Blessings in Disguise · EN · Life Lesson

Hope without End – JPCC TWC 2017

frank-mckenna-252908

It never crossed my mind to attend any Church’s events which mostly held during weekends, because I was afraid that I will burn out as I have regular weekdays Church meetings. And never crossed my mind to attend Treassure Women Conference this year. I did not even have the intention to go this year. But today, as I am writing this post, I just got back from the two full days TWC.

On Monday 28th August 2017, two weeks before TWC 2017 would be held, I received a news that shattered my heart into pieces, and I knew, I just knew, how my days would start and end each day starting from that day. With tears heavily falling on my cheeks, I threw a question to God: “How should I get through this, God?”. As an HSP (Hyper-Sensitive Person), I can hear Him clearly replying my question: “Register for TWC 2017, and I will show you how”. Clearly.

Because I knew it was Him, I obeyed.

And I knew it was Him, because at this very second, after the conference done, I can confidently telling you that that Conference TRULY IS for me. Every message that has been shared in the conference, speaks JUST EXACTLY as what I’ve been struggling for the past two weeks.

All questions were answered.

Do you believe that God is that close? He is to me. I asked, He gave command, I obeyed, and all questions just simply answered like that.

Last year we, JPCC Choir got the chance to sing at TWC 2016. But I skipped the opportunity because I did not want to spend the whole day at Church during the weekends. While everybody were grateful to be involved in the event, I chose to ignore the calling and miss the opportunity to sing and sit and listen to the speakers. But God is never giving up on me. He tried it one more time this year.

So I obeyed.

And I want to share the blessings I received to you, Readers.

Because He is real, and there is Hope for the hopeless.

If He never gives up on us, why should we give up on the dreams God has put into our hearts in the first place?

So I came prepared, knowing that God will speaks right to my heart. I came prepared, knowing that God will touch my heart, aiming for my greatest pain. I came prepared, bringing all the broken pieces of my heart and asked Him to putting all the pieces together with me. I came prepared and asked Him to accompany me because I was too afraid to face the tide by my own. I came as how I am: fragile and vulnerable.

Because I believe that God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

It is in my pain that God is closest.

DAY 1 – Friday, 8 September 2017

Session 1 by Dawnchere Wilkerson : SAY IT AGAIN

Exodus 3:7-8. God is God who never forgets your situation. God is God who never giving up on you. God is God who never putting you aside. God is God who never ignoring your needs, your wishes, your dreams.

Exodus 3:4 wrote that God called Moses twice (“Moses, Moses!”). He wants us to listen to Him. When we take our position to listen on His calling, we can hear His voice clearly. Many of us, in times of troubles we tend to listen to our own voice, questioning God why things should turn bad, not as how we are expecting. But at moment of difficulties, hear God. Listen to God’s voice. Because He wants to tell us that He wants us to receive great things to happen in our lives.

He wants us, He wants to speak with us.

When Moses was called to deliver the Israelite to the promise land, God promised Moses to be with him. As he encountered problems by problems, Moses asked God to give him miracles. As the sea split into two, as the bread descended from the heaven, God promised Moses: “I will be with you” (Exodus 4:12). And if we are in doubt, when you feel like you want to give up on your devastating situation, call God, and ask Him to say it again, say the promise He once said, that He will always be with you. God be with Moses in every single step and journey he had to take to lead the Israelite.

Every season in our lives, God is faithful. In the season of waiting, God always encourage us to keep walking, because you are not on hold. His promise awaits you.

Know that God is enough for us.

Session 2 by Sari Simorangkir : ENDLESS HOPE

We know that David had encountered difficult times. He was weeping. But David never lost hope.

Psalm 23 telling us how much David depended on God during his darkest hours, how much hope he put in God.

  1. Being content in God – Psalm 23:1 “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack of nothing”
  2. Having conviction in profound assurance – Psalm 23:3 “He guides me along the right paths”
  3. Secure – Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk to the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me”
  4. Know where his future lies

We never lack of the good things God gives in our lives. “THE GOOD”, as measured by God for each of us. What good for one person’s life, is not necessarily good for the other person’s life. And God knows what “GOOD” means for every each of us.

It is IMPOSSIBLE for God to give us the wrong blessings.

God is never making a mistake.

Session 3 by Rick Wilkerson : GOD’S LOVE LANGUAGE

Each of us shows love through our own love language. But how God wants to be loved? What is God love language?

John 14 wrote “If you love me, you will obey Me”. God has one love language: obedience. But how do we love God if God does not “behave” (read: doing nothing, being silence).

God acts out of our timeline. His time is not our time, nor ours is not His.

John 11 tells us a story about Lazarus. Why did God had to wait two days while Martha and Mary came to Him asked for Lazarus to be healed? Why did God had to wait for four days before He resurrected Lazarus?

Because God wants us to show us that He is God: “If you believe, you will see the glory of God” (John 11:40).

