IN · Journey of Love · Life Lesson · Literature

Terbaik


Kutemukan dirinya terduduk di kursi penumpang, merenungi lalu lintas sekitar yang tidak biasanya sudah dipadati oleh mobil-mobil yang mengantri di jalur yang dilewatinya. Waktu menunjukan pukul tiga sore. Keberadaannya ketika orang lain sedang duduk bekerja di depan komputer masing-masing, disebabkan oleh karena dirinya sengaja mengambil setengah hari cuti untuk berurusan dengan persiapan keberangkatannya ke bandara dua hari ke depan. Udara di luar terlampau terik. Sehingga mobil yang dikendarainya memasang suhu AC paling rendah.

Terasa sejuk. Tidak dirasakannya dingin yang biasanya dia rasakan ketika tubuhnya diterpa angin AC.

Kepalanya disandarkannya ke sandaran kursi penumpang. Dengan tujuan mengistirahatkan tubuhnya yang kelelahan. Dan berat matanya yang diserang rasa kantuk. Berkedip semakin perlahan. Hampir saja dirinya terbuai untuk tertidur. Menyadari tidak lama lagi dia akan tiba di tempat tujuan, dia memilih untuk mengusap kedua matanya agar otot-otot yang telah lemas itu bisa terbangun kembali.

"Selelah ini aku. Bisakah aku menyelesaikan pertandingan jarak jauh tersebut?", ujarnya ragu dalam hati. Dia sudah tahu bahwa hatinya tidak lagi terpanggil untuk menjadi seambisius sebelumnya.

Karena daya imajinasinya yang kuat, aku temukan dirinya dengan tatapan kosongnya memandang daun-daun di pohon yang berdansa tertiup angin. Saat itu pun aku mengerti, seberapa dalam dia sedang membawa dirinya berpindah ke sisi dunia lain miliknya.

Tiga hari. Tiga hari berturut-turut dia menuju ke kawasan yang sama. Ke tempat dimana dirinya pernah dikuasai oleh rasa penasaran terhadap bagaimana malamnya akan dihabiskan, ke tempat dimana malamnya kemudian telah menjadi kenangan karena hari tersebut telah berlalu. Menggantung..

Kenangan? Akankah semuanya itu hanya sebatas kenangan belaka?

Atau sebuah permulaan?

Malam ketika seorang sahabatnya menghampirinya dengan sebuah pertanyaan jika dia siap untuk membuka diri lagi kepada seseorang, malam ketika dirinya terpaku memandang layar telefon genggamnya karena terjepit diantara harapannya dan ketakutannya, merupakan malam dimana sesungguhnya dia tahu bahwa akan ada resiko untuknya berhadapan dengan sisi gelap dirinya yang dia takuti. Tapi dia sudah memutuskan untuk berhadapan dengan resiko tersebut daripada harus kehilangan kesempatan untuk melihat pemenuhan impiannya.

Sebagaimana dia mencintai hentakan kakinya ketika bersentuhan dengan aspal, dia memilih untuk menempuh jalan panjang untuknya berbincang dengan sahabatnya: malam.

Karena dia tahu bahwa dia harus berhadapan dengan dirinya sendiri.

Jika ada tangis terjatuh membasahi kedua pipinya, adalah dirinya yang merasa lelah merasakan apa yang dia rasakan malam itu. Ketakutan. Karena pada dasarnya semua orang memiliki ketakutannya masing-masing.

Pada dasarnya semua orang terlalu takut untuk membuka kerentanannya.

Dan jika ada masa dimana untuk menjadi rentan adalah sebuah keputusan, mungkin memang itu lah yang harus dia berikan kepadanya, sebagai caranya menyampaikan bahwa dirinya bukan wanita pada umumnya. Bahwa tidak ada yang perlu ditakuti oleh siapa pun tentang dirinya, karena dirinya yang penakut, telah dibebaskan melalui proses perjalanannya meraih impiannya untuk mencintai.

