the fact that we have to go separate ways from the plans we once had put on the top of that table.

You see, the thing about moving on is not about me forgetting you, but it is about me who took the courage to erase your presence from anything that could bring out the turmoil back to the surface.

I preferred to be occupied with the pile of paperwork at work, while I can’t keep my thoughts off of you when I was sitting in front of my laptop.

I wonder why. That’s why I took some time to ask myself.

And then there was that moment, an unexpected one .. where I got inside a lift for an early lunch appointment and it stopped in front of you that was standing firm with your best friend. You. Going for a lunch at an early hour. Always.

I was surprised, so were you. I was surprised, because I did not expect that I could bump into you this close. I thought that mother nature conspires to detach our awareness from each other.

But this was what so hurt so much: that even though we were standing side by side to each other, not a single word was spoken. We were strangers to the world.

As I stepped out the lift, I could not hold myself to run to the restroom before I meet my lunch appointment. To cry.

“Why was it so hurt, to see you eye to eye once more?”.

I knew I had missed you. I miss your presence during the nights, the midnight conversations, your smile during the daylight to enlighten my day, and all those small little talks. I miss you so much..

“Because you loved him so much, and perhaps you still are”, she said as she was the only one whom I told that I bumped into you.

I did not realize before, that I did, and perhaps I still do..

.. love you.

Because love does not need a reason to stay. It just happened.

to feel you

Sometimes when my day is so tough, I need you to be here. I need you to be this close so I can text you anytime and telling you: “I just had a rough moment(s)”. I need you to tell me that everything is going to be alright. I need you to tell me that these too shall pass. I need you to throw a smile at me even tough you draw it on a simple text.

I need to feel you, your presence.

But I knew that when someone become a past, we will present ourselves to the world as strangers. And that hurt like hell.

And if one night I cry like a little kid who lost her parent among the crowd, it is not because I had loved you that much. It is because we are no longer know each other.

We pretend that “us” had never even exist.

How come you become this ignorant? How come I become this cynical? How come we become strangers when there was a time that we filled our days with joy because we were happy once?

I was happy once.

“I tried”, he said as he bowed his head down as a sign he was sorry.

Virgin 70.3 at Sungailiat, Bangka

PROLOG

I remembered what my mentor in Triathlon community I joined told me during our run-date few months back when I asked him whether I will be able to endure long distance Triathlon in Sungailiat, Bangka this April. He said: “it’s not a matter of whether you are able or you will suffer. It’s a matter of whether you can commit to your training schedules”.

I thought I can.

Just before my heart was broken and I got lost in almost everything, including following my proper training schedules.

You see, the thing about brokenhearted is not about laziness, but it’s about losing our self. Suddenly I lost all the things I had planned for the coming months. And I had to rearrange all the things I had in mind before all these. It was too late because the incident happened one and half to two months before the race day.

But I survived.

I had settled my heart and calm my mind two weeks before the race day. But I knew that I lacked of quality training for about three to four weeks. So, again, I isolated myself to gain my inner peace to face the race. I preferred to spend some time for myself, including last few training, not because I did not want to see anybody, but because I had to make peace for myself in facing the greatest obstacle: the mind. Some of my friends were nervous when it was only days approaching to the race day. I was the only one among them who took long distance. But I told them that I am so calm, so peaceful. “I hope this is a good sign”, as I told some of them.

I just wanted to finish the race. No expectation, just be strong enough to finish the course because I knew I lost few weeks of proper and quality training.

THE PREP DAY

One day before the race day, me and the group reached Bangka, setting up few things for tomorrow, the race day. We tried the water, swam few hundred meters to feel the ambiance. Right on that moment, I blended with the ocean. I knew that I would never be afraid of one thing: water. It calms my soul.

But I guessed my day was too tiring. Somehow I can feel my body was drop to almost zero. I just wanted to sleep, I just wanted to rest. The preparation day was too packed. I kept silent for the rest of the evening, telling myself that everything will be alright. “Just remember to aim for the finish line”, I kept remind myself.

THE RACE DAY

Woke up from five hours of sleep, I suffered a medium migraine pain. Took a painkiller, and thank God it worked.

Went to the race venue and made some preparation in the transition area. I could feel the participants were overwhelmed with so much burden of facing the race. And when I was in the long distance transition area, I saw there were lots of pro triathlete will be competing the same course as me. I kept telling myself: you are who you are with your own pace. I did not want to fill myself with the burden from some people who would tease me if I perform under them (who are much older than me).

The Swim – It was fun. I enjoyed the ocean, though many people swam in front of me (and of course faster than me). Swimming was my strength, I thought of finishing the 1.9k distance within 40-45 minutes, but it turned out I finished within 59 minutes. I realized after that the distance was 2.5k – 2.7k (my GPS was error so I could not get the accurate distance, the correct distance based on what I saw from other people’s GPS). Consider I finished 2.5k within 59 minutes, I was satisfied with the result.

So here where all the problems were started..

The Bike – I think I swam too fast (or too excited because I was so enjoying the water – the temp and the feel and the view).

At km 15 > my thighs started to stiff.

At km 20 > my thighs were cramps.

I kept going.. At km 30 > it got worse, I was thinking to stop and DNF at some point soon. But no. I kept going, when I was thinking of my second family in Jakarta, my DATE members, who had prayed for me the night before I flew to Bangka, prayed for my health, prayed for the event to run smoothly, and wishing me a very good luck. I kept going because they were the people who gave me hope when I was at my lowest during the six weeks healing process.