Our waiting season does not have to be wasted. We tend to worry when God does not working on our wishes. We tend to doubt God when God seems to be silent. We tend to be hopeless when God does not answer our prayers over a long time.

Worry separate you from God. But worship draws us close to God.

Worship Him if we feel anxious, worry, doubtful, or hopeless. Because we need God during that moment. Don’t turn your face away from God.

God’s love is way much bigger than our faith. It is impossible God abandoned our wishes, our hopes, our dreams.

When we put our hope in God, we are expecting God is working on something. Even it seems to be so quiet, but God is working on something that we cannot see. Expect that God is working on something, because then we will be prepared to receive the blessings from Him. Get prepared, be prepared. When the time comes, you will receive the blessings and you have already equipped to handle the blessings.

If we think that God does not do anything, it does not mean God is delaying, it does not mean God is rejecting us. Never put a period, if God puts a comma.

If it is not okay, it is not the end. God has not finished yet.

If God always meets our expectations, He cannot show that He is more than the wishes we’ve ever asked, than the dreams we’ve ever build. How can He ever exceeds, if He always gives us what we ask.

If expectation does not line up with our situation, it’s always because God wants to reveal something that He has never been shown to us or we have ever known before.

DAY 2 – Saturday, 9 September 2017

Session 1 by Angela Rachmat : THE “RED SEA” IN OUR LIVES

Exodus 14:13-14 speaks four things to the Israelite when they were facing red sea in front of them.

  1. “Do not be afraid”. Fear steals strength. Fear steals hope. Fear stops us from moving forward. Fear is not a sin, but it can drag you into sin. Fear might bring you nowhere because you are too afraid to decide (or creating the possibility of the having best decision for life). God knows our weaknesses, as well as our strengths. But God wants us to focus on our strengths to fight our own fears, instead of focusing on our weakness and fall .
  2. “Stand firm” (be confident). Moving on means we look forward. But it is important to take a look in our past and see how much great things (or blessings) God had done for us in our past lives. How do we see ourselves? We will never win anything if we choose to be beaten up by the bad things happen in our lives.
  3. “You will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today”. God wants us to receive what’s best for our lives. If we don’t get what we ask for, we tend to be disappointed because we think God misses the point. In dart games, if we hit the point outside the bullseye, it doesn’t mean it’s nothing. It means God wants to settle on the “side things” that haven’t been settled before we receive the blessings we are asking.
  4. “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still”. God fight the battle for you when you be still. It will be so much difficult for us to listen to His voice when we are too busy to listen to our own voices.

“I am working on something in your life. Would you trust Me?”.

Session 2 by Englyn Mutty : CHANGE THE WAY YOU FIGHT

When we receive bad news, we tend to fall. Feeling devastated. Losing hope. Asking questions. But God is up to something because He actually is working behind the screen. Every each of us will go through the same season in life where we have done everything in, but things have not changed.

We often have the tendency not to be aware that something is actually change. Our attitudes, our responses, our characters, that have been shaped after all this time. We just need to see it from God’s perspective instead of our limited views.

Because God is God who cares for the process instead of the final result (answered prayers).

God is more interested for us to walking the process. Don’t run from it.

Walk like we have already received the blessing, it will change the way we walk, the way we fight. We will be confident. We will be patience waiting God to fulfill His promises.

Because patience brings hope.

Session 3 by Dawnchere Wilkerson : YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND 

When you are in a difficult situation, you need a friend. When you are feeling lonely, you need a friend.

Know that God never leaves us. He is our best of the very best Friend.

Loneliness is a battle inside of each of us. We might be surrounded by a lot of people, among thousands, but we will still be lonely. Because loneliness is the enemies’ lie. They try to trick us that God has left us, abandoned us, forgotten us. Enter His presence, and feel His presence. We will never feel lonely anymore.

God loves us that much so He wants us to receive what’s best for us, what we NEED and not what we want.


 

Wait on Him, because He has not done just yet. You will never lose hope in God.

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Blessings in Disguise · EN · Irin Active Journey · Life Lesson

Ironman 70.3 Bintan Journey

Long distance sports have taught me more into characters development rather than gaining physical strength. For me, becoming strong is just a reward. The real journey is when you becoming someone better from the inside. That is the most valuable lesson I will always picked.

Every time I finish a long distance race, I always come back home learning a precious life-lesson.

Most people would’ve imagined what it takes for someone (or me) to reach certain level of strength. Or endurance. They would think it takes waking up early when the sun has not shined, or spare at least an hour of your schedule each day just to train, or going extra miles – keep improving your distance over time – which will be resulting gaining your endurance level.

But for me, I see it from different perspective and found much deeper meanings by being a long distance athlete.

I am becoming the better me because I have the best moments with myself during those long hours of exercise.

