EN · Journey of Love · Literature

The vulnerable phase

For the things yet unseen, for the things yet i’ve known, the sun does not shine at his brightest joy, nor the moon lights her beam when darkness filled the night. I wonder if the stars get lonely, even for some of the moments, or even for most of the times. 

Why does the ocean trembling when the wind is trying to blend with its peace? Aren’t they meant for each other? What is the ocean without the wind that blows softly on its surface. Which brings her to her destination, to a purpose. The beauty of life. Or maybe both represent mine. The heart. That longs for the most beautiful thing that could’ve ever happened to her, but doesn’t not belong together. 

The longing is a part of the childhood dreams.. 

That once lost and died for so many years until i can’t even count it anymore.. 

But do dreams truly come true? When the evening knocks and you are out of your conscience, what is truly happening out there? What resides inside of here? Silence has become my friend. Only in it i can hear the loudest voice. It is the voice of everything that brings joy, as well as sorrows. Fighting to each other, to the trophy that placed in the middle of the sacred room. 

Who’s gonna finally win?

Broken wishes. Lost hopes. Flooded by the imagination that was not supposed to be built in the first place. That is the thing. That i live in between my own world and your world, our world. The same world we are living in, you and i. But there is the world that is hidden someplace safe, the one that i only show and bring to selective ones. 

And if you are gonna be one of them, i’ll show you my world. It is beautiful on its own, if you could see it the way i do. 

But the path has ended even before anything started. I no longer have to wait for something to happen right away. I no longer gonna have to wait on you. Maybe the gate is still a long way to reach. But would i even reach it? I’ve got no chance to show you my world, and all that is live in it, and all that has beauty in it, and all that is wonderfully made by joy as well as sorrow that somehow peacefully work together to make strong foundation. 

Can i rest (for a moment)? Or should it’s given up to the grave? But i (think) (i) don’t want to start again anytime soon.. 

Even the grave itself means a new beginning at somewhere we cannot touch, somewhere we, the livings, cannot talk with. 

“The end of something is the beginning of something else.”

But why the end must have been you? And why the beginning must have not been you? 

Shaken up. Heavy lifting. Confused. Lost in the middle of the forest that no one told me before that it’s gonna be just me. Just another phase that i am very aware of, a circle of the vulnerable part of me. 

I promised her before to be by her side. And i will. 

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EN · Journey of Love · Literature

(another) farewell..

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“I remember that day, when I was holding on to a piece of paper, trying to read the lines of notes our vocal coach taught us. Yes. I am a kind of person who loves to sing. Well, my voice is just as an average people who can sing. At least I can hit the pitch. But I love to sing. I sing when I am sad. I sing when I am happy. I sing when I am angry. I sing when I am disappointed. I sing when I am afraid. I sing when I am brave. I sing when I am confuse. I sing when I am in joyful situations as well as sorrowful. I guess music lives in me as a significant part of me.”

“It was a great night. I was meant to walk the pedestrian on. As I entered the practice room, I sat on the corner of the outer side of the aisle, followed the instruction one by one. I was physically there, but actually I was never there. I traveled to my mind palace, think hardly on the trouble I was facing. Tried to find a way how should I settle on that. I was so busy focusing on my thoughts, rather than focusing on what was in front of me: my vocal coach that passionately guided us from notes to notes, bars to bars.”

“Somehow I felt that feeling again: loneliness. Because I did not know to whom should I share the thoughts, discuss.”

“You see, the thing about my loneliness is not about being around by my own, but by not having someone I could trust enough to share about life matters.”

“Minutes before the practice ended, I checked on the phone that was placed on the side of my right thighs. Yeah. I pinned it in the room between the black chair and my right thigh. It had message coming. From a good friend of mine. Asking me whether I want to be introduced to one of his friend. I stared at my phone, did not know what to answer. I put aside my trouble, and went deeper into my mind palace, and drowned to the core of it, and found “the other me”, approached her and asked her whether she is willing to be open for a possibility to fall for love one more time, and taking another risk of getting hurt.”

“Because love will only open your vulnerability, and you have to be ready to take the risk of getting hurt.”

“But I guess there is nothing wrong to try one more time, because love is too precious to be given up to pain. Or fears. So ten minutes later I replied him: “I am open”. I did not have the intention to know who he is, until I meet him, letting it be a mystery until it is time to meet him in person. I reminded him of my first fundamental requirement, and asked him whether the guy he was going to introduce meets that specific requirement. Then he told me who he was.”

“I was surprised that it was you. Never crossed my mind it was gonna be you.”

“I was overwhelmed with confusion, curiosity, and flattered, until the trouble I was so intense to think about, gone. I went home by taking another walk, to gather all the puzzles into one big picture.”

“”Why? Why me?”, that was the only question I could raise under the shade of moon, accompanied by the breath of the evening breeze. Not long after that, my friend continued his text, telling me that the intention of this meeting is gonna  be the journey I am waiting for a long time – or so I thought.”