Waktu. Dan jarak. Selama apa pun waktu, sejauh apa pun jarak, dirinya tidak dibentuk untuk menjadi seorang penyabar. Jika aku mendapatkan sosoknya yang bertahan dalam kesunyian ruang waktu, semua hanya karena dilandaskan dari kekuatan hatinya untuk mendapatkan yang terbaik …

… mendapatkan yang terbaik bukan untuk dirinya sendiri, melainkan untuk dia yang sedang menjadi pertimbangan hatinya.

"Bukan lagi untuk aku berdoa mendapatkan yang terbaik untukku. Tapi aku berdoa agar kamu mendapatkan yang terbaik untukmu", ujarnya dalam doa tertulusnya yang dilantunkan dari bawah sinar lampu kuning yang menyorot tubuhnya dalam sebuah nyanyian. "Dan jika bukan aku orangnya, akan disediakan yang terbaik baginya. Juga sebaliknya", lanjutnya.

Bukankah hal terindah dalam hidup adalah ketika kita memikirkan orang lain jauh daripada diri kita sendiri?

A complete recovery from pain is to pray for recovery for others.

So, girl .. take your time as he takes his time.

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Looking forward

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Her weekends were packed. With monthly regular agenda to starts her first day of the weekend, she realized that she had not enough sleep for the past two days. But for the love of running, she decided to take a short run around her house. Juuusssttt a short one, because she always believes that running pumps her energy up. She would not feel that exhausting even though she had tight schedules. And she will not feel that cranky as well because of the lack of sleep.

Yeah. She feels too much.

And whenever she feels the mood is going low, she goes for a run. It always refreshes her.

Don’t forbid her, okay? She needs that..

The sun was at the highest where she went for a simple lunch with the team nearby. She was confused of what should she does afterwards. Planned to continue her work somewhere, but somehow she felt too lazy to do it alone.

She longed for someone’s presence, even though she could not speak too much because of her introversion. But she just knew that she wished to be accompanied.

Presence. That’s all she needed.

A friend raised her voice and asker her during the lunch, “Where do you want to go next after this? Care to join me to accompany me finishing my work?”. Without further thinking, she accepted her offer.

“Are you willing to wait for me while I get my laptop and meet you at the cafe?”, she answered her.

“Sure”.

She rushed back home to get her laptop. With a quick preparation, she went out to see where she was going to meet her friend at one of the mall between central and south area. While reaching her phone she put at the back of her jeans pocket, she found out that her friend had reach the place.

“Take your time. Let me get my lunch first, then we can go to the coffee shop to work”, said she on the text.

That was the place where she is going to see him for the next three days. Why it feels so long? Why she has this kind of curiosity that difficult for her to manage?

But she realized: it is something that she looks forward to.

She arrived at the restaurant her friend was having lunch at, talked for few minutes. And she just knew that this friend, is the best person to discuss something that she needed to talk for the past week. This friend is a trustworthy individual.

It took her a long time to be open with someone, because trust has been her personal issue.

Do you wonder why her friend joined her for the lunch but then she still having lunch at another place? Well, her friend did not have lunch together with the team. She wanted to eat a proper meal. There she was, meeting her friend at a restaurant that serves variety healthy menus on the plate.

The talk, was too deep, to the depth where she could not stop thinking what her friend had been saying.

“Just remember your values”, said she, her friend, before they left to the coffee shop where they planned to work. It was a great four hours companionship with her, with less talking, but she felt her presence in front of her.

They parted as the sun began to set.

And suddenly the fears revisited her mind for the rest of the night, making her had difficulties to get a quality sleep she desperately needed.

She closed her eyes, but she was never truly sleeps.

The room’s darkness had somehow brought her spirit to another world. Awake.

Since she needed to stay put for the rest of half day to be cheerful and hyperactive on the stage, in front of thousands people, she knew it’s going to be a tiring day. But she managed to fills herself with so much energies. Without being cranky. Without being too quiet. But being the best version of her.