I just completed my second 70.3 Triathlon Race in Bintan last Sunday. My first at four months ago was not an official Ironman race, but they had a Half Ironman distance. And my second was an official Ironman race from The State. I improved my timing from 8:20 hours to 7:50-ish hours, with less training because of some incidents happened during my peak training weeks. I don’t say that you will do just good with less training. Of course proper training and preparations have high contribution on the performance. But I realized that my own mental readiness has higher contribution on the performance.

It is what keep me going..

THE SWIM LEG

Swimming open water has many challenges. And risks as well (for sure). Learn to do sighting while you also need to keep your body straight to maintain the buoyancy so the swimming won’t feel too draggy, is one of many challenges we all are facing during the Triathlon race. Otherwise, you will swim out of the race course lane which will contributes to the longer timing and a risk of not being able to continue to the next leg.

Bintan’s ocean is one of the most beautiful sea I’ve ever swam. The wave is calm, the water is warm (about 29 degrees Celsius), the bottom is quite clear so I can see line of reefs, and some small fishes swam next to me.

I was never feel alone πŸ™‚

I knew I belong to the ocean, I did not need to take a while to blend with it. But not for some other participants. I can sensed their worries when it comes to swimming open water. And it is okay, it is okay to be scared of the water, of the ocean, of what it may happen.

The deeper the ocean, the cooler the temperature, the more we are formed to be stronger to conquer the roaring waves.

There were thousands participants were swimming on the same lane, even though we were divided by several waves, released every five minutes. But still, people were competing, and less likely we could find someone who can swim on the same pace as everybody else. They started kicking without caring whom would they hit around when people were trying to catch up with the front-liners.

But I cared.

At some point, I decided to look around, tried to find an empty spot where I could swim without hurting anybody. I might swam a little bit further because I was swimming almost at the outer lane line. But then again, I am here no to seek achievement, I am here to finish what I have started.

At that point, I learned to be less egocentric, thinking about other people than myself.

Maybe people were there to compete. But I realized I was there to find myself. They are not me, and I am not them.

I found my peace at the open water.

THE BIKE LEG

It was tough. The 90 kilometers distance was the toughest. And cycling has always been my weakest point. I heard that the bike course in Bintan is hilly. I never imagined how hilly Bintan was until I was sitting on the top of Aaron, conquering hills after hills.

It felt so long, it felt so far.Β “When will these hills end?”, as I looked down to see the road. I chose not to see how much further the hills I was facing.

At that point, I learned patience.

Because in the end, the hill itself has its limit, and we will reach at the peak of it eventually, within moments.

“Easy, Irene, easy. Go easy on yourself. Don’t push too hard. It’s a long journey, and you still have one more leg to finish”, I said that to myself every time I went into a hill that is too hard to climb.

“Don’t get off from Aaron. Just keep pedaling with your own pace. The hill(s) shall pass”, I said that to myself every time I saw a hill that is too far to pass.

At that point, I learned persistence.

Then I remember that most of the times I am being too hard on myself. I am an idealist. And a perfectionist. I would stress myself if things go sideways. I realize that I am being too hard on myself if I do that. In an ideal world of mine, everything does not come together with the things that we all are going through in the real world.

But I learned that each individuals are formed differently, and timing does not come the same between one and the others. It’s okay to take some time and go on with your own pace, my own pace ..

.. as long as you don’t stop.

I conquered hills after hills, without getting off from Aaron, survived the climb with extreme heat for about four hours.

THE RUN LEG

It was 11.30 AM when I started running, and it was extremely hot. I was too lazy to run. Both my legs were too heavy to run for another 21 kilometers, it was a long distance at this hour. Even it felt so long to run for just one kilometer.

The run was the longest journey.

But I kept running, slowly, with a small steps, and passed few people who started to walk in limps.Β When I was about to chose to walk along the run leg, I saw them and thought that I was not alone: everyone was in pain, everybody felt the same fatigue. So I kept my leaps small, and did not stop.

I learned that I am not alone in any kind of struggles ..

.. because everybody in this world are having the same struggles with their own capacities. The troubles I am facing right now, might seem easy or hard to someone else, and the troubles other people are facing right now, might seem easy or hard to me. I am not in the position to judge.

I learned to be more humble.

Because each of us are granted different kind of strength to face different kind of hardships and my existence around them are to be someone in times of need.

I was at my first out of second loop, when it felt so hot, and passed one of my friend that demotivated me with his negative words, telling me that I was suck. Tired, dehydrated, I realized my emotional state was at my lowest. I was hoping to hear some motivational cheers, but instead I got insulted. When I heard those words, I had the option to get angry or just let go and ignore what he had been thrown at me.

But I learned self-control, and chose to dwell in silence.

I cried for the next 3 kilometers and suddenly lost my energy to keep running under the sun. I was almost losing my confidence to finish the running part.Β “Am I that suck because I was way behind him?”,Β I was doubting myself.

But I learned to believe in myself, that no one has the right to define you but yourself.

I chose to cheer myself up by cheering other people, especially for those whom I know. Accompanied one of my injured friend for 3 kilometers when the rain came down heavily and chose to leave him because he asked so.