“There was a slight of thought that filling up the hope that once died. And maybe, just maybe, it could be you. Or at least, the “possibility door” that had been closed will then open for someone like you.”

“For the very first time in my life, I did not expect anything from you, but to meet you, to see you, and to know you, in person.”

“We did not meet until nine days later. Over a light brunch, because you said that brunch would seems to be more casual. Those nine days gave me sufficient time and room to process everything, exploring all the questions that filled my hours. Maybe I was impatient to see you. Not because who you are, but because I was wondering what would you be like as in an individual. Again. It was the curiosity that fed my days. But among those waiting moments to see you, those “felt-so-long” nine days, I could not stop thinking about myself. I often feeling self-doubt, because in times of troubles I do not believe in my own worth. Maybe it was because of my traumatic past experience which still holding me back, and I am still a working in progress to win from that. But your willingness had boosted up my confidence, and changed my perspective. Even though people see me as a confident individual, but have them ever seen deeper than what it’s look? There was something you see in me, and I believe that you are a kind of person that would be selectively choose a kind of people you would like to meet. And if I am one of them, I am so honored to see you.”

“This time, I just want to be my own self, the true me. And even my friend told me to be myself, see him as a good friend of his without focusing on the intention of the meeting was to giving love a chance.”

“The day of the meeting had finally arrived. I reached just on time at the cafe where I used to hang out with my former workmates over a dinner. Met my good friend who had arrived early, sipping a cup of cappuccino, sitting in the middle of the cafe. I chose to sat in front of him, and put my bag on the chair next to me, so you would not have to sit next to me. We talked just a little bit enough, before you arrived. You came from behind me, apologized for your 30 minutes late because of the jam around the area. I spontaneously stood up to welcome you and I mentioned my name to introduce myself while shook your hand. Well, you did not need to mention your name because everybody has already known who you are. I know who you are. All you said that moment just an apologize line.”

“You wore black that morning, at 10.30AM meeting. You know, I always love a guy who wears black. It represents mystery, something that is too hard to crack. I guess I am a type of person that love hard things because they challenge me. You then explained on your late coming. But actually, you did not have to explain anything. You had told us through a good friend of mine, that you were gonna be late. And that’s everything, more than enough. But still, you tried to explain. I respect your thoughtfulness.”

“Then you raised the menu book, to choose what you were going to order. You asked me whether I had already knew what I was going to order. See, the thing about me, I always know what I want before I go to a place. Maybe because I am too classic, all the things I choose will represent how simple I am when it comes to options I had already sorted.”

“A juice, an omelette with a set of toast that later on you did not touch, and a mineral water, that was what you ordered. A latte and an egg benedict, that was I ordered. And still, a cappuccino (and a mineral water in the following) without a set of a breakfast plate my good friend ordered. He, my good friend chose to enjoy a meal from a fast-food restaurant he planned to go during lunch hour. But I was wondering why you did not order any caffeine drinks while both of us were. Are you avoiding caffeine? But I chose to stay silent, although until today, 33 days later, still lingering on the same question.”

“We talked, and talked, and talked. Getting to know each other from the surface. I can see you looked so refreshed that morning. You left all the burdens you carry each day, especially during the weekends’ duty, and chose not to bring it into the meeting. I could see you enjoyed our moments, our conversations. You were cheerful. Your body language showed your excitement. Your eyes were beaming like the night stars. Your voice sounded light. Your moving hands when you tried to explain something looked so firm. You tried to find out who I am while I was still holding myself back because I wanted to see your intention at this very first meeting. And you appreciated our meetings by putting away your phone, the screen facing down the table. And that was I am impressed about you in our first meeting – a quality time – you were really there. Real. Presence. And when there was a message coming after you receive a call, you did not even look it and chose to turn off the screen.”

“I am grateful to be able to see this part of you that many people might would not see it as a part of you.”

“And I never knew before that we have several similarity in our complexity. Looking at things not from its surface, but deeper – there’s a meaning behind what you do what you do or why you enjoy what you enjoy.”

“Three hours meeting, then you had to cut because you had to go on a duty. Three hours meeting, I could not stop thinking how it could felt so fast. Three hours meeting, that led my heart to the decision to consider you as a possibility. Were you enjoying our brunch meeting? Because I was..”

“We parted as the rain was suddenly fall and the sun still shined. Weird weather. And I wondered, will there be another time? Will the possibility becomes true? It was never about liking you, but it was about how comfortable I am to talk with you, someone I can bring in into deep discussions. Someone that is strong enough to understand that uniqueness is not something to be afraid of, but to be cherished. A leader of your own world, so you will be able to lead others’. Someone that is have the capability to know a lot of things about what’s happening around us. Someone that is not going to stay for just an order, but have the courage to challenge anybody why you should do the things you have been told. Brave. And strong. Too good to be true. It was just enough to know who you are on the surface. Then, you waved a goodbye with my good friend, leaving me with a big question ..”

“Will you be opening your own access?”

“Because the truth is I had no idea how this works. I had no idea how things works with an arranged meeting like this. My first.”