As she walked down the lobby, racing with time, there was a glance of thought that she threw to herself. “Will I see him today?”. Will she bump into him like she bumped into him two weeks ago when she decided to walk pass by him without him noticing?

She recalled when she wished to meet someone she adored from afar few months back, and life was giving her the chance to bump into him. God listened her whispering heart. That’s where she realized that even a small and simple thing, God always listens.

And of course. She bumped into him. Which made her surprised that such a simple wish would be granted.

Could that mean something?

As she saw him from afar, binded between the decision to greet or not to greet, “But I think it would be polite if I just say a quick ‘HI’ to him even though we did not plan to meet”, she decided to: let’s just give it a shot, if there is a chance, she’ll greet him.

With her small steps, she called him because there was the chance .. the chance where he turned around and almost crash into each other, but she made her way out of him, and just said that quick line.

And he replied.

She never knew until this moment, whether he realized that it was her that called him.

Few hours later, she saw him again, without him noticing her and somehow she did not have any intention to greet him again even though he was sitting next to where she was sitting. As he departed, and the only thing she did just following his trail, leaving the place while looking at his phone.

I think that’s the thing about someone whom love language is “quality time”. Even if she does not have the chance to spend some time with someone she picks to be with, seeing his form would be enough. Fills her energies. Recharges her exhausting spirit.

“I do not why this time is different. There is no so much eagerness to reach him. But all I wish for is to everything to go with how it should be gone. And be patient. Let only time tells what should be happened”, she said that to herself.

She did well enough to finish her responsibility for eight hours straight. But still got the chance to give her time to meet her closest friends who called her to join them. Spent the moments quiet, observing and listening to each others’ conversations, her energies’ tank had emptied out. But presence, she needed someone’s presence.

Few hours later, when she was going back home, her bestfriend texted her, asked for her time for a quick dinner.

“I’d love to, but I am so exhausted”, she replied him, her bestfriend. But she knew, she had to make time. And he knew, he needed her for some advice. So he decided to gave her the best option they could have ever had to meet in the middle.

He pick her up, and talked along the journey of sending her home. Turned out that the half an hour meeting – a super quick one – gave her some kind of releasing as well. She would call it: a blessing in disguise. Hearing herself telling him advice as a reminder for herself that love takes time to grow, so don’t rush love.

When you make time for someone, life gives you something back in return.

That’s how the “economy-cycle” in love works.

At least she knew tonight, that she will have a good night sleep.

Gotta be ready for the next super-packed week, girl! Be ready to how life is going to surprise you – your one and only wish for this year.

And something that you look forward to. Right? πŸ™‚

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Our space. And the distance.

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Space is good. Space is needed. And it is not necessarily empty. It is not necessarily useless. It is not necessarily silent. But it is filled with the ticking clock. It is filled with time. And if someone is given you a space, that means he or she needs some time.

To think. To feel. To see.

She left the building early, as she had nothing much to do. She had to wait for one more hour to meet her appointment. Confused by what should she does to kill the time, she decided to take a 30 minutes walk to the place where she was going to meet her appointment.

She always finds herself during a good walk under a great weather.

The ground was wet. It was because of the rain earlier. She enjoyed the walk, it was mild and she never sees a 3 kilometers as a distance that is too difficult to travel. Because she is willing to go through any distance her life is given to her. No matter how difficult it might be, but she is willing to fight.

Do you? Willing to fight the same way as she does?

Because of her depth, she feels deeply enough to fight what she’s seen to be worth the fight.Β And if it’s love, she finds it worth it.

No relationship is worthy if there is nothing to fight.

No wonder there are some people in this world that is too protective to their own self and find it difficult to find someone that is so close to a match like them. And it is okay, it is okay to wait until you find one. And throw away all the fears you are feeling during the moment of wait.

Because everything beautiful in this world are worth the wait.