It felt great when you are there for someone in need.

I managed to finish all the legs with no injuries or pain.

SUMMARY

I caught a light flu and a cough, I had my second day of period during the race day, I was not at my best physical condition, but I was able to finish the race, when the day before I almost gave up to start the race because I thought I could not bear everything. And every time I was about to give up, every several kilometers, I always remind myself why I do what I do: to finish what I have committed to begin.

At that point, I learned to be a person of my own words.

“Why I should I torture myself in this long distance race?” Should I give up? Can I finish the course?, I asked myself those questions every time I was going to put it an end.

But I am not the kind of person who would like to give up easily.

The thing to be a long distance race finisher is because I want to bring home a story to be told: nothing is impossible if you believe in yourself.

The greatest battle is not out there, on the course, but it is within you: yourself.

I could not thank God enough for His guidance in every seconds I was at each of the legs’ course. I can feel Him right next to me, giving me the energies I needed to keep my going, while He gently said: “You are not done yet, My child, keep going”.

I am not done yet, because I have not seen the finish line. The race is like a life-journey, you don’t give up just yet when things seem to be overwhelmed to handle. It makes you stronger, makes me stronger, creating a better you and I over time.

I found more of me.

And you will find more of you somewhere along the journey, just like how I found mine πŸ™‚

I went back to the villa where I stayed, took a quick shower and joined my friends who were still around the race village with a big smile. I might not be a winner in the stage, but I am a winner of my own demons: fear and worry.

And that’s all that matter .. That is all that matter πŸ™‚

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-23 at 2.45.20 PM

PS:

Thanks for the togetherness, TriDear! It was an awesome journey with you guys!

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-23 at 2.46.17 PM

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-23 at 2.45.55 PM

 

IN · Journey of Love · Life Lesson · Literature

Terbaik


Kutemukan dirinya terduduk di kursi penumpang, merenungi lalu lintas sekitar yang tidak biasanya sudah dipadati oleh mobil-mobil yang mengantri di jalur yang dilewatinya. Waktu menunjukan pukul tiga sore. Keberadaannya ketika orang lain sedang duduk bekerja di depan komputer masing-masing, disebabkan oleh karena dirinya sengaja mengambil setengah hari cuti untuk berurusan dengan persiapan keberangkatannya ke bandara dua hari ke depan. Udara di luar terlampau terik. Sehingga mobil yang dikendarainya memasang suhu AC paling rendah.

Terasa sejuk. Tidak dirasakannya dingin yang biasanya dia rasakan ketika tubuhnya diterpa angin AC.

Kepalanya disandarkannya ke sandaran kursi penumpang. Dengan tujuan mengistirahatkan tubuhnya yang kelelahan. Dan berat matanya yang diserang rasa kantuk. Berkedip semakin perlahan. Hampir saja dirinya terbuai untuk tertidur. Menyadari tidak lama lagi dia akan tiba di tempat tujuan, dia memilih untuk mengusap kedua matanya agar otot-otot yang telah lemas itu bisa terbangun kembali.

“Selelah ini aku. Bisakah aku menyelesaikan pertandingan jarak jauh tersebut?”, ujarnya ragu dalam hati. Dia sudah tahu bahwa hatinya tidak lagi terpanggil untuk menjadi seambisius sebelumnya.

Karena daya imajinasinya yang kuat, aku temukan dirinya dengan tatapan kosongnya memandang daun-daun di pohon yang berdansa tertiup angin. Saat itu pun aku mengerti, seberapa dalam dia sedang membawa dirinya berpindah ke sisi dunia lain miliknya.

Tiga hari. Tiga hari berturut-turut dia menuju ke kawasan yang sama. Ke tempat dimana dirinya pernah dikuasai oleh rasa penasaran terhadap bagaimana malamnya akan dihabiskan, ke tempat dimana malamnya kemudian telah menjadi kenangan karena hari tersebut telah berlalu. Menggantung..

Kenangan? Akankah semuanya itu hanya sebatas kenangan belaka?

Atau sebuah permulaan?

Malam ketika seorang teman yang baik menghampirinya dengan sebuah pertanyaan jika dia siap untuk membuka diri lagi kepada seseorang, malam ketika dirinya terpaku memandang layar telefon genggamnya karena terjepit diantara harapannya dan ketakutannya, merupakan malam dimana sesungguhnya dia tahu bahwa akan ada resiko untuknya berhadapan dengan sisi gelap dirinya yang dia takuti. Tapi dia sudah memutuskan untuk berhadapan dengan resiko tersebut daripada harus kehilangan kesempatan untuk melihat pemenuhan impiannya.

Sebagaimana dia mencintai hentakan kakinya ketika bersentuhan dengan aspal, dia memilih untuk menempuh jalan panjang untuknya berbincang dengan sahabatnya: malam.

Karena dia tahu bahwa dia harus berhadapan dengan dirinya sendiri.

