“Karena aku sudah menemukan kedamaianku”

Jakarta turun hujan lagi malam ini. Apakah aku sedang merindukanmu? Karena masa-masa aku mencintaimu adalah ketika hujan turun untuk menyampaikan kerinduanku kepadamu. Tetapi ketahuilah, bahwa aku sudah menemukan kedamaianku.

Aku pun heran ketika pikiranku tiba-tiba tidak lagi diisi dengan sosoknya ketika aku sedang berkelana di kantorr. Atau di gym. Atau di kantin. Ruang-ruang yang dulu pernah kami isi untuk menghabiskan waktu bersama. Seperti yang malam itu Tuhan katakan kepadaku, bahwa pertemuan super-intensif sepanjang dua minggu bertujuan untukNya “mengenyangkan” kerinduan yang pernah aku sampaikan kepada Tuhan. Sebuah penutup, dengan caraNya meyakinkanku bahwa aku dan dirinya adalah kemustahilan, bukan kemungkinan. Aku tidak lagi bertemu dengannya. Perlahan memori mengenai keberadaannya hilang, disapu angin waktu.

Karena aku sudah menerima dirinya yang telah menjadi bagian dari diriku yang akan kubawa sampai akhir hidupku, walaupun kisah tentangnya akan perlahan terlupakan. Melekat dalam batinku, sudah cukup, tanpa aku harus memandang bayang-bayang dirinya lagi.

Namun hari ini aku bertemu lagi dengan dirinya. Maksudku “bertemu” bukan mengenai bertatap muka dengan muka, atau bertukar pandang. Kehadirannya yang aku ketahui ada di sekitarku: melihat namanya tertulis dalam sebuah lembaran daftar hadir dan memandang pantulan sosoknya dari balik kaca yang membalut seluruh ruang gym.

“Dia lagi”, ujarku kepada sahabat-sahabatku. Mungkin mereka heran mengapa aku harus mempermasalahkan jika kami bertemu.

“Kenalan lagi donk: hai kayak pernah liat di kantor, kamu satu kantor sama aku ya?”, aku tidak dapat menahan tawaku ketika membaca salah satu dari ketiga sahabatku menuliskan pesan melalui WhatsApp group kami. Epic.

Tapi duduk permasalahannya bukan mengenai ada atau tidak ada dia disekitarku. Mungkin kemarin jika aku bertemu dengannya, aku akan dikuasai oleh perasaan sedih yang tak terungkap oleh karena kami sudah menjadi dua orang asing. Namun sekarang aku dapat katakan bahwa pertemuanku dengannya hanya akan membawa hawa canggung yang tidak sanggup aku hadapi. “Bagaimana aku harus bersikap kepadanya?”, tanyaku dalam hati jika ada satu kemungkinan untuk disempatkan berpapasan dengannya.

Aku bertanya kepada langit malam yang memantulkan cahaya merah entah darimana, jika aku sedang merindukannya sehingga haruskah hujan turun malam ini ketika sudah sekian lama Jakarta tidak turun hujan? Tetapi aku memang sudah tidak lagi merindukan dirinya. Bahkan ketika aku sedang berlari seraya bertanya apakah aku dan dia akan berpapasan lagi hari ini dari atas ban berjalan di gym, aku mendengar Tuhan bertanya kepadaku jika aku ingin bertemu dengannya. Dengan yakin aku menjawab: tidak. Karena aku tidak tahu apa yang harus aku katakan kepadanya jika kami harus berpapasan sebegitu dekatnya, dan hanya ada kami berdua di dalam ruangan tersebut. Aku memilih untuk melepaskannya dengan tidak bertemu dengannya kembali.

Mungkin hujan yang mengguyur kota Jakarta malam ini adalah cara alam, cara Tuhan menyampaikan pesan, bahwa hujan bukan lagi caraku bersembunyi dari dunia ketika aku sedang menangisinya, hujan yang pernah menyamarkan tangisku yang membelai kedua sisi pipiku.

Karena aku tidak lagi menangisi kehampaan dirinya.

Aku sudah menemukan kedamaianku 🙂

 

Will I see you again?

Two weeks. 

Two weeks of constant meetings. I wonder if God is making a joke with me. 