“I moved to a continue my writing project at a coffee shop around the area, while slowly compiling all the missing pieces. Gathering all the data I had been collecting after that three hours meeting. Few hours later my good friend called me. He asked me my impression towards you. I did not want to talk with him over a phone call, so I invited him to join me. He came and sat in front of me. “Anything?”, he asked. I did not know where and how to start, but I was able to find the right set of lines. “I don’t know about him, I can’t tell you anything about my feelings, because it is not about feelings, but he is interesting and I am positive”, as I replied his, my good friend’s question.” 

“I tried to guard my heart.”

“You are interesting, and I want to get to know you further.”

“I think three hours meeting would be enough to make this decision – to continue or to end it here.”

“”Good. Because he wants another meeting with you”, he tolled my feedback. But I was wondered why the closeness? I was wondering why don’t you open for a direct communication with me? Were you being too protective to your own? Were you thinking that I am like the other women who would consider this as something more than just a friendship trying to get to know to each other? Were you so afraid that you might hurt me? But I have a tolerance that is as deep as the ocean, as high as the sky, and as wide as the space, so I followed your process.”

“Because I wanted to learn to believe in you.”

“It looked easy at the beginning. But then, it turned to be so difficult..”

“As I went back home after the sun was set, sent by my good friend, I explored myself. I felt a little bit of joy that I could not truly explain. Perhaps it was because finally that set of list was not empty, realizing that there is someone in this world that is so close to the one I am looking for. Or perhaps it was about the excitement of waiting on something. The excitement of waiting to the moment to see you and see how it might move forward. The excitement of  getting the possibility to know you deeper.”

“But even if it does not go anywhere, at least I have to know that we both have tried. We both.”

“The day just went by, the next day came. As I reached the Church, I saw you from afar, talking with few people. Focused. I chose not to greet you to give you some space. I think it would not be wise, because I wanted to show you that I was not in a rush to get to know you. I sat on the service with some of my fellas, including my good friend. Then he said to me that you wanted to see me. On your tight schedule that afternoon. I was surprised that you were willing to squeeze your schedule to see me, even for five minutes. I respect what you did for me. 

“Five minutes. The most precious five minutes I had ever with you, nothing compares to three hours. Because you sacrificed your five minutes time to see me.”

“Some of my fellas followed us, me and my good friend, to see you. He introduced them to you. Of course we did not need anymore. I was wondering, will they, my friends, questioned why we did not shake a single hand that afternoon among the crowds? Ah.. Maybe they would not. They would not notice that. That we actually had met the day before, spent three hours over casual conversations.”

“It’s funny when this arranged introduction was intended to stay hidden”. 

“I entered a silent room for the next nine days. Hanging around between the doubt. Are you the type of person that will fulfill what you had mentioned? My good friend’s statement, that you want to see me one more time, will it be true? I knew I have trust issue. Or maybe because I have not fully recovered. I swallowed my own doubt without discussing with anyone because of the promise I had kept to keep this among us, the three of us. 

“Hey, wait. Did I expecting you that much? Well maybe I did. Or maybe I did not. Maybe it was just the curiosity that fed my wild thoughts. I had been patience for nine days, while patience is the most thing I am lacked of. Maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson here. To wait. On you.”

“Because I wanted to learn to believe in you.”

“After the nine days of waiting, then my good friend texted me and asked my availability schedule for the next eight days. To see you over a dinner. A more intimate moment to get to know each other. Even though it was gonna be the three of us again. I had an agenda, but it was not important. I shifted my initial plan, and put your name in my agenda. To give you a chance and see whether there will be future possibility to move forward.”

“The waiting had never been easy. But while I knew that I am very lacking in waiting, I chose to dwell in the moments of it. To train myself. “

“Because at the end of the waiting, all I’m gonna see is you.”

“What could be more exciting than that? The waiting was tough. Questioning on the purpose of you closing all access of direct communication. But I tried to understand you, and I tried to accept that.”

“Because I wanted to learn to believe in you.”

“Believing in you that you have your own reasons to keep your distance. I have none to discuss about my anxiety. Nor telling my own good friend that introduced me to you. So I prayed every night to God to give me strength to fight all the wild thoughts which filled my good night sleeps. I had trouble sleeping because most of the times I am a kind of person who needs clarification. It was not about insecurity, but because I was so confused. All the whys. So yeah.. I had my ups and down moments during those 17 days of waiting to see you again. But I was willing to go through it, as a sign that I am willing to learn to be more patient.”

“Isn’t it the basic purpose of being in relationship, a place to learn, because you can only develop a character only when you are with someone.”

“I always reminded myself that what I am going to show you is the true form of mine, the original part of me. In the morning of the day I was going to see you, I did not choose what will I wear. I just feel that I was in the mood of wearing a black turtle neck sweater, a jeans, and a brown semi-boots that day. Went through the working hours as normal, but still, my head cannot get off from the thoughts of how will the dinner turn to be.”