Jika ada tangis terjatuh membasahi kedua pipinya, adalah dirinya yang merasa lelah merasakan apa yang dia rasakan malam itu. Ketakutan. Karena pada dasarnya semua orang memiliki ketakutannya masing-masing.

Pada dasarnya semua orang terlalu takut untuk membuka kerentanannya.

Dan jika ada masa dimana untuk menjadi rentan adalah sebuah keputusan, mungkin memang itu lah yang harus dia berikan kepadanya, sebagai caranya menyampaikan bahwa dirinya bukan wanita pada umumnya. Bahwa tidak ada yang perlu ditakuti oleh siapa pun tentang dirinya, karena dirinya yang penakut, telah dibebaskan melalui proses perjalanannya meraih impiannya untuk mencintai.

Waktu. Dan jarak. Selama apa pun waktu, sejauh apa pun jarak, dirinya tidak dibentuk untuk menjadi seorang penyabar. Jika aku mendapatkan sosoknya yang bertahan dalam kesunyian ruang waktu, semua hanya karena dilandaskan dari kekuatan hatinya untuk mendapatkan yang terbaik …

… mendapatkan yang terbaik bukan untuk dirinya sendiri, melainkan untuk dia yang sedang menjadi pertimbangan hatinya.

“Bukan lagi untuk aku berdoa mendapatkan yang terbaik untukku. Tapi aku berdoa agar kamu mendapatkan yang terbaik untukmu”, ujarnya dalam doa tertulusnya yang dilantunkan dari bawah sinar lampu kuning yang menyorot tubuhnya dalam sebuah nyanyian. “Dan jika bukan aku orangnya, akan disediakan yang terbaik baginya. Juga sebaliknya”, lanjutnya.

Bukankah hal terindah dalam hidup adalah ketika kita memikirkan orang lain jauh daripada diri kita sendiri?

A complete recovery from pain is to pray for recovery for others.

So, girl .. take your time as he takes his time.

About Me · IN · Journey of Love · Life Lesson

I hope you are okay, like I once was, and still am..

samuel-zeller-34761

Aku pernah hadir di satu masa dimana aku bertanya jika cinta itu sanggup menyakiti. Mungkin itu adalah masa dimana aku sebenarnya belum benar-benar mengerti arti cinta. Saat itu, aku hanya tahu bahwa cinta tidak punya arti lain selain membahagiakan.

Aku pernah ada dalam sebuah hubungan yang berlangsung begitu lama. 8 tahun. Saking lamanya, tidak ada lagi yang kubayangkan selain menghabiskan sisa hidupku bersamanya.

Namun pada akhirnya hubungan itu harus berakhir.

Kemudian hubungan demi hubungan selanjutnya yang berlangsung tidak kilat, dalam hitungan umur tahunan, mengajarkanku arti cinta yang sesungguhnya.

Jadi, jangan heran ketika aku terlalu sering berkata bahwa sakit hati itu (atau patah hati) hanya akan membawamu selangkah lebih dekat kepada orang yang tepat. Karena melaluinya, melalui patah hati, aku belajar arti kedewasaan dalam cinta. Dan bagaimana pengalaman-pengalaman tersebut hanya menjadikanku pribadi yang lebih baik lagi untuk orang yang tepat.

Dan tentu saja hal tersebut tidak dapat didefinisikan melalui umur sebuah hubungan.

Aku penasaran dengan cerita satu orang teman yang suatu malam beberapa minggu lalu menghubungiku dan memohon (bukan sekedar meminta) waktuku untuk mendengarkan curahan hatinya. Saat itu aku tahu bahwa hubungannya dengan kekasihnya sudah berakhir. Secara, kekasihnya adalah salah satu dari bagian inner circle aku. Jadi aku tahu cerita mereka.

Aku memberikan satu jam waktuku pada hari selanjutnya untuk berbincang denganku melalui telefon. Dengan tangis yang begitu pilu dari balik barang elektronik mungil yang kujepit pada telinga kananku, aku hanya bisa mendengarkan segala kata-kata pedihnya. Pahit, aku tahu. Karena melalui tangis tersedu-sedunya aku dapat merasakan (bahkan menggambarkan) betapa terluka hatinya. Impiannya untuk membina masa depan dengan (mantan) kekasihnya, yang merupakan sahabatku, hancur bersamaan dengan kepingan-kepingan hatinya yang terjatuh ke tanah.

Sesungguhnya aku sudah mengerti bagaimana cinta dapat menjadi begitu indah, dan bagaimana cinta dapat menjadi begitu mengerikan bagaikan mimpi buruk. Karena aku sudah pernah mengalaminya hingga aku kehilangan jati diriku dan fungsi untuk hidup di dunia ini.

Tidak heran banyak orang berkata: “I am giving up on love”.

Tapi mungkin sebenarnya adalah bukan cinta yang menyakiti seseorang sebegitu parahnya.