At km 40 > The back pain because of the broken bones dozen years ago, came.

At km 50 > I can’t feel half of my body. I felt the pins and needles on the left side of my body, I did not know why. I never felt this before, even during my longest ride. I was thinking maybe it was because of dehydration attack, it was around 9.30 in the morning and the sun was shining so bright. Like the sun was laughing at me. But while I was thinking when to stop, the distance marker showed I was at km 60. I had finished more than half of the bike distance.

I kept going, and I reached km 70.

I kept going, and I reached km 80.

Just another 10, and I will finish the bike part. But the course was getting harder. Hills after hills, and I could see some long distance participants pushed their bikes and walk. But I chose to keep pedaling even though I would go slow, I did not care. As long as I did not step on the ground.

I reached km 90 and entered the transition area to continue with the run.

I cried few times on the bike, because the cramps were too painful. Every time I passed the water station in every 12k, I poured one water aqua bottle to my body, it was very very very hot I could not stand the dehydration, and the migraine came back. I did not stop, I finished the bike within 3 hours 49 minutes. Not fast. The average speed dropped from 28kpj/h to 23.7kpj/h. But I finished.

The Run – 4 loops of 5k. I was so sure to stop after I finished the first loop. Because I can feel the cramps on both thighs. The course was clearly exposed to the sunlight. At 12.30pm I started run, when the sun at his highest.

At the second loop, I cannot feel both my palms. And they were in pain. Then I realized that they were swollen. I knew, I was dehydrated. No matter how many water I flushed to my body, no matter how many bottles I drank during the run, I was still dehydrated because that was the doctors told me about my body: fluid imbalance. So if my body demands for 2 liters of water per day, I need to add at least one more liter to my daily consumption.

I stopped running on the third loop, until I finally reached the finished line. I kept walking. I can also feel the pain on my lower stomach. I also knew the kidneys were screaming. That was why I did not want to force myself to run. I finished my run within 3 hours 19 minutes, and that was the longest half marathon run I ever had in my life. I finished the whole course under cut of time: 8 hours 23 minutes (of total cut of time 8 hours 30 minutes).

What kept me going, especially when I was so certain to DNF during the run? The people around me.

  1. At the start line, I met a guy (cute one though :p) handed me over his Salonpas spray (for cramps) as he had finished the race (short distance). “Bring this with you, you may need it. And don’t give up!”. I brought the can until it finished at third loops.
  2. Some of my friends passed me by when I was still running, and they shout at me: “Irene, don’t give up! Keep going, you’re almost there” (even though at that time it was still a long way to go).
  3. My roommates and travelmates approached me on my second loop to cheer me up: “Irene, run! So we can get a good shoot at you” (read: photograph). One of them tapped my shoulder while saying: “you can!”.
  4. Two of my friends looked for me with their bikes at my last loop. I cried when I saw them because I was touched. “We looked for you”, they said. And then I told them that it was almost cut of time, I think I will just give up. “At least finish the race as a tribute to two of our friends that did not even started the bike because the marshal closed the first transition area”, one of them informed me. Then I started running, with a very slow pace, chasing the time so I can finish under the cut of time, for two of my girl friends who devastated because they were unintentionally DNF.

Overall, the course was depressing, because mostly you are racing on your own (less people joined the long distance course, compare to the shorter ones).

EPILOG

When you read this, maybe you will conclude that it was a miserable race. Perhaps it was. But perhaps it was not. And if you ask me whether I want to do another 70.3 in the future – the half ironman distance, I would definitely say “yes”. But maybe with a better planning: from months before, weeks before, to one day before the race: drink lots of water (I knew I missed this because of the tight schedule) to “save” the liquid inside of my body. And of course, to avoid any brokenhearted or hurting feelings few months before the race :p

But I did ask God, again, about why He let me experienced something I am so longing for from long time ago. He said: “be patience as you need to be patient with yourself when you are going for a long distance race. Beautiful things dwell in time”. He is right. I kept going by telling myself: “no need to be in a rush, you are with your own pace”. If I feel the pain, I slow down. If I think I can push just a little bit more, I push myself to the limit.

I knew that I have several physical limitations, and I cannot escape from the calcium dependencies. Normally I take calcium once in two days, but two weeks before the race, I took twice in a day. It helped a lot. Not only we need to take care of our nutrition intake, but vitamin intake as well (depends on in which  area you are lacking of ). It did not mean that I was too forcing myself, I knew I still can hold the pain. So I kept going, slowly, but to reach one destination: the finish line.

I thank God I am free from injury. I thank God I finished the race safe. The difficulties I faced during the race turned out because the relapsing hormonal imbalance that affects so badly to all my metabolism. Doctors told me to shorten the distance of my outdoor activities. But I want to be a living proof that if you train your mind and body, anything is possible. But don’t forget to listen to your body as well. Understand your own body, what he/she wants and needs.

No. Never give up. Being an inspiration is not only about standing on the stage, holding a title as a winner, but it is also about not giving up. So, winners are winners, but finishers are also winners.

This race is dedicated for the people around me – who really wish to be as active as me, but they say that they couldn’t, or they are too lazy to start, or they are too difficult to commit at least half an hour everyday, or cannot manage their time well enough – I want to tell you all that nothing is impossible if you believe you can. Nothing is impossible if you are willing to sacrifice your time. Nothing is impossible if you are patient with yourself.

I am a singing writer (three books in progress) who do long distance Tri. If I can, why can’t you?

Train yourself to be dedicated to something that will make you live.

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