“I left the office early as I planned to shop for some groceries. Walked around the mall to kill the time, but I honestly lost an idea how should I spend my hours to wait on you and my good friend to arrive. I thought it would be nice if I already knew the restaurant we were going to have dinner with so I could wait for you there. After an hour of being idle, my good friend called me, and asked where I was. You came with my good friend. Finally it was decided what we were going to have for dinner.”

“Sat at the corner of the restaurant, I chose to rest myself on the sofa as you asked me where did I want to sit. You invited me. I did not know afterwards that you would feel uncomfortable.”

“Ordered the meals, and we began to talk. You started the conversation by asking me where was I from. Office, of course. But somehow you lost the fire I saw in you when we were on a brunch meeting. Maybe it was the night that unraveled your exhaustion. Maybe it was the day that made you hard. Maybe it was the energy that drained to the empty tank. So I asked how was your day at work. I was right when you said that you just went a tough meeting at work. I could see it from your eyes. I saw the dim of light inside your eyes. Your sights were not sparkling as they were before. It’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself.”

“We just need to survive the night.”

“You lost excitement, but I, a kind of person who is very reserved, tried so hard to bring out conversations after conversations so you would not need to fill in too hard. I tried to enlighten your burdens by find out your interests and discuss them. I released all my energies so maybe, just maybe, you would a little bit cheered up. I did not what else to do because I understand that we haven’t been in the stage where you could share things with me, and I am to you. All I can do is just made your day. And I hoped that it might.”

“At least I had tried to ease up your burden. I had tried ..”

“Or was it you losing your interest to meet me?”

“If it was, tell me, tell me and I will back away from your life.”

“The dinner went by for another three hours, until the waitress had to cut us to inform us that they were entering a “last order” moment. You decided to get a bill and close the meeting because the night had gone late, and we all still got to work on the next day.”

“Let’s take a rest.. I think you really need that..”

“The three of us walked downstairs on an escalator, side by side for the next five floors down. I continuously threw myself questions every time the three of us step at each moving escalators: “What’s next? Will there be a next time? Or will this be the end of our meetings?”.

“Will we part as our journey would end here?”

“Or would this goes somewhere?”

“We parted at the ground level. Another waving hand and “I’ll see you” line you threw under the bright light of the shopping mall we visited. You were not being open. Again. I guess it meant something.”

“I knew I had to take a walk. To think everything through. I decided to take a bus to get home so I could have all the moments with myself.”

“I knew that I was going to cry. And I knew that I had to deal with myself. Giving myself a time to feel and think everything.”

“So I firmly told my good friend that I think it’s about time to be open to myself if you truly willing to get to know me deeper, further. Because relationship is intended to be you and me, both of us, involving two people in the same “battle” room.”

“It was never about what I felt about you. But maybe, just maybe, that night, I could finally see the other side of you that interest me. The moments went by me asking a lot of questions to know, and understand you deeper. Even though you did not show any eagerness to balance my position, I tried to understand that maybe that night was not your night. You were there, but I can see you were not really there. Distracted. Vulnerable. I got the chance to see another (fragile) part of you.”

“I am a kind of individual who easily fall into small little things that perhaps other people would not see that as something that is to precious to be embraced. But unfortunately, I care.”

“I knew the cry that night was meant for something. Because then you left me for another 13 days in silence, hanging around on the field of uncertainty between “yes” and “maybe”, until finally I heard your decision ..”

“.. to step away from the path and put it into an end. I would not see you again..”

“Even if it is a “no”, tell me, tell me from the beginning, and I will back away from your life.”

“Your waving hand that night was a sign that your heart is going to depart. Your faded cheerful face that night was a sign that I would not see your smile anymore. Your long breath during the pause when we talk was a sign that I would not be hearing your deep voice anytime soon. Your silence was a sign that I would not be getting any questions regarding I-want-to-get-to-know-you again. And your existence would blend with the wind that blows over my skin. You will be another story passed that I could not tell the world because everything we had been through would stay buried.”

“I thought, I finally found someone I am longing to have.”

“But I promised God that this is not about me. But it is about you. I did not pray to give me what is best for myself. But I prayed for God to provide the best for you. Maybe that is the most precious thing I learned by knowing you for such a short time. To think of other’s rather than being self-centered, and made me realize that I am able to love a person this much.”

“Farewell, boy.. And maybe, just maybe, we will see each other if the universe conspired for us to bump into each other someplace.”

“But even if it is not, I am grateful to be chosen as someone you were selectively willing to meet (and get to know from the surface).”

“And thank you, for letting me understand (not only knowing) a little bit of you :)”

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

The weeping candle

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She lighted a candle that night, as a part that she was grieving. A night where she had her heart shattered into pieces. One more time. For the love that just passed. For the hope that once rose. For the dream that will be fulfilled (or at least she thought it was). For the longing howl that will continue to resound. Grief. And sorrow. She just wanted to be alone in the dark.

Every time she weeps, she always light a candle to accompany her to sleep.

Because the truth is, she is afraid to be alone. And she hopes that the light from the candle she lit would be the best silence companionship.