Jadi, karena aku begitu penasarannya, aku mencoba untuk mencari keberadaannya di Social Media yang menyatukan kami. Tapi tidak kutemui keberadaannya dimana pun. Dan aku mencari keberadaannya di Social Media grup Inner Circle aku, dan tidak kutemui juga keberadaannya dimana pun.

Kemana kamu?

Mungkin dia sudah memblokir semua akses terhadap kami. Dan saat itu pun aku sangat mengerti betapa pedih hatinya sehingga berteman dengan kami pun tidak sanggup dia jalani.

Seperti yang pernah aku lewati empat tahun yang lalu ketika kami harus mengakhiri tiga tahun hubungan tanpa restu dengan sahabatku, aku memutuskan diriku dari interaksi terhadap dunia. Proses untuk melupakan segalanya bukanlah lagi menjadi sebuah proses untuk aku bertumbuh, melainkan prosesku menghancurkan diri sendiri.

Tidak ada rasa terburuk yang pernah kurasakan selain memutuskan diri dari dunia sekitar, terutama terhadap hal-hal yang pernah aku cintai.

Dan pada satu titik balik akhirnya aku menyadari bahwa jika memang itu benar-benar cinta, aku tidak akan membiarkan diriku menghancurkan diri sendiri. Aku tidak akan membiarkan diriku disakiti oleh diriku sendiri.

Karena cinta hanya akan dapat diberikan kepada orang lain ketika kita telah seutuhnya mencintai diri sendiri.

Jadi apa yang sesungguhnya aku jalani saat itu? Ego. Aku membiarkan ego mengkonsumsi hidup dua tahunku ketika aku berada dalam neraka – kesulitan untuk menerima kenyataan bahwa cinta yang aku pikir indah itu telah menyakitiku.

Aku belajar begitu banyak hal dari kesendirianku yang kemudian membentukku dari seorang Extrovert menjadi seorang Introvert. Berdamai dengan diri sendiri dalam sunyi seraya menjelajahi diriku sendiri. Mencoba mengenali dan mengerti diriku sendiri.

Dan pada akhirnya bukankah yang terpenting adalah kita yang mengenal diri kita sendiri – apa yang kita butuh terhadap apa yang kita mau?

Belakangan aku menyaksikan diriku sendiri yang menceritakan kepada beberapa sahabat di sekitarku apa yang aku butuhkan dalam hidup – terutama dalam sebuah hubungan.

Dan aku bersyukur akan semua pedih, pahit, luka, jatuh, hancur dalam kepingan yang pernah aku alami dalam hidup percintaan. Karena hanya dengan itu saja aku pada akhirnya dapat mengerti kebutuhanku dalam mencari seorang pasangan hidup.

Aku berharap dia, kawanku yang pernah memohon waktuku untuk didengarkan mengenai cerita hancur hatinya, juga dapat melewati proses yang sama. Sehingga suatu hari nanti ketika aku bertemu dengannya kembali, aku dapat melihat kembali senyum manis dari balik wajah cantiknya.

Dimana pun kamu berada, aku berdoa agar kamu baik-baik saja, kawan πŸ™‚

I always believe, that pain is temporary. But happiness is eternal. And you can only see joy if you are willing to let go of the things you cannot control.

EN · Life Lesson

Beauty

mark-adriane-259950

4.30 PM

The hour where everything starts to fade. I am still sitting in front of my laptop, struggling with my stomach-ache caused by the gastritis attack I am having Β for the past two weeks, chatting with my good friend telling her about my current condition, twisting my mind to find a solution for this uncomfortable condition.

Couldn’t find anything though…

People around are starting to go pack their things and go home. Yeah. It’s different here, in my office. You can tap in at any hour in the morning, and tap out whenever your work is done for the day. Especially in my Division, Finance, where people are normally will reach the office at 7.00 AM, and leave at 4.00 PM. So it’s only few person left here.

I have dinner plan for tonight. With couple friends, who need to get some advice from me. I don’t know myself whether I could enjoy my dinner.

Or maybe I should leave now, maybe it is the aircon?

Anyway..

At this critical hour, where I lie myself in between the thin line of never-ending-work or leaving-for-a-dinner, I lifted my phone which sitting next to my right hand. Opened my Instagram, and the first post I see is my friend who is finally in an official relationship with someone. I know a little bit of their story.

Jealous? No. Just until yesterday I wrote a post about “being secure”, why should I be jealous?

Happy, to be precise.

You know. Seeing a friend of mine feels that kind of happiness, makes me happy as well.

You agree right that beautiful people are happy people? Beauty is simple: just be happy with your life.

If you have ever seen yourself beautiful in front of the mirror, it is not necessarily because you are wearing your best clothes, or putting classy make ups, but it is because you are happy.

Like today (or maybe for the past 13 days), when I saw my own reflection: I see a jumping rabbit.

It is the heart that sees the world in beauty.

It is the heart full of hope that sees life has future.

It is the heart that falls in love with life that sees joy in everything.