She asked a lot of questions to the blue sky above her during the walk. “Why does it fade?”. All the excitements become more outages. She is no longer looking forward to it, but she is more to throwing a lot of questions to herself. And to life. Trying to analyze everything she had heard and she had gone through for the past three weeks, and making sure that she is not living in her imaginative world.

The walk was worth a go. She always finds enlightenment in the middle of the journey she takes by walking. Blending with the nature, and let the wind itself whispers something to her.

It is because of the space he and she own with all the silence and curiosity that feed her off.Β And if we are about to be that beautiful, space is the only thing that could unite us.

If you’ve ever found her to be sorrowful, let her take her walk and see the nature as a part of her.

There are some time when she actually hates waiting. But there are some other time when she realizes that time is the only thing she has to make the best decision of her life.

You don’t make decision based on the current feelings.

Think it through before you reach an understanding of all the risks you are wiling to take. She knows that she is dealing with her own heart that is difficult for her to handle “Am I willing to take the chance of getting hurt one more time?”, the only question she could ask to herself.

No. I think that is not the right question. “Am I willing to travel on the journey I have seen of how things could go?”.

And maybe he is going through the same thing as she.

Who would know? Right?

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Considerations

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A friend came to her with a small talks that evolved to be something more meaningful. With all the jokes he threw at her, he slipped a serious line in between, something that makes her wonder to the rest of her day. Something that triggered her hyperactive mind turn on. Β “Don’t think too much on him just yet”. Does she? Thinks too much of him?

She drew herself to her own world. Stayed there for few moments to ask herself whether he was right. But he did not know that. He did not know that she was drawing herself out from the real world around her. She and her multi-tasking mind, and the ability to split herself to be two entities in one form.

“I did not. Just something came up, and his figure is the first thing that pops in my mind”, as she answered him, preventing him judging her. She trusts him, as a good friend, but she stills afraid to reveal her true self.

Because it is something she needs to handle on herself, and she is a working in progress in that particular area.

But the truth is, she might be thinking about him. Of how things might go. The future that nobody could have ever predicted. Even though she knew that it is not the time to think that far just yet. But perhaps, she just need something to occupy her mind, so all the stresses would go away, and she has something to look forward to. Something that excites her.

Love excites her. Because it is the most beautiful thing that could’ve ever happened in her life.

The risk is also there: the risk of falling in love on an imaginative figure. The problem is: is she willing to take that risk? Is she willing to invest on her feeling towards someone to figure out whether she is so close with her childhood dream – to create a simple and classic happy family?

You know right she loves classic things. Because classic means simplicity. Original. Authentic.

Just how she always order Egg Benedict with wheat toast and latte on the side for breakfast. Always, you know, always..

She already knew what she wanted that brunch.

“Want” is just a phase of knowing a “Need”.

She is thinking of the wonder for the uncommon process she is going through right now. Getting to know someone through someone else. Her first, actually. And she wonders on all the “whys”. Maybe she will ask that to him someday if he decides to open up to her.

She is answers seeker.

She understands that she could not get immediate answer. And the only thing I notice her different from the past is that she has changed. She is willing to wait. She is willing to adapt. She is willing to adjust. Patiently. And if she is not supposed to know the answer, she has a big heart to accept that there are some things in this world that do not require answers. It is where an individual gets the chance to grow.

“Maybe there’s nothing wrong anyway to put a little hope. Because every hope I put in something, will teach me something precious eventually. I lose nothing, because I gain a lesson”, said she inside.

A precious lesson can only be learned through pain.

She knew she made for love. To love. And be loved. It is all in her. And when she loves, she knew that she will give her all to someone she loves. That’s why she loves hard, and broken hard as well. Like how her past experiences had shaped her.

No. Not her. Her heart, to be precise.

Gentle enough to make a stand, but firm enough to decide someone for her to love, because she knew what she needs for her life.