No wonder that since she suffered from a severe brokenhearted four years ago, she never stop listening to a music containing the lyrics of her heart. As she always does every single night since then.

If other people would choose to spend their sorrowful time with their beloved ones, she chooses to be among silence, withdrawing from the outer world to find her inner peace. Processing everything. Understanding everything. Accept anything. Gather all the broken pieces and slowly put everything together on the place where it should be.

Give her some time, and space, when she needs to be by herself. And when she gets back, welcome her with the warmth she needs. With lots of hugs and kisses.

The truth is that she actually never leaves even she seems far away when she is grieving.

Just give her some time to recover.

As she took off from the office she is working, she still wet with the falling tears. I think the Angels above knew how much she was overwhelmed with mixed feelings: sadness, hopeless, disappointments, brokenness. The rain suddenly fell down so hard, until she decided not to run through it or she would end up home getting soaked …

… while she desperately need to take the walk.

That Walk …

The Angels were crying with her that afternoon..

Just a little while, when the raindrops were falling touching the ground, given a little impression of a mild feeling, so the wind may blow softly and whisper her: “We are with you”.

We. The nature, and everything in it, is with you, girl..

The afternoon walk she took, was the shortest journey. The groceries she did, was the fastest one. She almost took a wrong turn when she walked towards the aisle of her home street. She almost hurt her fingers when she held the groceries bags. Her eyes were covered with a blur sight behind her glasses – the one she always wears every time she is crying so nobody would not see her swollen eyes.

Because her mind was filled by so many thoughts about him that she cannot control, she was not even realize that she was actually walking and holding something. Literally.

“You won’t be someone who would fill my waiting hours anymore”. She realized that she loves waiting for him, waiting the day she’s finally gonna see him.

It is the letting go moment that she needs to go through, the one that she hated so much, because she thought the love she is going to welcome, left before everything even starts.

It is the pain, and fear, and disappointment that revisited her again before everything she experienced a few months ago had completely healed from her heart.

It is the person she thought she finally has found, but God had turned her to another path.

She knew herself is too much to handle. She knew that he would be the one strong enough to handle her. The depth. The complexity. The wild thoughts.

The one who would embrace them, her uniqueness..

She doubt herself if she would find someone who is strong enough to balance her. That is how she would tell the world that she needs someone who has that kind of strength of characters, but not limited to be gentle enough to understand her emotions, her feelings.

But who is she to question God?

Maybe she just need time.. A time to accept that this world is so unfair, the decision to love or not to love is too unfair for her if it should end before anyone even trying in the first place. A time to process her emotions and rearrange them into the bookshelf that have been fall several times, but somehow manage to stand firm again.

And when everything has been clearer, then she can decide how is she gonna deal with love, the only beautiful thing that could happen in her life.

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Faded

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She still remembers the night when her girl-friend told her about him. She was out with one of her inner circle. There was two other girl-friends and one boy-friend sitting in front of her over a dinner. She listened carefully of her girl-friend passionate story of him, the guy who was never become her consideration. Until a month ago. Yes. Exactly a month ago when she met him for the first time and got to know a little bit of him, but understand a little bit more of him over time.

One month is enough time for her to understand a little bit about him, on the surface.

Understand. Not only knowing.

When she listened to her girl-friend story of how her girl-friend and he met among bunch of friends inside of a room where all people in duty would gather, how their sets of eyes met each other, how they looked at each other, she was thinking that maybe this girl falls in love with him. Crazy in love with him.

“I would trade my life to be his”, said she, her girl-friend.

She looked at her girl-friend blankly, knowing that she did not know anything about him. She was very aware of his existence, but she did not know about him at all.

But now she knows..

“Is he that charming?”, asked her to her girl-friend, realizing that she was never met him. At all. Or even hearing him speak as many ladies had heard him speak.

“What kind of girl are you dare to not know him?”, asked her girl-friend. She raised her shoulders and smiled.

A kind of girl who forgot how to love.

But that was a year ago, when she decided to give up on love, when she thought that love is just too tough for her to handle, when she thought that love is too painful to be felt, when she thought that she would never find love anymore.

And then not long before the year end, she met love, an impossible one, and learned to love again, wholeheartedly without the desire to hold the person she loved – all she did is to love him without any expectation to be loved back.

Her eyes were opened, and she decided to love again.

Because love is just too precious to be given up to pain.

Every single night she prayed to God to give her the kind of person that is worth of loving. She doesn’t mind if the guy would be too much to handle, but she knows her strengths, that she would be standing by his side no matter how tough hardships would cross the journey.

She has a heart of a warrior, who would go on a battle until the last drop of blood coming out from her body. But how if it is the heart that is going to be sacrificed to go on a battle? How if it is too painful to step?

How if it is too painful to wait?

Then she recalled her journey when she was in a relationship that was not going anywhere that broke her heart so badly a few months ago. She recalled the moments when she was left in silence, wondering whether things would keep going as she wished to be, or end in drama. But he, the one she once loved, left her with the broken pieces of her heart.

It was too much pain.