When I had that dream few months ago, that spoke right through me how my 2017 would be so exciting, I always wonder how could it be?

Of course it could, because excitements do not coming from the outside, it is coming from the inside. You might face troubles, but see troubles as challenges. You may feel sadness, but see sadness as a moment to handle your emotions. You may experience disappointment, but see disappointment as a learning phase that nothing in this world would go as what we expected.

Especially when you are an idealist or perfectionist as me.

I learned a lot, you know πŸ™‚ Β So many things about life, about love, that might turn into thick book.

And this how I always tell my best friends, my closes friends, my good friends: the most important thing about life is not about your story with someone else (or people), but it is about knowing yourself even more.

Wait for my moment, will you? You’ll find a surprise there πŸ˜‰

About Me · Blessings in Disguise · EN · Life Lesson

Fulfilled. Complete. Secure.

monica-silva-144542

If someone come to me and ask me a question: “How would you describe your life today?”. I would say: “I am fulfilled”.

For the first time in my life, I finally can understand and experience “the fullness of life”, to be complete. For the first time in my life, if I cry in the darkness, it is not because I mourn for the troubles I face, but because my heart is touched because I am loved. This heart feels nothing other than love itself. Love from and towards people around me, love from and towards my family, and most of all, love from and towards God. And if I ever feel forgotten by someone I appreciate his or her presence around, I might feel a little bit of sadness. But I will always survive, because God’s love never leave me.

A few years back when I got a “theory” that in order to find the love of your life and get into marriage, you must be fulfilled first. Complete. I had no idea at that point of time what was the meaning of “being complete”. I heard that an empty cup will never be able to give anything. And marriage is all about giving.

But how can I be complete? I was so broken and I never see myself as someone who is worthy enough to be loved by the others. I was scared that nobody would accept the true me. I was so logical and never really understand God’s love. I knew the theory, but I was never understand. I felt empty. Insecure.

But God never gave up on me. He is Faithful. And I am so grateful that God never miss me to put me into the right community and letting me meeting right people.

And most of all I am so grateful that God has given me this kind of “awareness” that He is always there. Even though I fell thousands times, but I always rise for another thousands times.

Sunday afternoon, when I had nothing to do and nowhere to go, I felt that “fear” to be on my own with these lots of energies inside of me. Lots energies mean lots of unnecessary thoughts. But I did not want to go exercise. I wanted to do something else. So I texted one of my good friend and asked her what was her plans for the afternoon. Turned out that she had not had her lunch, so I went for a light lunch with her and her future husband.

For me, every opportunity I spend with someone, will always be a quality one. So we talked on deep things about life.

And those moments will always give me a blessing, I will always learn something valuable from there.

We talked about their wedding plans. And each of them shared their experiences on relationships they had gone through for the past four years. Not easy, but they survived. Especially when I found the fact that they are almost 40s.

“There was some point where I was desperate to find someone to love. But that point had led me to another point where I told my Mom that even if I don’t find anyone, God’s love never leave me”, said she, “I am secure”, as she squeezed her handbag to her chest.

I replied her smile because there was nothing I could say further to reply her statement.

I continued my evening with my boy-friends, had what so called “dirty” dinner while I kept thinking of how these couple weeks I had been quite silence and did not write anything on my own blog.

You know I always vocal on a blog, right?

What did I feel? What did I think? I must’ve thought of something until I did not have any ideas to be poured into a writing.

Of course I faced something.

I liked a guy in my church that was too far away from my reach – as I wrote in my previous posts. And everybody around me somehow kept saying: “Just let him go, because you are far more too precious for a guy like him“. So I asked God: “What was the meaning of all that? Where the world defying back what I wished for just like how my four years ago relationship went. This must be something“.

Well.. I kinda have that kind of sensitivity..

I could not understand until one day God spoke right to me when I was in silence with my guitar: Don’t you be satisfied with the love I have for you? Why should you seek from the others?

Don’t you have that beautiful dream since you were a kid to have a kind of family you never had before?“.

I do, have that dream.

Isn’t it beautiful if you wait for My time?”.

I once wrote a quote and posted it in my Instagram: “What could be more beautiful than finding something when you are not seeking?”. This post I wrote when I was struggling with my moving on process a few months back and tried to seek for a runaway.

I always believe that beautiful things are worth the wait.

I am a writer. I need to live the words I am writing.

I knew that was God because after that night, suddenly I felt this deep feeling of peace. It felt like I was overwhelmed by God’s love, over and over again. I felt like the cup I left it half empty filled by a fresh water and somehow it is now full.