Life can only give her series of people that come and go in her life, but God will only give her heart to the right one.

Oh man. She is indeed God’s beloved. God loves her too much for her to settle on the less.

A mature love is when we understand what we are seeking to complement our lives instead of getting what we want.

Of course she does think of him, even though she has not known him deep enough to decide whether to love or not to love. But she takes that risk, to consider him, whether he would be the one she needs after all these times she had gone through the pain and bitterness.

She’s got a few around her, and she just wants to make sure that nobody would distract her from what she truly needs.

That’s why she keeps her focus on what is in front of her. Him.

I can’t blame her either. I told her few times not to think of him too much. But I understand her and her world. It is just who she is.

And if her world falls apart one more time, I can only promise her to be there for her when she needs her own time to put up all the broken pieces.

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Her wondering

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Bright afternoon. The sun smiled in his very brightest joy. He was sitting next to her. Driving her all the way around to her place. She chose him to sent her home. Because she knew that she needed to talk on some things she cannot tell her other best friends in the same group.

Few people only she chose to share the matter. She chose him among the other twos.

She has her own concerns.

The ones she keeps for herself, but at some point of time, she needs someone to listen on her own thoughts. Someone who won’t judge her like most people are. Someone she chooses.

As a matter of fact, she is very aware that she already has the answer within her. That is what make her strong. But she is just an ordinary girl who needs some kind of affirmative answers, like how most girls would be. The one that makes her believe in herself, that she stands on the correct path.

“You are on the right track”, as he, who was sitting next to her told her his opinion.

She always stands strong in front of everybody. But nobody knows how much she actually worries.

As she reached home, she was overwhelmed by the same feelings again. I knew she thinks too much: to the matters that you don’t even have to think at all. She just needed to understand the truth. But she could not get the truth out because of the timing has not yet to come.

She got prepared for her next meetings, and spent her evenings with her dearest ones. Friends after friends, companionships after companionships, and talked about great things in life. She laughed hard, she smiled often, but she tried to hide her deepest thought.

Will she meets him again over another meal? Will she gets the chance to know him further?

She now wonders why he did not eat his bread during the brunch they had. As she loves bread so much.

“I’ll ask him”, she said inside – then the thought came: will there be a chance?

It’s been so quiet for the past week, and she wonders whether the promise her good friend once mentioned would come true.

This is where she stands between imagination and real life: the one she cannot differentiate when she has too much thoughts on only one matter – whether the one he said that afternoon to see her again is something she wished for or something true. Which is, wrong by the way.. She knew it. But she also knew that it is beyond her control.

But a wise man told her that you don’t let worry controls you. You don’t let anything controls you. She tries. Really hard. She knew it is her biggest weakness.

How could you stand on your hope when you are not expecting?

How could she?

Nobody says it’s going to be easy..

She spent her evening with someone who needs to be listened. One of her (many) best friend. The one who also knew her story. But just at the surface. Few minutes before they left, he asked progress of her potential joy.

“Just wait”, she replied short as she did not want him to know the whole story.

He, her best friend, is a talkative individual. He started giving her some insights. He spoke on her concerns, although she did not share anything about them.

“I did not say it is something you need to consider. I believe you had already thought about that. But I just want to make sure that you are very aware on the possibilities I just mentioned”, said he.

“I know. And thank you for that”, as she replied him under the warm yellow light that filled the moment.

She spent her night in silence. Accompanied only by her thoughts. All the questions. All the wondering. All the curiosities. She chose to withdraw from the outside world. She chose to sign out from everything that connects her to the world. To make peace one more time with silence, to make peace with her own waiting time, where she could only pray this time: “Lord, hide my heart behind Yours so I won’t make a wrong decision again, so I don’t need to get hurt again”.

So she does not need to feel what should not be felt.

She needs protection.

Even though she knew that it is only dwell in her own mind. But her greatest battle lies within herself, that’s why she is very aware that her greatest fear is herself.