I had my darkest moments after losing him. And in those moments, i craved for his presence. I wished hard to bump into him. I tried to create moments to meet him accidentally, but it was never succeed. I stalked his social media profiles only to find how he is been doing, but i ended up getting hurt because i am not a part of his life anymore. Until i had to asked myself, why i do what i do. Why i seeked him. Why i cried for his absence. Why i missed him so much and our small talks. I didn’t even love him, did i? I just (thought) i cared for him. Until one of my bestfriend came to me and told me: “it’s love, my dear, it is love”.

Shocked, as well as relieved at the same time. Like a caged bird which now free to fly.

I stopped denying the feelings and accepted it. Somehow, it became easier. I mean, the moving on and healing process became easier. Because from where i’ve been, from what i’ve learned, love doesn’t need to own each other. Seeing him from afar fulfills my emptiness. Even if love needs some time to grow, but it is so possible that little love touches the heart in the beginning of the journey. Do you believe that? I believe it now.. 

Is it wrong to love you in such way that no one could understand it?

So i lived my days, my own journey. He is no longer a shadow, but he was a part of me. I chose to embrace his memories in my heart.

Then it started.. When i kept seeing him until the next two weeks. I was overwhelmed as well as confused because i did not understand why he was suddenly everywhere. Though i came in hours where he was not supposed to be there: gym, canteen, office lounge, lift, office lobby. But i realized that my cup was abundantly fulfilled.

On the contrary, the saddest thing is that we were strangers to each other. I could feel the awkwardness when our eyes met. Do i prefer to meet him? Or do i prefer to avoid him? I can’t give the right answer. I just knew i missed him, but i also don’t want to put any of us in a hard position.

So i asked God every night before i go to bed: “will i see him again tomorrow?”.

Will I see you again, my love?

Because every day is always been a mystery for me, why things happen the way they they are. Like why do i have to meet you every day, in every given moments. Was it because we are working in the same office? No. This had never been happened before. Why should it happens now? 

Or maybe it is because i am no longer dwell in your shadow, but accepting the loss not as a failure, but as a room to grow.

But i learned to be grateful, of you. Maybe it is love, and the true one 🙂

Will i see you again? Only God knows.. 

granted (hidden) wish

I met you again this afternoon.

Ada banyak hari ketika aku bertanya kepada Tuhan: “Mengapa aku sering dipertemukan dengannya tanpa sengaja ketika kami saling memiliki, namun kini tidak lagi aku dipertemukan dengannya walaupun aku bertaruh dengan waktu untuk menanti satu pertemuan denganmu di suatu tempat?”.

Aku tahu saat itu adalah ketika aku sedang merindukanmu. Aku begitu merindukanmu sehingga setiap hari aku berseru kepada Tuhan: “Aku ingin bertemu dengannya”.

Tetapi aku tidak tahu bagaimana aku harus menyikapi diriku ketika aku bertemu denganmu.

Dua hari yang lalu aku memandangmu dari kejauhan. Lima meter dari tempat kamu terduduk membelakangiku, aku menghentikan langkahku dan mengambil nafas panjang. Aku tidak dapat mengingkari jantungku yang hendak melompat dari sangkarnya karena kita bertemu, walaupun kita tidak benar-benar saling bertatapan. Aku melewati hadapanmu tanpa menoleh menyapa atau memberi salam kepadamu.

Karena aku tidak tahu bagaimana aku harus menyikapi diriku ketika aku bertemu denganmu, maka aku memilih untuk tidak bertatapan denganmu.

Walau sebenarnya aku sangat merindukanmu. Terutama pembicaraan kecil kita yang terkesan tidak berarti, namun memberikan kesan tersendiri bagiku.

Dan aku penasaran mengapa aku merindukanmu sedemikan rupa. Padahal aku telah melepasmu pergi.

Kemarin aku berpapasan denganmu, ketika aku benar-benar ingin seorang diri karena aku tidak dapat menguasai kerinduanku padamu, dan aku tidak tahu apa yang harus aku lakukan. Aku tidak dapat meraihmu lagi. Dirimu bersanding dengan diriku. Bertegur sapa melalui satu kata “hai”, tanpa mengucapkan kata-kata yang lain lagi.

Karena kita sudah menjadi dua orang asing kembali.

Aku hanya bisa menangis ketika berhadapan denganmu. Masih terasa menyakitkan, terutama ketika menyadari bahwa kita bukan lagi dua orang yang sama.