I recalled my love journey for the past one year, how I saw myself as someone who cannot be left alone because the problem is I was afraid of facing myself. But I learned a valuable lessons:

  1. When I thought I would never love somebody like how much I loved my four years ago boyfriend – I was in love with somebody I could never thought I would, and the sacrifices I made were more than I made for my ex, and I learned that the feeling I felt for him was far more beautiful than I felt towards my ex. I learned that you will never feel the same thing towards someone, it will just gets more beautiful.
  2. When I was having my struggles to accept that someone I love left for good, I was (almost) having a relationship with someone I never thought would turn my life – writing and publishing a book that has been delayed for a decade. He had been my inspiration for the work I am passionate about: writing, and I found myself again from the book I finished writing because I realized I defeated my own pain. I learned how to understand, listening, and handle myself and made peace with my own fears and loneliness. I came out not only as a survivor, but also a winner of my own weaknesses.
  3. When I was in the process of moving on, I got the chance to see everything that I had been through were actually God’s love to save me from the life or relationships He does not want me to get into. He loves me too much to see me settling down with someone that does not come from Him. He loves me too much to see me not to be the best of my life. He loves me too much as He is being protective to me.

I learned to accept me and facing my own fears: that even pain and fears are just temporary. But God’s love is endless.

Last night when I and my other three friends in my inner circle were joking around in a Whatsapp Group about how one of us was visiting the place his girlfriend once lived, “I’m just learning her past”, I mocked him – since he always mocks me and I finally get the chance to mock him :p. “Are you jealous, Irene, because you have not gotten the chance to have that kind of opportunity?“, said another one of us.

I replied him back: “No. My time will come”. I can see myself said that sentence confidently.

They all smiled πŸ™‚

Because I believe that God who loves me that much will lead me to be with someone that comes from Him because all He wants for me is just me being the best of me in life.

And I believe on His timing.

Fulfilled. Complete. Secure.Β That’s who I am right now πŸ™‚

IN · Journey of Love · Life Lesson

melepaskan

aku pernah merasakan kebahagiaan yang tidak pernah dapat dijelaskan ketika aku memandang dirimu. dan ketika aku berjalan seorang diri, aku sudah cukup bahagia ketika aku memandang gambaran dirimu di genggaman tangan kananku. senyuman yang tergores di wajahmu, menghangatkan hatiku. 

aku bahkan sempat mencintaimu.

jatuh cinta pada sosok imajinasi yang aku bangun sendiri terhadap dirimu. dan aku sempat menyalahkan diriku sendiri karena kebodohan yang hampir terulang. dan kembali mengalami kesulitan menerima bahwa aku mudah terbuai oleh cinta. 

aku tidak berhenti menangis ketika seorang sahabat menghampiriku dan berkata untuk melepaskanmu. lagi. melepaskan cinta yang aku kira akan kumulai kembali. 

“aku hanya ingin menyelamatkanmu dari sakit hati yang sama”, katanya, karena dia tidak sanggup melihat hatiku hancur lagi. 

kesulitanku untuk melepaskan yang kugenggam erat adalah karena aku takut untuk tidak mendapatkan sesuatu, atau seseorang yang akan membuatku merasakan perasaan seindah yang kini aku rasakan. 

walaupun sebenarnya aku telah belajar bahwa kita tidak pernah merasakan perasaan yang sama akan apa yang pernah kita rasakan terhadap seseorang. 

takut.. aku takut karena aku ragu terhadap diriku sendiri. jika akan ada orang yang mencintaiku sebesar aku akan mencintainya.

dan ternyata hanya Tuhan yang bisa memberikan cinta melebihi yang bisa aku berikan. mengapa aku harus mencarinya di dunia yang fana? 

aku tidak takut untuk mencintai, tapi aku hanya takut untuk disakiti. padahal sakit itu sendiri merupakan salah satu elemen yang terkandung dalam mencintai. jika kamu berani mencintai, maka kamu harus berani disakiti. 

dan hanya orang-orang yang berani saja yang memutuskan untuk mencintai. 

jadi jika aku berkata bahwa aku berani mencintai, bukankah seharusnya aku berani disakiti? karena sakit hati hanya akan membawa kita satu langkah lebih maju kepada orang yang tepat. 

“aku ingin membantumu, tapi lepaskan apa yang kamu pegang terlebih dahulu”, sahabatku kembali melanjutkan kata-katanya. aku jadi teringat bagaimana hidup telah mengajarkanku untuk melepaskan dan menyaksikannya jika ia kembali, maka ia untukku. dan jika tidak, biar kapalnya berlabuh dengan segala muatan perasaan yang pernah aku kumpulkan untuk dirinya. 

dan hidup telah mengajarkanku bahwa melepaskan adalah tandaku mencintai seseorang. melepaskan adalah tandaku mencintai Tuhan, karena itu berarti aku mempercayakan sepenuhnya Tuhan berikan yang terbaik dariNya. 

jadi, jika kini aku harus melepasmu, menghapus beberapa hal yang sudah kupelajari dari dirimu hingga hari ini, hanya caraku untuk menyelamatkan diri sendiri karena yang Tuhan mau pun adalah ketika aku tahu apa yang terbaik untukku.

jika kamu untukku, akan ada jalan lain yang terbuka, bukan? πŸ™‚