She found out her patterns: where there will always be one moment in her life in each month, where she is just cannot handle herself. And today is where the moment comes. She understands that, and since she is a deep learner, she needs to take some time for herself. To learn more about herself, why she feels the what she feels.

Will he understands this if he finds out about this? To give her the space she needs?

“I think it is not about who he is that gives me the joy, but I think it is about: I finally find someone, that I am looking forward to”, said she just after the car that sent her home made the last turn. And then she got out from the car, and said goodbye to each other.

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Wait.

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There were nights where she couldn't make her brain stop working. The nights where she did not have quality sleeps she desperate to have. She knew of herself: even she thinks too much on small things. No wonder if she says that she needs someone to understand this situation. Many people are afraid of her. Or maybe tired of her. And even judge her so she makes some space to protect herself. Sometimes she withdraws for no reasons, not because she is angry, not because she locks her self off, or even pity herself. It is just a moment for her to deal with herself. And that's what she needs: someone to understand that she needs time, like everybody does.

She had any rights to choose to be cranky. Or moody, because of the lack of sleep. But somehow she trained herself to be more patient to herself. She realized that a reaction towards an uncomfortable is a decision. Everything we've done in life, is a decision. So for 10 days, she chose to dwell in her silence.

She loves to keep things by herself. She did not even share her feelings to her bestfriends.

It was a bright day on a one fine morning. Everybody in the city was out with their families. Some were meeting their beloved friends. She was all by herself when she traveled in a cozy car that would bring her to her future. The 30 minutes journey with a 3 kilometers distance was the shortest journey ever. Normally it will took 15 minutes, but she got stuck in an unexplained traffic. She did not have any idea whether she was excited, or nervous. She just knew what was inside of her mind: nothing.

Nothing? How could it be nothing?

She reached the destination just on time. Met her appointment at the middle of the cafe they were meeting. It was filled with a warm ambiance with a yellow color on the background. They were still waiting for one more person to join them that morning, over a brunch.

While she and her friend talked over a conversation, he suddenly got up and threw a toss to him: "Hey you, bro! Come, join us!".

She finally met him for the very first time..

"Hi!", that's all she could say at first to him.. She stood up to introduce herself to him. It is just how she shows her respect towards new person she meets. Being polite, that is she.

That morning he was wearing her favorite t-shirt color when a guy wearing one: black. That was the first thing she noticed from his physical appearance. She never truly cares physical appearance, but she always appreciates someone who knows how to groom himself. Neat. Tidy. She looked around of himself at a glance, and noticed another thing she was really appreciate: the way he put his phone with screen facing the table. There's nothing in this world she could ever appreciate than someone's real presence on a quality time moment like that.

Actually she had no idea how the meeting would be going. She also had no idea what should be discussed during the meeting. No expectation, that was all she knew where she stands.

But maybe, those intrusive thoughts she had for the past 10 days – which made her having difficulties to sleep – were because the pressure she felt of meeting someone she is aware of, but now knowing that the real person could be so comfortable to talk to.

But as a multi-task thinker, while they were making conversation after conversations, she could only think nothing other than himself as an individual instead of a figure she saw like everybody does.

There were times where she thinks that she is a nerd, or weird (in a positive way) because she could not find a match to understand her world. She is a dreamer. And imagination is her very bestfriend. She loves classic things that few people only could appreciate an authenticity. She loves things that hidden in between the lines instead of clarity. She loves mystery and the adventure journey to discover a truth to pump out her adrenaline. She loves complicated things because her heart as deep as the ocean, and her dreams are as high as the sky above. She knows and understand a lot of things because she is a deep learner.

And she found out in him.

But she wondered, why was he the only one who did not drink coffee? She should've asked him, because until today she still wonders..

The meeting went well, if you wonder on the story πŸ™‚

She is very aware of herself, that she is someone who loves to remember memories. Because when she is alone, she turns herself as a dreamer – someone who creates the world based on her imagination.