Mungkin pedihku ini karena sebenarnya aku (pernah) mencintaimu (atau masih).

Dan hari ini aku bertemu denganmu. Sekian kali kita bertukar pandang, tapi tidak satu pun senyum kita saling lemparkan terhadap masing-masing.

Dan ketika kamu tidak melihatku, diam-diam aku mencuri pandang terhadap sosokmu yang terduduk dengan dua sahabatmu di sisi kiri meja tempat aku tergabung dengan teman-temanku.

Tetapi kenapa tidak lagi sesakit kemarin? Kenapa tidak lagi aku menangis?

Mungkin aku sudah cukup menangis.

Bahkan ketika aku memandangmu dari kejauhan, tidak lagi aku merasakan kepedihan yang sama.

Aku hanya bisa tersenyum kecil dari kejauhan ketika aku menunduk setelah menatapmu: “Aku tahu dia baik-baik saja, dan itu cukup bagiku”.

Maybe this is what everybody calls “love”.

Mungkin Tuhan sebenarnya terlalu sayang denganku sehingga tidak rela Dia melihatku bersedih karena terlalu merindukan sosokmu. Maka diberikanNya kesempatan untuk aku berpapasan denganmu.

“This is what you wanted. This is what I can give”, said God, “Even though I hurt seeing you hurt”.

I knew He loves me too much :’)

 

side by side

I took some time to ask myself about why do I dwell in our memories lately. I had moved on. I knew I had. I had accepted the fact that we have to go separate ways from the plans we once had put on the top of that table.

You see, the thing about moving on is not about me forgetting you, but it is about me who took the courage to erase your presence from anything that could bring out the turmoil back to the surface.

I preferred to be occupied with the pile of paperwork at work, while I can’t keep my thoughts off of you when I was sitting in front of my laptop.

I wonder why. That’s why I took some time to ask myself.

And then there was that moment, an unexpected one .. where I got inside a lift for an early lunch appointment and it stopped in front of you that was standing firm with your best friend. You. Going for a lunch at an early hour. Always.

I was surprised, so were you. I was surprised, because I did not expect that I could bump into you this close. I thought that mother nature conspires to detach our awareness from each other.

But this was what so hurt so much: that even though we were standing side by side to each other, not a single word was spoken. We were strangers to the world.

As I stepped out the lift, I could not hold myself to run to the restroom before I meet my lunch appointment. To cry.

“Why was it so hurt, to see you eye to eye once more?”.

I knew I had missed you. I miss your presence during the nights, the midnight conversations, your smile during the daylight to enlighten my day, and all those small little talks. I miss you so much..

“Because you loved him so much, and perhaps you still are”, she said as she was the only one whom I told that I bumped into you.

I did not realize before, that I did, and perhaps I still do..

.. love you.

Because love does not need a reason to stay. It just happened.

When I bumped into her

One fine afternoon at the office..

I finished my first book project last night. Had printed it out, so I can read it from the hardcopy form. Easier for me.

In the afternoon, I went down to the lounge area to find a cozy sofa to read what I had been writing so far, those 90 pages I started about two months ago as a way of my healing process from the illogical brokenhearted.

Drowsiness attacked me when I had read it halfway. So I decided to continue later, and go back to my desk, back to my work.

There where I bumped into her in front of the lift, one of his bestfriend that he never got the chance to introduce us because she was at maternity leave since the beginning of the year, before the story between me and him started, and before it ended.

I knew her to be someone who seems arrogant and hard to get close with. But somehow I can see she opened herself to me, when we bumped into each other, she never forgets to greet me with her smile.

I never thought that she is that friendly. I guess my judgement about her was wrong. I can see her as a friend now.

That was one of many other significant change I experience since I lost him.

She smiled at me, seemed so sociable to me. So I smiled back at her. To avoid any awkwardness, I congratulated her for her newborn baby. While we waited for the lift to arrive, we talked about her baby experience.

We talked, we talked, we talked, until we got separated by the floor she works on.

As I went up to my own floor, I realized that actually I never knew her before I was with him, especially her baby delivery news. Will she be thinking the same thing as me? Like, “eh, how does she know that I just gave birth recently?”.

Of course I knew it from him.

Well.. I guess some relationship begin in a weird way when another has ended.

And I can see there is some positive side to that.

Right? 🙂