As she revisited the memories, she could not stop crying. There has been to many tears have fallen for some guys. Is it natural? Or is it just her? Everything seems to be so blurry on her eyes right now.

Or maybe it is the tears that covered her sight.

“There are times that the only thing we can do is nothing” – Soegija.

Waiting. In silence.

But if nothing today means something in the future, she is willing to go through it.

As the day goes by, and her lips are sealed because she feels that she is at her lowest for the past couple days, she begins to wonder, will she meets him as her girl-friend regularly met him inside of that particular room, which gather everyone from various backgrounds to chat. But she hates finding herself to go on every single events with her thoughts wondering whether she would bump into him or would the only thing she feels is his breath trails.

It is her first day out with coffee and tea restrictions because she suffers from a specific illness, she feels like something significant is missing from her life. Maybe it is hope that is missing from her life. Or maybe it is her dream that slowly fade. Or maybe it is she that is trying so hard to kill her imaginative world that keeps her alive. Something, or someone, that could break the routines she is so bored to be in it.

And maybe, the thing about longing for something that falls on her grip is because she longs to lean her heart on the person that is meant to have her heart – when “finally I’ve found someone” becomes final, but the beginning of another chapter of her life.

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Timing

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She walked through the night with her small steps. Followed by mixed feelings after she met with her good friend, the one who introduced him to her. They had a short talk that night. And she requested him, her good friend, of something about him, the guy who has occupied her mind for the past few weeks.

For days she was confused by what she should be done to him. But she understood that there was nothing to be done on her side. Troubled by uncertainty she is facing, day after day, she can only befriend with her silence. She does not have anyone to talk to.

There were moments when she was at her lowest, she gave up her energies to her emotions. But there were other moments when the stronger her stands up for her, she went through the day by carrying back home her smile in her navy colored jacket pocket.

The only thing she knew that she just needs to survive for a day. And if tomorrow the sun is hiding behind the white clouds, she only need to survive for another day, and then another day, and then one more day, one more again, until God have mercy on her to reveal the mystery of his heart.

Maybe that very first morning, the reason why he wore black when she met him for the first time, was a sign that he will be a mystery for her. Or for anyone that know him well. Someone that is too far to reach, or too difficult to deal with.

Is he?

That is why she will always falls in love with black, because she is the kind of person who falls in love with complexity.

There is no such thing being too difficult if it’s come to love, because love is worth fighting for.

She held tight several options on her right hand. Looking at them while burst in tears. Because she was too scared to choose, whether anything she would choose will be the best one for her life. She was too scared to choose, because she does not want to make a wrong decision and having another detour in her life. She hates when it comes to choose.

But she’s gonna have to choose.

Her day was filled with her closing both eyes and drowned into her dream world. Bringing those options while asking around the neighborhood: “If you were me, which you would choose?”. Illness always pushed her to her limit. Exhausted. Drained. Sorrows had visited her heart.

Every time she opened her eyes, she covered both of her eyes with her arms before she lifts her body to wake up.

The tears just never stop on her.

It was after the sun was set, she stepped her first out for a regular Thursday meeting with some of her fellas, while still influenced by some medications of her illness she took for the rest of the day.

“Why it felt so heavy?”, she asked to herself wondering why everything she saw seems so floated. Dizziness because of her illness? Or energy drained because she was covered by her sorrows?

She had decided which decision she is going to live.

But still doubting herself whether it was the wisest one – she was no longer seek for the wrong and right.

The night went well and she was finally cheered up by her companions. Hugs, and kisses, and cares, came to her relentlessly than usual from her surroundings. She knew it was God who made them to. And ready to convince herself to take that decision, take any risks because all she wants is just a long-life happiness to live with someone she is going to choose to be with.

And if he is going to be the one, she wishes nothing other than his long-life happiness as well.

“I”m going to wait for him”, she said that to him, her good friend, under the dim of street lamps. It was a little bit dark, but she can still see him clearly driving on her right side, looking at her with a grin on his face. “But open for another opportunity that might cross the road“, she continued.

He, her good friend, smiled as she alights from his car. The kind of smile that you would see on a person that is proud enough to know you.

She once wrote something that she knew she needs to live those words: “If something is for you, no matter how hard the path might be, there will always be an easy way to reach it”.

If you are for me, and if I am for you, there will be nothing in this world would interfere our path to cross together.

Because your timing is not my timing, and my timing is not your timing, and God’s timing is not our timing. If it is only a matter of time, all I can do for you is to give you all the space and time you need to figure out everything.

All I can do is to be patiently wait.

IN · Journey of Love · Life Lesson · Literature

Terbaik


Kutemukan dirinya terduduk di kursi penumpang, merenungi lalu lintas sekitar yang tidak biasanya sudah dipadati oleh mobil-mobil yang mengantri di jalur yang dilewatinya. Waktu menunjukan pukul tiga sore. Keberadaannya ketika orang lain sedang duduk bekerja di depan komputer masing-masing, disebabkan oleh karena dirinya sengaja mengambil setengah hari cuti untuk berurusan dengan persiapan keberangkatannya ke bandara dua hari ke depan. Udara di luar terlampau terik. Sehingga mobil yang dikendarainya memasang suhu AC paling rendah.