That is why she wonders how her future might turns starting from that day, because she decided to let go on a tempting offer over an opportunity to chase her childhood dream – the one she always dreams to have, the one she never had since she was a kid and she is longing to create.

Dreams are made. We create our own future.

A week has gone by, and he is the one she could think of. No, it's not about she misses him. Or about she wishes or expects something from him. No. It is definitely not about that. It is about her own consideration of how things might go.

All the ifs..

There was a night, she had given the chance to get drown in her own thoughts and exploring herself deeper, why she felt what she feels. And then there was a Voice inside of her that tells her that we needs a space: a space to consider, a space to think, a space to feel.

She then remembered one question her friend asked her after the meeting: "Can you handle his tight schedule? Can you handle his life?".

"I had been thinking about that, and I can only say that I am totally understand. I only expect one committed schedule in a week. no need to be the whole day, but at least I see him", as she replied him. She listened to herself and realized that she is ready, comparing to her past ones, the one from many years ago she departed from.

Because before all these started, 16 days ago, she could only stared at her phone when her friend asked her: "Can I introduce you with someone?".

She stared at her phone because she was thinking whether she is ready after the past broken heart(s).

But now she knows, that she is. It is only a matter of time.

Whether it would be him or not him, she finally finds her answer: she is ready. Not because she is desperate.

And she knows, there is no need to be afraid to open up. There is no need to be afraid of loving. No matter who the person would be, she is now secure enough to understand that every journey she takes would only lead to the best one.

God knows she hates waiting. But God knows there is a room that could be improved in the waiting.

Wait. She is waiting of how the journey might go.

About Me · IN · Journey of Love · Life Lesson

I hope you are okay, like I once was, and still am..

samuel-zeller-34761

Aku pernah hadir di satu masa dimana aku bertanya jika cinta itu sanggup menyakiti. Mungkin itu adalah masa dimana aku sebenarnya belum benar-benar mengerti arti cinta. Saat itu, aku hanya tahu bahwa cinta tidak punya arti lain selain membahagiakan.

Aku pernah ada dalam sebuah hubungan yang berlangsung begitu lama. 8 tahun. Saking lamanya, tidak ada lagi yang kubayangkan selain menghabiskan sisa hidupku bersamanya.

Namun pada akhirnya hubungan itu harus berakhir.

Kemudian hubungan demi hubungan selanjutnya yang berlangsung tidak kilat, dalam hitungan umur tahunan, mengajarkanku arti cinta yang sesungguhnya.

Jadi, jangan heran ketika aku terlalu sering berkata bahwa sakit hati itu (atau patah hati) hanya akan membawamu selangkah lebih dekat kepada orang yang tepat. Karena melaluinya, melalui patah hati, aku belajar arti kedewasaan dalam cinta. Dan bagaimana pengalaman-pengalaman tersebut hanya menjadikanku pribadi yang lebih baik lagi untuk orang yang tepat.

Dan tentu saja hal tersebut tidak dapat didefinisikan melalui umur sebuah hubungan.

Aku penasaran dengan cerita satu orang teman yang suatu malam beberapa minggu lalu menghubungiku dan memohon (bukan sekedar meminta) waktuku untuk mendengarkan curahan hatinya. Saat itu aku tahu bahwa hubungannya dengan kekasihnya sudah berakhir. Secara, kekasihnya adalah salah satu dari bagian inner circle aku. Jadi aku tahu cerita mereka.

Aku memberikan satu jam waktuku pada hari selanjutnya untuk berbincang denganku melalui telefon. Dengan tangis yang begitu pilu dari balik barang elektronik mungil yang kujepit pada telinga kananku, aku hanya bisa mendengarkan segala kata-kata pedihnya. Pahit, aku tahu. Karena melalui tangis tersedu-sedunya aku dapat merasakan (bahkan menggambarkan) betapa terluka hatinya. Impiannya untuk membina masa depan dengan (mantan) kekasihnya, yang merupakan sahabatku, hancur bersamaan dengan kepingan-kepingan hatinya yang terjatuh ke tanah.

