If someone come to me and ask me a question: “How would you describe your life today?”. I would say: “I am fulfilled”.
For the first time in my life, I finally can understand and experience “the fullness of life”, to be complete. For the first time in my life, if I cry in the darkness, it is not because I mourn for the troubles I face, but because my heart is touched because I am loved. This heart feels nothing other than love itself. Love from and towards people around me, love from and towards my family, and most of all, love from and towards God. And if I ever feel forgotten by someone I appreciate his or her presence around, I might feel a little bit of sadness. But I will always survive, because God’s love never leave me.
A few years back when I got a “theory” that in order to find the love of your life and get into marriage, you must be fulfilled first. Complete. I had no idea at that point of time what was the meaning of “being complete”. I heard that an empty cup will never be able to give anything. And marriage is all about giving.
But how can I be complete? I was so broken and I never see myself as someone who is worthy enough to be loved by the others. I was scared that nobody would accept the true me. I was so logical and never really understand God’s love. I knew the theory, but I was never understand. I felt empty. Insecure.
But God never gave up on me. He is Faithful. And I am so grateful that God never miss me to put me into the right community and letting me meeting right people.
And most of all I am so grateful that God has given me this kind of “awareness” that He is always there. Even though I fell thousands times, but I always rise for another thousands times.
Sunday afternoon, when I had nothing to do and nowhere to go, I felt that “fear” to be on my own with these lots of energies inside of me. Lots energies mean lots of unnecessary thoughts. But I did not want to go exercise. I wanted to do something else. So I texted one of my good friend and asked her what was her plans for the afternoon. Turned out that she had not had her lunch, so I went for a light lunch with her and her future husband.
For me, every opportunity I spend with someone, will always be a quality one. So we talked on deep things about life.
And those moments will always give me a blessing, I will always learn something valuable from there.
We talked about their wedding plans. And each of them shared their experiences on relationships they had gone through for the past four years. Not easy, but they survived. Especially when I found the fact that they are almost 40s.
“There was some point where I was desperate to find someone to love. But that point had led me to another point where I told my Mom that even if I don’t find anyone, God’s love never leave me”, said she, “I am secure”, as she squeezed her handbag to her chest.
I replied her smile because there was nothing I could say further to reply her statement.
I continued my evening with my boy-friends, had what so called “dirty” dinner while I kept thinking of how these couple weeks I had been quite silence and did not write anything on my own blog.
You know I always vocal on a blog, right?
What did I feel? What did I think? I must’ve thought of something until I did not have any ideas to be poured into a writing.
Of course I faced something.
I liked a guy in my church that was too far away from my reach – as I wrote in my previous posts. And everybody around me somehow kept saying: “Just let him go, because you are far more too precious for a guy like him“. So I asked God: “What was the meaning of all that? Where the world defying back what I wished for just like how my four years ago relationship went. This must be something“.
Well.. I kinda have that kind of sensitivity..
I could not understand until one day God spoke right to me when I was in silence with my guitar: “Don’t you be satisfied with the love I have for you? Why should you seek from the others?“ …
“Don’t you have that beautiful dream since you were a kid to have a kind of family you never had before?“.
I do, have that dream.
“Isn’t it beautiful if you wait for My time?”.
I once wrote a quote and posted it in my Instagram: “What could be more beautiful than finding something when you are not seeking?”. This post I wrote when I was struggling with my moving on process a few months back and tried to seek for a runaway.
I always believe that beautiful things are worth the wait.
I am a writer. I need to live the words I am writing.
I knew that was God because after that night, suddenly I felt this deep feeling of peace. It felt like I was overwhelmed by God’s love, over and over again. I felt like the cup I left it half empty filled by a fresh water and somehow it is now full.
I recalled my love journey for the past one year, how I saw myself as someone who cannot be left alone because the problem is I was afraid of facing myself. But I learned a valuable lessons:
- When I thought I would never love somebody like how much I loved my four years ago boyfriend – I was in love with somebody I could never thought I would, and the sacrifices I made were more than I made for my ex, and I learned that the feeling I felt for him was far more beautiful than I felt towards my ex. I learned that you will never feel the same thing towards someone, it will just gets more beautiful.
- When I was having my struggles to accept that someone I love left for good, I was (almost) having a relationship with someone I never thought would turn my life – writing and publishing a book that has been delayed for a decade. He had been my inspiration for the work I am passionate about: writing, and I found myself again from the book I finished writing because I realized I defeated my own pain. I learned how to understand, listening, and handle myself and made peace with my own fears and loneliness. I came out not only as a survivor, but also a winner of my own weaknesses.
- When I was in the process of moving on, I got the chance to see everything that I had been through were actually God’s love to save me from the life or relationships He does not want me to get into. He loves me too much to see me settling down with someone that does not come from Him. He loves me too much to see me not to be the best of my life. He loves me too much as He is being protective to me.
I learned to accept me and facing my own fears: that even pain and fears are just temporary. But God’s love is endless.
Last night when I and my other three friends in my inner circle were joking around in a Whatsapp Group about how one of us was visiting the place his girlfriend once lived, “I’m just learning her past”, I mocked him – since he always mocks me and I finally get the chance to mock him :p. “Are you jealous, Irene, because you have not gotten the chance to have that kind of opportunity?“, said another one of us.
I replied him back: “No. My time will come”. I can see myself said that sentence confidently.
They all smiled 🙂
Because I believe that God who loves me that much will lead me to be with someone that comes from Him because all He wants for me is just me being the best of me in life.
And I believe on His timing.
Fulfilled. Complete. Secure. That’s who I am right now 🙂