Terasa sejuk. Tidak dirasakannya dingin yang biasanya dia rasakan ketika tubuhnya diterpa angin AC.

Kepalanya disandarkannya ke sandaran kursi penumpang. Dengan tujuan mengistirahatkan tubuhnya yang kelelahan. Dan berat matanya yang diserang rasa kantuk. Berkedip semakin perlahan. Hampir saja dirinya terbuai untuk tertidur. Menyadari tidak lama lagi dia akan tiba di tempat tujuan, dia memilih untuk mengusap kedua matanya agar otot-otot yang telah lemas itu bisa terbangun kembali.

“Selelah ini aku. Bisakah aku menyelesaikan pertandingan jarak jauh tersebut?”, ujarnya ragu dalam hati. Dia sudah tahu bahwa hatinya tidak lagi terpanggil untuk menjadi seambisius sebelumnya.

Karena daya imajinasinya yang kuat, aku temukan dirinya dengan tatapan kosongnya memandang daun-daun di pohon yang berdansa tertiup angin. Saat itu pun aku mengerti, seberapa dalam dia sedang membawa dirinya berpindah ke sisi dunia lain miliknya.

Tiga hari. Tiga hari berturut-turut dia menuju ke kawasan yang sama. Ke tempat dimana dirinya pernah dikuasai oleh rasa penasaran terhadap bagaimana malamnya akan dihabiskan, ke tempat dimana malamnya kemudian telah menjadi kenangan karena hari tersebut telah berlalu. Menggantung..

Kenangan? Akankah semuanya itu hanya sebatas kenangan belaka?

Atau sebuah permulaan?

Malam ketika seorang teman yang baik menghampirinya dengan sebuah pertanyaan jika dia siap untuk membuka diri lagi kepada seseorang, malam ketika dirinya terpaku memandang layar telefon genggamnya karena terjepit diantara harapannya dan ketakutannya, merupakan malam dimana sesungguhnya dia tahu bahwa akan ada resiko untuknya berhadapan dengan sisi gelap dirinya yang dia takuti. Tapi dia sudah memutuskan untuk berhadapan dengan resiko tersebut daripada harus kehilangan kesempatan untuk melihat pemenuhan impiannya.

Sebagaimana dia mencintai hentakan kakinya ketika bersentuhan dengan aspal, dia memilih untuk menempuh jalan panjang untuknya berbincang dengan sahabatnya: malam.

Karena dia tahu bahwa dia harus berhadapan dengan dirinya sendiri.

Jika ada tangis terjatuh membasahi kedua pipinya, adalah dirinya yang merasa lelah merasakan apa yang dia rasakan malam itu. Ketakutan. Karena pada dasarnya semua orang memiliki ketakutannya masing-masing.

Pada dasarnya semua orang terlalu takut untuk membuka kerentanannya.

Dan jika ada masa dimana untuk menjadi rentan adalah sebuah keputusan, mungkin memang itu lah yang harus dia berikan kepadanya, sebagai caranya menyampaikan bahwa dirinya bukan wanita pada umumnya. Bahwa tidak ada yang perlu ditakuti oleh siapa pun tentang dirinya, karena dirinya yang penakut, telah dibebaskan melalui proses perjalanannya meraih impiannya untuk mencintai.

Waktu. Dan jarak. Selama apa pun waktu, sejauh apa pun jarak, dirinya tidak dibentuk untuk menjadi seorang penyabar. Jika aku mendapatkan sosoknya yang bertahan dalam kesunyian ruang waktu, semua hanya karena dilandaskan dari kekuatan hatinya untuk mendapatkan yang terbaik …

… mendapatkan yang terbaik bukan untuk dirinya sendiri, melainkan untuk dia yang sedang menjadi pertimbangan hatinya.

“Bukan lagi untuk aku berdoa mendapatkan yang terbaik untukku. Tapi aku berdoa agar kamu mendapatkan yang terbaik untukmu”, ujarnya dalam doa tertulusnya yang dilantunkan dari bawah sinar lampu kuning yang menyorot tubuhnya dalam sebuah nyanyian. “Dan jika bukan aku orangnya, akan disediakan yang terbaik baginya. Juga sebaliknya”, lanjutnya.

Bukankah hal terindah dalam hidup adalah ketika kita memikirkan orang lain jauh daripada diri kita sendiri?

A complete recovery from pain is to pray for recovery for others.

So, girl .. take your time as he takes his time.

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Looking forward

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-13 at 8.41.18 PM

Her weekends were packed. With monthly regular agenda to starts her first day of the weekend, she realized that she had not enough sleep for the past two days. But for the love of running, she decided to take a short run around her house. Juuusssttt a short one, because she always believes that running pumps her energy up. She would not feel that exhausting even though she had tight schedules. And she will not feel that cranky as well because of the lack of sleep.