Sesungguhnya aku sudah mengerti bagaimana cinta dapat menjadi begitu indah, dan bagaimana cinta dapat menjadi begitu mengerikan bagaikan mimpi buruk. Karena aku sudah pernah mengalaminya hingga aku kehilangan jati diriku dan fungsi untuk hidup di dunia ini.

Tidak heran banyak orang berkata: “I am giving up on love”.

Tapi mungkin sebenarnya adalah bukan cinta yang menyakiti seseorang sebegitu parahnya.

Jadi, karena aku begitu penasarannya, aku mencoba untuk mencari keberadaannya di Social Media yang menyatukan kami. Tapi tidak kutemui keberadaannya dimana pun. Dan aku mencari keberadaannya di Social Media grup Inner Circle aku, dan tidak kutemui juga keberadaannya dimana pun.

Kemana kamu?

Mungkin dia sudah memblokir semua akses terhadap kami. Dan saat itu pun aku sangat mengerti betapa pedih hatinya sehingga berteman dengan kami pun tidak sanggup dia jalani.

Seperti yang pernah aku lewati empat tahun yang lalu ketika kami harus mengakhiri tiga tahun hubungan tanpa restu dengan sahabatku, aku memutuskan diriku dari interaksi terhadap dunia. Proses untuk melupakan segalanya bukanlah lagi menjadi sebuah proses untuk aku bertumbuh, melainkan prosesku menghancurkan diri sendiri.

Tidak ada rasa terburuk yang pernah kurasakan selain memutuskan diri dari dunia sekitar, terutama terhadap hal-hal yang pernah aku cintai.

Dan pada satu titik balik akhirnya aku menyadari bahwa jika memang itu benar-benar cinta, aku tidak akan membiarkan diriku menghancurkan diri sendiri. Aku tidak akan membiarkan diriku disakiti oleh diriku sendiri.

Karena cinta hanya akan dapat diberikan kepada orang lain ketika kita telah seutuhnya mencintai diri sendiri.

Jadi apa yang sesungguhnya aku jalani saat itu? Ego. Aku membiarkan ego mengkonsumsi hidup dua tahunku ketika aku berada dalam neraka – kesulitan untuk menerima kenyataan bahwa cinta yang aku pikir indah itu telah menyakitiku.

Aku belajar begitu banyak hal dari kesendirianku yang kemudian membentukku dari seorang Extrovert menjadi seorang Introvert. Berdamai dengan diri sendiri dalam sunyi seraya menjelajahi diriku sendiri. Mencoba mengenali dan mengerti diriku sendiri.

Dan pada akhirnya bukankah yang terpenting adalah kita yang mengenal diri kita sendiri – apa yang kita butuh terhadap apa yang kita mau?

Belakangan aku menyaksikan diriku sendiri yang menceritakan kepada beberapa sahabat di sekitarku apa yang aku butuhkan dalam hidup – terutama dalam sebuah hubungan.

Dan aku bersyukur akan semua pedih, pahit, luka, jatuh, hancur dalam kepingan yang pernah aku alami dalam hidup percintaan. Karena hanya dengan itu saja aku pada akhirnya dapat mengerti kebutuhanku dalam mencari seorang pasangan hidup.

Aku berharap dia, kawanku yang pernah memohon waktuku untuk didengarkan mengenai cerita hancur hatinya, juga dapat melewati proses yang sama. Sehingga suatu hari nanti ketika aku bertemu dengannya kembali, aku dapat melihat kembali senyum manis dari balik wajah cantiknya.

Dimana pun kamu berada, aku berdoa agar kamu baik-baik saja, kawan πŸ™‚

I always believe, that pain is temporary. But happiness is eternal. And you can only see joy if you are willing to let go of the things you cannot control.