Yeah. She feels too much.

And whenever she feels the mood is going low, she goes for a run. It always refreshes her.

Don’t forbid her, okay? She needs that..

The sun was at the highest where she went for a simple lunch with the team nearby. She was confused of what should she does afterwards. Planned to continue her work somewhere, but somehow she felt too lazy to do it alone.

She longed for someone’s presence, even though she could not speak too much because of her introversion. But she just knew that she wished to be accompanied.

Presence. That’s all she needed.

A friend raised her voice and asker her during the lunch, “Where do you want to go next after this? Care to join me to accompany me finishing my work?”. Without further thinking, she accepted her offer.

“Are you willing to wait for me while I get my laptop and meet you at the cafe?”, she answered her.

“Sure”.

She rushed back home to get her laptop. With a quick preparation, she went out to see where she was going to meet her friend at one of the mall between central and south area. While reaching her phone she put at the back of her jeans pocket, she found out that her friend had reach the place.

“Take your time. Let me get my lunch first, then we can go to the coffee shop to work”, said she on the text.

That was the place where she is going to see him for the next three days. Why it feels so long? Why she has this kind of curiosity that difficult for her to manage?

But she realized: it is something that she looks forward to.

She arrived at the restaurant her friend was having lunch at, talked for few minutes. And she just knew that this friend, is the best person to discuss something that she needed to talk for the past week. This friend is a trustworthy individual.

It took her a long time to be open with someone, because trust has been her personal issue.

Do you wonder why her friend joined her for the lunch but then she still having lunch at another place? Well, her friend did not have lunch together with the team. She wanted to eat a proper meal. There she was, meeting her friend at a restaurant that serves variety healthy menus on the plate.

The talk, was too deep, to the depth where she could not stop thinking what her friend had been saying.

“Just remember your values”, said she, her friend, before they left to the coffee shop where they planned to work. It was a great four hours companionship with her, with less talking, but she felt her presence in front of her.

They parted as the sun began to set.

And suddenly the fears revisited her mind for the rest of the night, making her had difficulties to get a quality sleep she desperately needed.

She closed her eyes, but she was never truly sleeps.

The room’s darkness had somehow brought her spirit to another world. Awake.

Since she needed to stay put for the rest of half day to be cheerful and hyperactive on the stage, in front of thousands people, she knew it’s going to be a tiring day. But she managed to fills herself with so much energies. Without being cranky. Without being too quiet. But being the best version of her.

As she walked down the lobby, racing with time, there was a glance of thought that she threw to herself. “Will I see him today?”. Will she bump into him like she bumped into him two weeks ago when she decided to walk pass by him without him noticing?

She recalled when she wished to meet someone she adored from afar few months back, and life was giving her the chance to bump into him. God listened her whispering heart. That’s where she realized that even a small and simple thing, God always listens.

And of course. She bumped into him. Which made her surprised that such a simple wish would be granted.

Could that mean something?

As she saw him from afar, binded between the decision to greet or not to greet, “But I think it would be polite if I just say a quick ‘HI’ to him even though we did not plan to meet”, she decided to: let’s just give it a shot, if there is a chance, she’ll greet him.

With her small steps, she called him because there was the chance .. the chance where he turned around and almost crash into each other, but she made her way out of him, and just said that quick line.

And he replied.

She never knew until this moment, whether he realized that it was her that called him.

Few hours later, she saw him again, without him noticing her and somehow she did not have any intention to greet him again even though he was sitting next to where she was sitting. As he departed, and the only thing she did just following his trail, leaving the place while looking at his phone.

I think that’s the thing about someone whom love language is “quality time”. Even if she does not have the chance to spend some time with someone she picks to be with, seeing his form would be enough. Fills her energies. Recharges her exhausting spirit.

“I do not why this time is different. There is no so much eagerness to reach him. But all I wish for is to everything to go with how it should be gone. And be patient. Let only time tells what should be happened”, she said that to herself.

She did well enough to finish her responsibility for eight hours straight. But still got the chance to give her time to meet her closest friends who called her to join them. Spent the moments quiet, observing and listening to each others’ conversations, her energies’ tank had emptied out. But presence, she needed someone’s presence.

Few hours later, when she was going back home, her bestfriend texted her, asked for her time for a quick dinner.

“I’d love to, but I am so exhausted”, she replied him, her bestfriend. But she knew, she had to make time. And he knew, he needed her for some advice. So he decided to gave her the best option they could have ever had to meet in the middle.

He pick her up, and talked along the journey of sending her home. Turned out that the half an hour meeting – a super quick one – gave her some kind of releasing as well. She would call it: a blessing in disguise. Hearing herself telling him advice as a reminder for herself that love takes time to grow, so don’t rush love.

When you make time for someone, life gives you something back in return.

That’s how the “economy-cycle” in love works.

At least she knew tonight, that she will have a good night sleep.

Gotta be ready for the next super-packed week, girl! Be ready to how life is going to surprise you – your one and only wish for this year.

And something that you look forward to. Right? 🙂